It's Thanksgiving Eve... and many times I've thought of composing this post, and each time I even stare at the blank screen I start to cry.

For despite dealing with lack of sleep, low self-esteem, a colicky, refluxy baby, and a house that always seems in mess and chaos, I have never been more thankful.

At the beginning of this year, I set out some major goals:  run a 10k, eat cleaner, lose 10 more pounds, but its funny how goals change.  Here I am, with only a month left in the year, not having run a 10k, in fact, I haven't run since February, admitting that I have eaten way more than my share of pies and licorice, and 40 pounds more than I was last Thanksgiving.  And while I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror these days and love what I see, I still have never been more thankful.

I have a turkey breast in my fridge to cook for tomorrow - who knows if it will ever make it to the oven, and my mashed potatoes are prepackaged from Costco, I have no gravy, and I shudder to think that my cranberries may actually have to come out of a can.  I have high hopes to make a pumpkin bread pudding recipe, but in my heart I know that we'll end up with a store bought pie.  And yet... I've never been more thankful!

At work this past week, I found spit up crusted to the shoulder of my new Ann Taylor shirt, and there was no makeup on my face.  About 2 pm I felt as though I might actually collapse in a heap on top of my desk, and yet I have never been more thankful.

I clean poop out of the underwear of a 4 year old that can't seem to learn that holding it in all day is not working for him... and yet I've never been more thankful.

Currently I have no clean sheets, and in fact the last 2 nights I have slept on top of a pillowcase thrown over baby puke on my sheets. I also currently have no clean pajamas due to being projectile vomited on many times. My bedroom smells like sour milk and my couches are going to have to be replaced, but yet the reason is because there is a real, live baby girl projectile vomiting all over these items, and I have never been more thankful!

As you gather your families around the Thanksgiving table tomorrow, remember that you never know what is going to happen in life.  Life can change so suddenly.  So make sure to enjoy every single minute you have with the ones you love, and thank God for them regardless of the difficulties or circumstances. 

Remember to give thanks for the obvious things... and maybe the not so obvious ones too!

This morning I was doing some googling and found this:"About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages."
(source)

And...I sit here amazed to be at 25-1/2 weeks, to feel my baby kicking.  I hate odds!  They have not been my friend, but I am beyond grateful at this moment.  Getting to the point where I can write those words has not been easy - a journey of anger, tears, questioning, pleading - and maybe I won't even feel this way tomorrow, but I do right now.

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
-- Psalm 139:13-14

My sister shared this with me last week, and it is so powerful I just wanted to share it with you.  God knows our baby's name.  He knows her future, and I just can't help but think at this moment that a baby with only a 1% chance of making it - and yet is still here with us - must have a very special purpose in life, whatever the course of that takes.

Four years ago in November 2006, I sat on Thanksgiving sad and fearful for the future.  I had a horrible year.  I had become pregnant earlier in the year only to suffer a miscarriage, and then be diagnosed with PCOS and resulting infertility.  I was told that because I was so fat, I would have difficulty conceiving a child.  I was told that if I did conceive I would have a 50 percent chance of a miscarriage.  I was disheartened and broken!  I felt betrayed by my body and forgotten by God.  I weighed about 125 pounds more than I do today.  I didn't see how I could be given a different future. 

On New Years Day 2007 - only a little more than 1 month later, I woke up on New Years morning to a positive pregnancy test.  I was both overjoyed and unbelievably scared.  I spent the next 7-1/2 months throwing up, stressing out, checking blood sugars, and my pregnancy culminated in an emergency C-section with 3 pound 4 oz little boy who spent 27 days in the NICU.  Regardless of the circumstances, I was blessed.  The first year of my son's life passed quickly but I still found myself 115 pounds heavier than today.  My future certainly had been changed with the long-awaited addition of a child, but I still felt like I didn't have much of a future at my current weight.  I certainly couldn't me the mother I wanted to be at that weight.  And then I was told by my doctor that my weight was a contributing factor in my pregnancy issues, and would likely result in infertility for me if I wanted to have any more children.  I needed to change something.  I needed to change my life.  This was probably one of the last pictures that was taken of me as I started this journey...

Me Thanksgiving 2008

Fast forward four years since that Thanksgiving, which now seems, so long ago.  I am lighter in weight there is no doubt, and my future has certainly been changed beyond what I could ever have believed, but once again I feel heavy in spirit.  My heart longs for another child.  In a way, I feel like I am back in that same spot that I was 4 years ago. I feel the same despair that my future will not be changed, and this time I can't blame it on being fat.  For some reason, being able to blame it on fat seemed easier.  I at least had a scapegoat.  I held up my end of the bargain.  I took control of what I could, I lost the weight that was creating the issues... the problem is... the issues didn't go away.  So what do you do with that?  Tonight I want to cry and swear and eat too much and drink too much.  I want to cover my head up and lay in bed and not come out.  The thought of going through a holiday season with this burden is overwhelming to me tonight - and it came suddenly out of nowhere very quickly today.  It feels so eerily familiar.  It takes me back to a very dark time in my life, and I hate it. 

I'm so glad that this stressful week has almost come to an end. The promise of the weekend and of a new week are about the only thing that has me going right now. Since it seems like so much has gone wrong this week, I’d like to take a minute to focus on what has gone right – what I am grateful for.

I'm grateful for...

• Halloween! I love the innocence and excitement of children. Having my son look at me and say, “This is the bestest Halloween day EVER!” could not have made me smile more. And what a cute bumblebee he was.
• for awesome friends to watch football with every week, and to trick or treat with on Sunday.
• a house to come home to every day, a bed to sleep in and that I can afford to heat my house during these chilly mornings.
• losing another pound at Weight Watchers yesterday – bringing my total to 109.8 pounds lost!
• my job, it challenges me daily.
• a blood pressure of 98/62, a fasting glucose level of 89, a normal thyroid function test, and a normal vitamin D level. Healthy as a horse… I guess.
• some gorgeous, sunny late fall, days, and for my husband spending one of those days to clean out the gutters and prep the yard for winter.
• good cheese and cheap wine from Trader Joes.
• silly 3 year old laughs that fill my house with joy!
• a hot, steaming mug of cocoa.
• Godiva chocolate caramels!
• the body that I've been given, and a second chance to care for it like it deserves.

What are you grateful for on this Friday?