"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." -- Genesis 1:31
As I read a devotional this morning, this was the verse that came up.  And while, the devotional was talking about something completely different than the thought that went through my head after I read those words, I felt completely hit between the eyes with this verse.

You see, I have been dealing with some major feelings of failure, self-esteem, inadequacy, ugliness... call it whatever you want it could just be summed up with:  I don't like myself very much right now. 

See, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm back to where I was the day I delivered Lily.  Yes, stupid choice to step on it after the Thanksgiving weekend, but I needed the reality check to kick my butt into gear.  I pretty much gave up this weekend, after having worked my tail off for 3 weeks to lose a measly .8 of a pound total, I just didn't have the motivation or the willpower to continue after weighing myself on Thursday morning.  And so, I ate.  I don't like what I see when I look at myself.   I don't like the size on my pants, or the rolls that come over my jeans.  I want to scream and cry when I see that number on the scale.

Then, feeding Lily is just so difficult.  She is now 100% on soy formula, I'm not convinced it is helping but we were told we had to give it 2 full weeks, and we are just a little over a week in.  Some days are better than others, but overall the girl doesn't like to eat!  My husband seems more successful feeding her most of the time than I do, and that doesn't make me feel like a very adequate mom most days.  I thought feeding time was supposed to be a bonding experience, but at our house it is 6-7 times a day of pure stress for me!  I hate that my baby's early months are wasting away with me feeling like this.  We are currently working with both a chiropractor and a speech therapist for her feeding issues.  And for those wondering... I do plan on writing a post about feeding a baby with reflux, I just haven't made it there yet.  As Lily's mother, I just feel there should be something I can do to help her, and I can't, so I feel like a failure of a mother.

Lately, in my house, it doesn't matter what I do, it never seems like I do the right thing.  I say the wrong thing and get in a fight with my husband, or I don't get the cap tight enough on the bottle I'm mixing formula in, and I give myself a tasty soy formula shower.  For the record, it tastes sweet and burns your eyes.  I drop half a casserole in the bottom of the oven, and set off the smoke detectors, or I drop half the insides of a turkey breast on a rug in my kitchen.  Sometimes I wonder when I will get a break. 

I spent more time in tears over the last four days than I have since we found out about Lily at our 19 week appointment.  And while I know that in the scheme of things, these things are the "small stuff", and they will pass, right now they have me feeling like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes me, especially myself!

The stress of seeing a number on the scale that scares me half to death, and Lily's often refusal to eat, leaves me as a ball of stress.  Every day I doubt my abilities, doubt myself on being able to lose weight ever again, doubt myself as a mom.  And it adds to the stress.  And when I'm stressed... I eat, and a vicious cycle ensues.  When I eat, I like myself even less, and so I eat some more.

I'm not telling you this so I can get sympathy.  I'm just sharing where I'm at right now.  Right now... I have no big ideas on what to do.  But I can tell you that based on what I read this morning:  "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good."  I, Sarah, was made by God, so... even though I'm not feeling it, I must be good. 

It's Thanksgiving Eve... and many times I've thought of composing this post, and each time I even stare at the blank screen I start to cry.

For despite dealing with lack of sleep, low self-esteem, a colicky, refluxy baby, and a house that always seems in mess and chaos, I have never been more thankful.

At the beginning of this year, I set out some major goals:  run a 10k, eat cleaner, lose 10 more pounds, but its funny how goals change.  Here I am, with only a month left in the year, not having run a 10k, in fact, I haven't run since February, admitting that I have eaten way more than my share of pies and licorice, and 40 pounds more than I was last Thanksgiving.  And while I find it hard to look at myself in the mirror these days and love what I see, I still have never been more thankful.

I have a turkey breast in my fridge to cook for tomorrow - who knows if it will ever make it to the oven, and my mashed potatoes are prepackaged from Costco, I have no gravy, and I shudder to think that my cranberries may actually have to come out of a can.  I have high hopes to make a pumpkin bread pudding recipe, but in my heart I know that we'll end up with a store bought pie.  And yet... I've never been more thankful!

At work this past week, I found spit up crusted to the shoulder of my new Ann Taylor shirt, and there was no makeup on my face.  About 2 pm I felt as though I might actually collapse in a heap on top of my desk, and yet I have never been more thankful.

I clean poop out of the underwear of a 4 year old that can't seem to learn that holding it in all day is not working for him... and yet I've never been more thankful.

Currently I have no clean sheets, and in fact the last 2 nights I have slept on top of a pillowcase thrown over baby puke on my sheets. I also currently have no clean pajamas due to being projectile vomited on many times. My bedroom smells like sour milk and my couches are going to have to be replaced, but yet the reason is because there is a real, live baby girl projectile vomiting all over these items, and I have never been more thankful!

As you gather your families around the Thanksgiving table tomorrow, remember that you never know what is going to happen in life.  Life can change so suddenly.  So make sure to enjoy every single minute you have with the ones you love, and thank God for them regardless of the difficulties or circumstances. 

Remember to give thanks for the obvious things... and maybe the not so obvious ones too!

A repost from last Thanksgiving... here are my favorite Thanksgiving recipes - PointsPlus values included!  ENJOY!
Cranberry Orange Relish

There is nothing I love more than a tasty cranberry sauce. It is SO easy to make… and tastes 1000 times better than the canned stuff. This is awesome as a condiment for sandwiches, and even a dessert topping. This is the recipe I’ve used for the past several years. I’ve lightened it by subbing some Splenda for the sugar and using Light Orange Juice.

Makes approximately 4 cups of sauce.
1 serving = ¼ cup = 1 Weight Watchers PointsPlus Value

½ cup Splenda
½ cup Honey
2 cups Orange Juice – I use Trop50 Light Orange Juice
2 Tbsp peeled and grated fresh ginger root
2 Tbsp fresh orange zest
1 cinnamon stick
3 cups fresh cranberries – basically 1 bag
1 tsp sea salt

In a medium saucepan over low heat, combine the Splenda, honey and orange juice. Simmer until everything is completely dissolved. Add the ginger, orange zest and cinnamon stick. Stir. Next, add the cranberries and simmer stirring occasionally for 45-60 minutes. The mixture should become thick. Remove from heat and stir in the salt.

This can be made several days in advance and kept in the refrigerator.


Sarah’s Stuffing

This is an adaptation of a recipe I found about 5 years ago on www.allrecipes.com. I’ve changed some of the ingredients to my tastes, and lightened it a bit, eliminating unneeded butter, and using reduced-fat sausage.

12 servings
1 serving = ½ cup = 4 Weight Watchers PointsPlus Values

12 oz Jimmy Dean reduced-fat sausage
2 cups chopped onion
2 apples – peeled, cored, and chopped
2 cups chopped celery
1 Tbsp poultry seasoning
1 tsp dried rosemary
1 cup dried cranberries
14 oz Pre package stuffing mix – like Pepperidge Farm
2 cups fat-free chicken broth
1 Tbsp fresh sage leaves
Salt and pepper to taste

In a large skillet over medium heat cook the sausage until brown. Transfer the sausage to a large bowl. Now, use the same skillet over medium heat and add the onions, apples, celery, and poultry seasoning. Cook, stirring frequently for about 10 minutes. Stir in rosemary, cranberries, and sage.

Mix the onion mixture with the sausage mixture and Stuffing Mix in the large bowl. Add the chicken broth and salt and pepper to taste.

I’ll be honest; I usually don’t stuff the turkey… I actually make this the day before, and then put it in my crock pot on low to reheat on Thanksgiving Day. Easy Peasy… and delicious!


Twice Baked Sweet Potatoes – aka Drunk Potatoes
Makes 8 servings
1 serving = ½ of a full potato = 6 Weight Watchers PointsPlus Values

My husband is Canadian, and last year he went to his sister’s house in Vancouver for Canadian Thanksgiving… which is in October – usually the same day as Columbus Day in the US. They made sweet potatoes that were glazed with a mixture of Kahlua, butter, and sugar. I took the same ingredients… added in a streusel topping and decided to make twice baked potatoes with it instead… here’s the yummy result:

4 medium-sized sweet potatoes/yams
3 Tbsp Light Butter
3 Tbsp firmly packed brown sugar
¼ cup Kahlua or other coffee flavored Liqueur

For the topping:
3 Tbsp packed brown sugar
2 Tbsp all purpose flour
2 Tbsp Light Butter, softened
¼ cup chopped pecans

Cut the potatoes lengthwise in half; place the cut-sides down on a non-stick baking sheet. Bake 30 to 35 min. on 425 degrees or until tender.

Remove from oven and cool a few minutes until you can handle them, and then scoop out the centers of potatoes into a bowl, leaving behind the shell.

Add 3 Tbsp of the light butter, 3 Tbsp of the brown sugar, and the Kahlua to the sweet potatoes. Mash until everything is well combined, and mixture is fairly smooth.

Fill the shells with potato mixture;

In a separate bowl, combine the topping ingredients: 3 Tbsp brown sugar, the flour, 2 Tbsp Light Butter, and the chopped pecans. Mix together until crumbly. Top each potato with about a Tbsp of the mixture.

Return the potatoes to the oven and bake for 10-15 minutes or until the filling is heated through and the crumb topping is just starting to brown.


Green Beans with Yellow Pepper Butter
This is a classic recipe that makes an excellent substitution to the traditional Green Bean Casserole that is found on many Thanksgiving dinner tables. This recipe was taken from the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook, and adapted by me to lighten it up. I think it tastes just as great as the original.

Serves 8
Servings Size = ½ cup = 3 PointsPlus Values

1 tablespoon butter
1 medium yellow sweet pepper, coarsely shredded
4 tablespoons margarine or butter, softened
1/4 cup pine nuts
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
4 cups green beans, trimmed
1 large yellow sweet pepper, cut into thin strips

In a small saucepan melt the 1 tablespoon butter. Add the shredded sweet pepper. Cook over medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until crisp-tender. Set aside.

In a blender or food processor bowl combine the 4 Tablespoons softened butter and the pine nuts. Cover; blend or process until almost smooth. Add cooked sweet pepper, lemon juice, salt, and black pepper. Cover; blend or process until almost smooth. Set aside.

In a covered saucepan cook beans in a small amount of boiling water for 12 minutes. Add the sweet pepper strips the last 3 minutes of cooking. Drain the beans and sweet pepper strips.

To serve, transfer beans and sweet pepper strips to a serving bowl. Add the blended margarine mixture; toss to coat.

So... no one in this house seems to be able to get their weight to change much.
Lily is gaining, but SLOWLY!  At her 2 month checkup on Wednesday she was 7 lbs 11 oz.  She is currently on Prilosec for reflux, and while it has helped some, overall the reflux seems to be worse lately.  She often refuses to eat and when she does eat she will squirm and complain like we are torturing her.  And now the projectile vomiting has started.  I would be lying, if I didn't admit that I am worn out and stressed beyond belief from all of this.  I guess I assumed having the pregnancy from hell would give us an easier time on the other side, but as you can see this certainly hasn't been the case.  Yesterday Lily had an upper GI study, which didn't show anything that would require surgery.

Today we are headed to see a speech therapist for some of the aversion to eating issues.  I really hope we can find something that helps her soon!  I feel like the time to enjoy her during these early months is slipping away, and find myself sad.

As for me... well... my weight this week is really barely better than last week.  I am down .2.  Which makes an overall loss over 2 weeks .1 of a pound (yes, that is a point in front of the 1).  Mathematically it doesn't even make sense, because I'm definitely taking in enough reduced calories to equal at least a 1-2 pound loss, and yet I lose .2.  Very frustrated and down about it, and with all the stress regarding Lily's reflux and eating issues, I just don't have the energy to even deal with it all right now.

As stressed, exhausted, and frustrated as I am right now.  I am so incredibly thankful every morning to kiss my sweet little girl's head, that for those moments it all just melts away!