Since I started this blog, I have never reposted an entry before, but as I was doing some thinking tonight, I reread this post, and it truly hit a spot that is on my heart and mind right now.  This was posted back when I was trying to get pregnant... of course, as you know now, things have not turned out as we ever planned, even though I did get pregnant, and the mistrust of my body, and the immense sadness I feel because of that is back... so why rewrite, what I said so well back just a few months ago.

I've been thinking a lot about failure and trust this week. Specifically the past failure of my body and now my resulting inability to trust it! William D Brown said, "Failure is an event, never a person." The past failure of my body does not make ME a failure. It was simply a series of EVENTS that happened in the past.


So why do I mistrust my body? Well... pretty much ever since I can remember I have been battling Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - widely known as PCOS. It has caused me to stop ovulating making it impossible for me to conceive a child without "help." It also makes me prone to miscarriages. People with PCOS have a 50% rate of miscarriage. In addition to the PCOS, once I got pregnant with my son "L", my body failed to appropriately nourish him, causing him to be born with Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) at 35 weeks, and giving me HELLP syndrome. On top of all of that my body doesn't process sugars correctly giving me both gestational diabetes during pregnancy, and insulin resistance outside of pregnancy.

Yeah... So as you can see I have some valid reasons for the complete mistrust of my body. I guess since I posted this, it isn't necessarily a secret that my husband and I have decided to try and have another child. This is not a decision we came upon lightly - due to all the past difficulties, along with the physical and emotional pain of my past pregnancies. Tonight I was reminded of how this new journey is going to be for me. You'd think that 4 years would have erased it all. But it clearly hasn't. All of the struggles of the past came rushing back to me as I sat in the bathroom tonight with a Dixie cup of pee and a small stick in my hand. NO it is not what you think. I was NOT taking a pregnancy test. I was taking an OPK - otherwise known as an ovulation predictor kit for those of you lucky enough to never need one (wish I knew how that felt even for one moment). The test was negative. It should at least be moving towards positive any day now... and it isn't. So far everything points to NO.

NO, you will not be normal.

NO, you will not ovulate.

NO, weight loss did NOT help you in this area.

NO more kids for you! (OK, I had a brief flash of Seinfeld's Soup Nazi there for a moment... but I digress).

I so desperately want to be normal for once. I so desperately want my body to work as it was intended to. I hate it. I mistrust it. It fails me, and in turn I feel like a COMPLETE failure!

I know, I know, I just need to relax you say, give my body some time to adjust to being off of synthetic hormones, I need to stress less, and have fun, I need to appreciate what I have - this wonderful, beautiful, little boy (and I so so so do):

But I just can't trust that my body will ever work. That he'll ever have a sibling, that anything will ever change for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. It's a sadness that slowly trickles through you body and kind of feels like it is tearing every muscles as it ripples through you. No, its not sadness... its more like despair.

I'm trying to be positive - unlike my pee stick - but sometimes I feel I have nothing to hold on to. With all the failures of the past, how likely is a success. I'm trying desperately to believe that I have done all that I can do, I must trust my body to work as intended, and give the rest up to a higher power.
But for now... me and my pee cup sit alone, and we wait and wait and wait some more, and both of us try so desperately to be positive.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now, and do it." -- William Durant, founder of General Motors

I'm sitting here feeling a little excited and a little sad this afternoon.  In mere hours I will be meeting up with some fellow blogger and healthy living people who have deemed themselves the "Prior Fat Pack" (#priorfatpack on twitter).  We'll be potlucking tonight - which I can still do in my condition - yes, yes, very good at eating food these days.  No one laugh at me tonight, OK, I'm eating for two (yes, yes, lame excuse used).  That's the excited part!

But this group of awesome people is not just getting together to eat - because seriously then, what type of healthy bloggers would we they be.  They are also running in the Challenge Hearts & Minds 5k tomorrow.  This is the little sad part.  I'm not running with them!  I've been really good at doing my walking 3 times a week, but I haven't run since early February, and with the complications in my pregnancy, it is going to be a while until I run again, let alone run a race. 

Last year at this time I was a mere 2 weeks away from my own, first 5k.  I was scared, I was nervous, but I was empowered.  I was running, and I was rocking it.  Now, at the time I'd like to run most... well, maybe not just run, but actually RUN AWAY. I can't.  Boy... how life can change so quickly. 

So... to all of the Prior Fat Pack members, you guys rock!  You are going to do awesome tomorrow, and I can't wait to hear/read all about it.  I will not be running with you, but I have you all in my thoughts, and I'm hoping and praying for some amazing sunshine to come out, and shine down on all of you!

Today I'm 21 weeks pregnant.
What has happened this week? 

I've had pretty much little if any nausea - yay for that... finally!

On Sunday I did a 24 hour urine capture... wow, that was NOT fun.  Basically you put all of your pee in a giant jug and haul it into the hospital 24 hours later for review.  At the same time, my doctor had ordered some basic preeclampsia lab work to be done.  This all serves as a baseline to compare to should I start to show signs of preeclampsia.  Before I got pregnant, I was told that due to my history I had a 60% chance of a repeat of some sort of preeclampsia.  I've only been told that now with the baby's complications my chances are "higher"... no clue exactly how much higher, and honestly statistics mean nothing to me now that I've hit a .2% chance of something happening... twice!  If your wondering, I don't lottery tickets, as it is never the good things that hit me this way.

I still think I look "wide" rather than pregnant.  I don't have a stick out type of belly, but its definitely rounding out.  I can feel the top of my uterus right at my belly button now.  Lots of stretching pain the last week too, especially in the last couple of days.

I think this baby's legs are getting stronger!  Sunday and Monday I didn't feel a ton of movement.  I was scared, and feeling really down.  I guess the baby was resting and growing, because yesterday and today I starting feeling some major kung fu going down in there.  It makes me feel like she's strong when I feel those kicks.  It gives me small moments of hope.

I wanted to leave you with this picture of our daughter... well, really just her finger and foot.  We received these 2 weeks ago, and only today have I been able to bring myself to   look at them.

Baby Foot!



Tiny little fingers

I have to admit, I have been staring at these for awhile, and have been thinking how perfect her foot and fingers look - how amazing and thoughtfully designed she was... and yet at the same time, I know she has a large hygroma, and is not thriving as she should be.  I try and try to understand it all, and find that I can't.  I don't know that I'll ever be able to.  Trying is so exhausting sometimes.

How can things be both so right and yet, so wrong?

I feel the need to clear something up. It is something that is just laying heavy on my own heart. I am not being defensive; this is just something I feel needs to be put out there.

This baby is 100% wanted and loved, regardless of any disabilities, differences, or difficulties that may come along with that. I desperately want to be given the opportunity to be a mom to this baby, to love her, to raise her, to encourage her, despite any difficulties or challenges that may come along with that. I am 100% appreciative of all the wonderful, personal stories of your own children or people you know that may have had a similar diagnosis/situation. Please don’t stop sending them, it is encouraging to me, and I reread many of the messages I have received over the past week daily. 

But… that is NOT my struggle.

I struggle daily with the fact that the chances of this baby being given an opportunity to even live are slim at best. Do you know what its like to be carrying a baby around in your body 24 hours a day as a part of yourself that has been given a death sentence? It’s horrible.  It's exhausting.  It's dark and depressing! It NEVER leaves your mind. NEVER. Brutally honest - It is by far the worst place I've ever been in my 34 years.  I am constantly monitoring movements, and when I don’t feel the baby for an hour, I start freaking out. It’s really a horrifying place to be. Constant fear, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  It makes for one exhausted, drained, and crabby person.  Some days I wonder how I can continue like this.  It makes every day a constant struggle - A struggle for hope, a struggle for just finding a few moments of peace. 

Yet, somehow in a haze, I have made it through the last 12 days.  Some days I really don't know how, but I am happy I have made it 12 days, and I know I have 9 more days left until the next ultrasound, where my expectations will again be reset.  I am both terrified and longing for that day.

I love this little girl… no matter what.

I wish my love and pain could fix her, because I have so much of both.  I wish I could fast forward to a further point in my pregnancy where it would be safe for her to be delivered, so doctors could help her better.  Right now I can't fix anything, but I do know that I am not one bit fearful of a future of raising her, I am fearful of a future without her at all.

That is my reality… and so I sit and wait for the unknown.  Knowing there are so many thoughts and prayers.  Feeling all of your love, and at the same time feeling VERY VERY alone.

Here's what we have on our menu this week... what about you?

Pioneer Woman’s Meatloaf – Lightened, Baked Potatoes and Corn
Shredded BBQ Beef on Buns, Coleslaw and Sweet Potato Fries
Skinny Fettuccine Alfredo – recipe below!
Curry Chicken
Tacos and Spanish Rice (leftover meal from last week)

Skinny Fettuccine Alfredo - Makes about 3 cups
1/3 cup = 2 Points Plus values, Make sure to count the extra points for whatever pasta you add it to

3 Tbsp butter
3 Tbsp flour
2 chicken bouillon cubes
1-1/2 cups water
1-1/2 cups fat free half n half
½ cup grated Parmesan Cheese

Melt butter in a medium sized saucepan over medium heat, add flour and stir until until smooth, add water, half n half, and bouillon cubes. Bring to an “almost simmer” over medium heat, stirring A LOT. Don’t let this boil. The mixture will thicken. Remove from heat, and stir in Parmesan Cheese.  Serve over pasta... I've also used this as a sauce for an Alfredo pizza. 

This is delicious and I cannot tell the difference between heavy, calorie-laden fettuccine Alfredo and this.