This morning literally at the crack of dawn, I weighed myself and logged on to Weight Watchers online to join.  Finally a plan put into action.  I felt strongly about "starting" on a Thursday since that is my meeting day, and will be my weigh in day once I go back to meetings.

This morning the scale said 215 pounds... ugh!  I need to lose 40 pounds to get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight of 175 pounds.  I am not happy with myself, but it is done, and I am ready to move on with this next part of my life, and finally fit in my pants again!

I get a lot of points as I'm still breastfeeding part time, so really this should be easy, but I'll be honest - tonight especially I have found myself kind of hungry, but actually scared to eat even though I have points left.  Please don't give me a lecture about this... it is just how I feel.  I know finding foods I feel comfortable with will get easier as I get back into the swing of things.  Right now, I'm so unsure of the points value of so many foods that its hard.  I lost almost all of my weight on the original Points Plan, so getting used to Points Plus values is new to me.  I also have to say that I don't trust Points Plus yet, because I haven't had proved weight loss on it, only maintenance.  Once I see a few losses, I know I'll learn to trust it more, and things will be easier.

So... Day 1 is in the books.  I am proud of myself.

I have plans.
Plans to join Weight Watchers online for the last 3 weeks... no I'm not a member yet.
Plans to start running again.
Plans to quit eating candy... and pie.
Plans to run a 5k again... someday.
Plans to actually sleep longer than 2 hours at a time.

But you know what the issue with plans is?

They are just that... plans.  They don't have any action behind them.  They are just thoughts.
Thoughts are easy to think, but its the doing that's harder.

Reaching your goals requires you to put your plans into action, and unfortunately action appears to be what I'm lacking these days. 

So what I am waiting for?  I know I said before that I am scared.  No, make that terrified.  I am terrified that I'll try to lose weight again and fail.  Versus the feeling of failure I think staying 35 pounds above my goal weight seems like a better option.  I mean its not like I'm 100+ pounds overweight again.  It's OK to be here, right? 

Nope... it's really not OK.  It's not OK, because being here will lead to be being there - and by there I mean at 281 pounds again - as quickly as I can blink. 

This is what real weight loss looks like.  Even though I once made it to goal, I still don't have all the answers.  I struggle every single day.  I think about ever morsel I put in my mouth.  I weigh myself too much, I feel guilty for eating a piece of candy... and I judge myself and put myself down for all of these things.  I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, I don't like the number on the scale, but yet I'm not doing anything about it.

My body feels like a war zone.  It nourished a baby for 9 month, and now both physically and emotionally I have been through the accumulated stress of about 20 years in those 9 months.  I still feel uncertainty about things that are ahead of us... like an appointment with the pediatric surgeon tomorrow.  I still have a life time of worrying to do about my daughter.

And yet... putting crap in my mouth, and refusing to take care of myself like I deserve is not going to solve those problems.  And that is what I battle this time around.

So tomorrow I end it all... tomorrow I start taking care of myself again, and putting my plans into action.  I can do this again.  I am worth it.  I am not a failure.  I am strong, and I will succeed.  I will do it for myself, and I will do it for these people
I'm back baby!

P.S. CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newer readers) in a few weeks I'm coming back to "see" you.  I hope you have a giant box of tissues ready because remember what I said about the stress of 20 years in the last 9 months?  I have a feeling that's going to come out as watery drops through the eyes.  Its going to be a fun holiday season, huh?

Of  course with two cuties, I would be in trouble if I didn't post a picture of them from  Halloween.

Despite reassurance from the dragon, the pea is pissed!

Now... its the day after, and I'm stuck alone in the house with a baby and a crapload of Halloween candy.  Think my son will notice if I throw it in the trash before I eat it all?

Hope you all had a great Halloween.  I'd love to hear what you or your kids dressed up as. 

And remember, the Halloween candy is made as far back as Valentine's day, so its old and gross when you get it.  If you really need a sweet fix get yourself a couple of good pieces of dark chocolate and sit down and savor them!

My absence from the blog only means that I have been loving on this girl.

She takes up a huge amount of my days, and I love it!

Friday, I had my 6 week post-partum checkup.  I was declared fully healed... well... physically at least.  And, so it is with a huge sigh that I declare this pregnancy officially OVER!  Wow... what a journey, what a trip, what a year.  Hard to believe sometimes that I made it.

And with that I decided I needed a big change.  I needed to shed something old, and move on with something new, and so today for the first time in my life (except for a "strawberry blonde" disaster once in 10th grade that turned into Ronald McDonald hair) I am no longer blonde.  Well... I have some blonde highlights.  It's strange, but like I said I needed a change... I needed to do something to officially leave this experience behind me.  And this beat having a mid-life crisis.
And so... here's the new me along with a groggy Lily.

Compared to the old me...

Seriously bad look on my face, and no clue what I'm doing with my hand

I'm getting used to it... but I like it.  I think I might do something a little different with the highlights next time, but other than that it is a good change!

In my younger more naive days, I always envisioned my chunky self with a chunky baby with rolls and extra chins.  You have to kind of admit...a chunky baby tends to be cuter than a thin baby... as much as I don't want to admit that.  Then I thought of dressing that chunky baby up in something cute for Halloween... possible a round little pumpkin.  Cute, right?

And then... I had my first baby, and he was 3 lbs 4 oz.  Nearly 2 month later, as Halloween rolled around he was anything but chunky.  He was maybe 5 or 6 pounds.  Maybe we should have gotten him a skeleton costume.

L - Halloween 2007

Fast forward 4 years, and I'm pregnant again, and everyone is telling me that I'll probably have a 10 pounder to make up for the tiny one before.  Of course, you know what really happened.  I had a small baby, again... and while she was much bigger than "L" she is still a peanut.

I long for her to be a round, chunky pumpkin for Halloween, but she will probably look more like her brother did above for Halloween. 

And a part of me grieves that... as stupid as it may be.  I have small babies, they struggle to grow inside, and once out they struggle to eat and grow on the outside.  They will never be little rolls of flesh, never be round, chunky pumpkins.  One of the characteristics of Turner syndrome is short stature.  The average height of a girl with Turner syndrome is 4 feet 7 inches.  Lily is a peanut and will continue to be a peanut.  It is in her genetic make up.  There is nothing I can do to change that.

We have been having regular weight check ups.  I call them reverse Weight Watchers, because it is like weighing in, except you are hoping for a gain.  Strange world for this lifetime member, that's for sure.  As of yesterday she is up to 6 pounds 8 ounces!  I rejoice for every ounce.  Unfortunately, yesterday she was diagnosed with reflux, and is now on Prilosec.  I really hope this makes eating for her more enjoyable (like it is for me HA HA!), since she has been screaming bloody murder, and painfully spitting up through her nose for at least the past couple weeks.

Nope... Lily will not be my chunky pumpkin for Halloween this year, and deep down inside for some stupid reason that makes me really sad.  But I knock myself upside the head for feeling that way, and thank my lucky stars for everything Lily will have.  Lily won't have have height but she will have:
Average intelligence.
The ability to walk.
The ability to talk.
She'll hear music.
She'll be able to see a sunset.
A perfect heart.
Working kidneys
A big brother that loves her
A mommy and daddy that would do anything for her
An awesome support system to get her through whatever life has in store for her.
And she lives in a day and age where technology would allow her to someday have her own child... if she wanted to!

Yes, my daughter will never be big, but compared to what could have been... who cares!