Fat Little Legs: Post Baby Weight Loss

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I last wrote. I guess I wanted to keep Lily's birthday video up as long as possible! I hope you enjoyed it. Her birthday party was amazing... fit for a princess with lots of friends and family to help her celebrate. There will be pictures coming. I promise!

Since then things have been crazy around here. There were the 1 and 5 year old appointments to be had for both kiddos. And we've all been sick. Tuesday was actually the first day in a week and a half that everyone was back at daycare/school/work!

On top of it all I've been working, working, and working some more. And so... the blog and sadly Weight Watchers in general has been a ~~little~~ a lot neglected. I'm lucky that I'm holding steady, but I've been around the same 2 pounds - still 20 pounds to go back to goal - now for pretty much the entire summer. I need to break on through, and at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses, I just can't seem to make it happen right now with all the extra "stuff" going on. Weight Watchers before Lily, and Weight Watchers after Lily is sure a different experience.

Initially I was so "not OK" with that. I was angry with my results. But I've come to accept that this is a different journey than it was before, and this time it is going to take me longer, and so I've made peace with that fact, even if I still feel frustrated at times.

Next week, I am off to North Carolina again for appointments with Lily - similar to what we did back in April. Lily and I will be taking a little vacation after the appointments to the beach. We are so ready for a break, and some time in the sand and sun.

My vacation plan is to simple and something that CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader if you need a reminder) taught me. If you are simply replacing a "normal" meal that you'd eat, eat like you would at home. If it's a celebration, than take the time to eat what you enjoy. I think that's amazing advice for a balanced life!

My Cheering Section

Life is Hard August 07, 2012

Weight loss after pregnancy is really nothing like weight loss before pregnancy - at least it hasn't been for me. Maybe it should have been obvious to me, but it wasn't. I was not prepared for this. I had no clue that it would be this hard. It seems like other women lose at least 20 lbs as they exit the hospital... I lost 5!

I breastfed expecting the weight to fall off, and I gained back the 5 pounds I lost after birth.

And now... here I am, with a baby that turns 11 months (how is that possible?) next week. I find myself planning her first birthday and I'm still 20 pounds over my Weight Watchers goal weight. While I'm sure that Weight Watchers is loving making money off of me I'm sick of paying... again!

Initially in the process, I was frustrated. I aired my complaints several times. I went through periods of trying really hard with very minimal results. I kicked, I screamed, I whined. I glanced over at the rows of pants that didn't fit me, the ones that just hung there - mocking me! I finally packed up all of my clothes, and bought new ones.

And then... glorious acceptance came. Yes, I was over my goal weight, but there was a beautiful miracle in my life as a result of it. I stopped beating myself up, after stepping on the scale. I stopped hating myself when I looked in the mirror. I started sleeping better, and enjoying the small moments, and reminding myself about the bigger picture. I told myself it doesn't matter if this takes a month, a year, or a decade - down is down. And you know what? A funny thing happened. I started losing weight just a little better than I was before.

No... it's not fast, and I do some see-sawing, but I am seeing progress. I am now less than a pound from being down 25 pounds since I started back to Weight Watchers, and I am officially less than 20 pounds away now from being back to my goal weight.

As I see Lily's first birthday looming in the not so distant future, the initial goal I set out for myself is definitely unreachable. But that's OK, because I am making progress, little by little. I've decided to enjoy the journey, enjoy life, and focus on the progress, not the struggles. Focus on the pants that do fit me, and not the pants that are boxed up in the basement.

I am happy - with myself, with my life.
And some days I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a cheering section like this.

YAY Mommy!

Craving... French Fries!

Change July 12, 2012

Have you ever had a craving so strong that you start to obsess about it?

At first you think just a little about it, and then you think about it more and more, until you’re basically useless because you aren’t getting anything done, all you're thinking about is the craving.

Yeah… so call me a little crazy, but I’ve had that building for the last couple of weeks - all over McDonald’s French fries! It’s not like I profess to never go to McDonald’s or anything. In fact, sometimes the drive thru people know me. But I tend to get a coffee, or lately a large unsweetened iced tea. Sometimes I run through and grab a happy meal for “L”. Yes, I allow my child to eat a happy meal every once in awhile, and as he puts it “Mommy, it’s not a sad meal. You know why? Because it has a toy!” Thank you marketing geniuses at the golden arches, you speak right to the sensibilities of a four year old!

Speaking of the Happy Meal, have you seen what they’ve done with the size of the fries? I’m pretty sure it was this altering of the universe that led to my craving as of late. The fries are mini… super tiny!

Happy Meal sized fries next to a large fry!

And now the meal comes with apples AND fries – think little itty bitty. Of course, my child is ecstatic with the changes because he actually LIKES the apples … who knew? I know I'm taking this hard, but you get the picture. I used to steal a few of those fries, and now there aren’t any extra to steal.

My inability to “steal” a French fry in the last few months led to me obsessively thinking about them – imagining how they would taste, the initial crunch and then the soft potatoey inside.

If you follow me on facebook or twitter, you’ll know the pinnacle of my craving was Tuesday. It was intense, and I started searching for a replacement, but knew that a replacement wouldn’t do. So I looked up the PointsPlus value of a medium McDonald’s fry – 10 PointsPlus. OK, so now I know. Tuesday I drove my car to McDonald's, walked in the door and ordered that medium French fry.

Now this type of craving doesn’t call for making this an easy time for the poor McDonald’s employees. As an ex-employee of the establishment, I happen to know a secret or two. If you order fries without salt, they have to make you a fresh batch. So… I walked up to the counter and said, “I’d like a medium fry please with no salt”. The teenage boy at the counter, looked up at me like I had just spoken Swahili, and actually had to call his manager over to discuss. They discussed, and I paid and my fries without salt were on their way! I was getting excited! I got my fries, got exactly 4 ketchup packets and 1 packet of mayo (this is a precise science), and sat down. I didn’t order a burger, I didn’t order a drink or dessert, I simply wanted the fries. I strategically mixed my mayonnaise with the ketchup creating the perfect ratio required for delicious dipping, I lightly sprinkled my fries with salt – all while quickly looking over my shoulder to make sure no one was watching me, lest I be called out for my “trick.”

I dipped the first fry in and ate it – pure bliss! Yes, it seriously did taste as good as I had expected it to in my head for the last couple of weeks. I slowly and deliberately enjoyed every last fry in the container, and swiftly left the premises – my craving satisfied!

We're often taught in Weight Watchers that when we're craving something to ask ourselves what we really want – happiness, comfort, love? A respite from stress, perhaps? Yes, often cravings are us looking for some emotional void to be filled. But sometimes, cravings are just that… CRAVINGS!

So how can we deal with them?

I asked myself what I really wanted… I wanted fresh, super hot McDonald’s French fries!

I assessed the risk… If I eat the fries, I’ll have to give up 10 of my daily or weekly points, plus points for the amount of mayo I intend on eating.

I planned my attack… I ordered fries “without salt” so I could guarantee they would be fresh and worth eating.

I indulged my craving… I sat and deliberately enjoyed each and every last fry.

I moved on…I immediately tracked the points in my journal and “ate smart” for the rest of the day.

I lost 116 pounds because I learned that life is about balance and cravings (and sometimes French Fries - at least mine is), and I'm losing these last 20 or so pregnancy pounds using the same tactics.
I don’t have one bit of guilt about eating those fries, and my craving is now 100% gone. Mission... Accomplished!

What do you crave?

Halfway Back

L June 15, 2012

Last week at my weigh in I lost another 2.6 pounds. That’s 5.6 pounds in 2 weeks! Finally things seem to be looking up for me: I’m sleeping… with the aid of pharmaceuticals but at this point I don’t care, I’m losing weight, and I’m as happy as I’ve been in about a year! Seriously, I have been feeling so happy and blessed lately that it is shocking.

It took a long ways to get to this point right now, and now that I’ve arrived, I feel like I can tackle the last 22 pounds of my “baby weight” and get back to goal.

Even though I’m not back at goal weight yet, I have to tell you about a huge moment that happened for me over the weekend. My mom and sister were visiting, and my whole family went to the arboretum for a day, we walked around some of the gardens, had a picnic, checked out the learning center, and did a hedge maze! “L” loved it! I got to thinking that some of the things I did there I would have never done 100 pounds ago. I would have never walked around like that, and most of all I would have sat in a chair while my husband did “stuff” with my son, either because I was tired, or just too plain embarrassed to “actively” be his mom.

We planted beet seeds in 4 different soils, explored worms, and had a dirt rolling contest! Then he did a scavenger hunt, and had to come back and bring me along so that I could see the cool plant that curled up when you touched it.

And then… the maze. You walk into the first turn in the maze and are promptly greeted by a play tube – you know, like the ones you find connecting things in playgrounds. The ones that are made for small to medium children to climb through. The ones that I've had recurring nightmares about being stuck in and envisioning the headline "Fat Woman from Eagan, Stuck in Tube, Jaws of Life Needed."

I knew I had to follow my son into the maze, and so I held my breath for a minute and climbed on in. My hands hit the sun-drenched spot at the end, and I felt them burn from the heat. A moment more and I climbed out the other side, just in time to be told from my obviously smarter sister that you can actually walk around the tube (she did only figure this out, after she too climbed through the tube).

It is in these moments that I realize how far I've come in the past few years. How different my life is at 100 pounds less than it used to be. Stolen moments, where I smile quietly and enjoy a benefit of weight loss that has nothing to do with the actual number on the scale.

As of yesterday I'm exactly halfway back to my goal weight, from my post-pregnancy weight. There is nothing about this journey back after Lily that has been easy, but there is so much about losing weight that is worth it.

What non-scale victories have you had along your weight loss journey?

Onederland

Goals June 06, 2012

In the journey of weight loss – big time weight loss, where you need to change the first number on your weight at least once if not more times – there is a special place that you always long to be. Most of us losing weight refer to that place as “Onederland”. Definition = the place you get to when the first digit on your weight is a ONE!

Onederland and I have met before… for about a year in 2010 and a portion of 2011. After losing nearly 100 pounds I made it there. I lost another 15 or so pounds, and then I got pregnant with Lily, and watched slowly as my weight creeped up and up. When I was first pregnant, I figured it should be no big deal to keep my weight gain under 30 pounds, and so I hoped to never see a“2” on the front of my weight again. Then early last summer, I did. I was devastated, but I was also pregnant, so I excused it.

Of course, at the time I was dealing with all sorts of stress – for instance, being told that the baby girl I worked so hard to get pregnant with wouldn’t make it to birth, and if she did there would be major complications. For obvious reasons, I found solace in pie, licorice, muffins, donuts, and pretty much anything sweet. I watched as my weight climbed higher and higher during my pregnancy until the day before Lily was born I was up 44 pounds from my Weight Watchers goal weight! Onederland was a distant memory at that point.

A week after my 5 lb 9 oz miracle baby girl was born, I weighed myself. Much to my disgust I had lost exactly 5 pounds! How is that even possible? Just given her birth weight, I should have at least lost 5-1/2 lbs; not to mention all the other fluid you lose after a pregnancy. That was September last year.

A week before Christmas last year, I walked myself back into Weight Watchers… head hung low, hoping no one was looking to see how fat I’d gotten. I stepped on the scale and was within 1 pound of what I weighed the day before Lily was born. Slowly over the last 6 months I have been working my way back to my goal weight. It has been frustrating. It has been slow. I've wanted to give up. I've wondered if I’ll ever get back to the promised land, let alone my goal weight.

Last Thursday, I hit a milestone… I looked on the scale and saw it ONEDERLAND! I was back there again. It felt good. It gave me a burst of willpower and positivity that I can also find my way back to goal. Yes, it is slow, but this is not a race.

Progress… not perfection!

Onederland, I plan on never leaving you again. You are stuck with me for good!

Time Flies

Hearing Loss May 30, 2012

Time flies when you are ~~having fun~~ busy as all get out!

Wowsa! I can’t believe that I let two weeks go by without writing. Things as usual have been crazy around here. Nothing new, but my ability to handle it all, and handle the blog has not been happening. So...let me take a minute and catch you up.

Lily turned 8 months old (holy cow how is that even possible?), and failed her third hearing test (after her tubes) and now we've been told she will need to have an ABR test done, unfortunately for this test she’ll have to be sedated. This will tell us if she really does have hearing loss, and how severe, so we know what steps to take going forward. Before we make the final decision to have this test, we've decided to try one more "sound booth" test with her.

I lost a few pounds, lost another ½ pound and then gained 2-1/2 pounds, basically leaving me for a 0 loss/0 gain for the past month. In breaking news, very uncharacteristic of me, I have decided that I’ve still come a long ways from 80+ pounds ago, and yes even though I have to lose another 25 pounds to get back to my pre pregnancy weight, I’ve decided it is a journey, and if it takes awhile that’s OK, as long as I’m making progress and I’m trying to be as healthy as I can. I have a lot going on - understatement of the year - and sometimes as much as I want to I cannot make myself a priority, so this is going to be much slower this time around. I've accepted it, I've decided to not hate my body or myself because of it. It is what it is. I can't even believe that I just wrote that. It really is "not me" to write something like that, but I think I've finally come to a stage of acceptance with this, and a lot of other things too.

I stopped running. I have no other comments to say about this. In fact, I haven’t really had much formal exercise in the past 2 weeks, but I have push mowed the lawn, gardened for hours, taken walks with my family, taken the stairs when possible, and overall tried to get more activity into my day.

I went through a really rough period over the past several weeks, where I went from waking multiple times a night, to not sleeping at all. It was at this point I actually stopped running, because the exhaustion was so horrible! I had a string of at least 5-7 nights where I didn't sleep... at all! I finally contacted my doctor and she got me an Rx to help. I'm trying not to take it every night. Things with sleep are not perfect, but they are definitely better.

Lily started sitting on her own - SO PROUD! It rained. My sister from Montana visited for a weekend, my husband celebrated his birthday, and I went out of town on a business trip - my first since Lily was born. It rained some more. Lily got sick, but didn't get an ear infection (CHEER)! It kept raining. We bought new chairs in orange and turquoise for our deck, and we planted heirloom and cherry tomatoes, lots of herbs, popcorn, and watermelon in our garden. Still raining! I mowed the ~~lawn~~ swamp, and we ate fried chicken and watermelon. WHEW!

I'm sure I'm missing something in here somewhere, and looking ahead the next few weeks, I see no end in site to all the craziest. Time flies, and so I'm spending lots of time playing "Go Fish" with my son, making smores in the microwave, making a fairy garden, and snuggling my baby and watching her just breathe and sleep. Time well spent, if you ask me.

What's Your Motivation?

Motivation May 18, 2012

Defining Myself

Exercise May 03, 2012

I'm So Tired I Can't Sleep

Insomnia May 02, 2012

This is one part blog post and one part support group therapy. Since having Lily, I have to multi-task as I struggle to work 40 hours a week, lose weight, exercise, take Lily to about 2 therapy/doctor appointments a week, blog, and also raise a sassy, and apparently getting sassier by the day 4 year old! So... stick with me while I knock 2 things off that list at once.

I'm tired.
In fact, I'm so tired I can't sleep.
It makes absolutely no sense and yet its 100 percent true.

I guess you could say I have insomnia. Wikipedia says "insomnia is often defined as a positive response to either of two questions: "Do you experience difficulty sleeping?" or "Do you have difficulty falling or staying asleep?" I guess my answers would be YES, and HECK YEAH!

Now let me clarify by saying that I have exactly zero issues falling asleep. Honestly I think my head hits the pillow and I'm out. I'm THAT exhausted from each day. What I do have trouble with is staying asleep. My sleep is restless, and I wake many, many times a night. And not for long periods of time, just long enough to look at the clock, register the time in my head, and fall back asleep again. I'm honestly not sure I'm falling into deep sleep at all. This started probably about 1-2 months ago, and seems to be getting worse.

Wikipedia also says that, "insomnia is most often thought of as both a sign and a symptom that can accompany several sleep, medical, and psychiatric disorders."

And so I wonder what is my insomnia a sign and symptom of? I think more about it and guess what... it makes me get more insomnia.

I'm sure in some way this is probably all related to the lovely leftover hormones of a pregnancy that feels like it was already a long time ago, but was only about 7 months ago. Most doctors agree that hormones take up to a year after giving birth to get back to "normal". And one might argue that since I ~~have~~ had PCOS mine really may not ever be "normal."

My lack of weight loss, despite my best efforts? Well... I have to wonder if it isn't directly related to my lack of sleep.

Yes. I know I need to see my doctor. I've been trying to call and make an appointment for days and I just get put on permahold through their phone system! I've had to give up 4 times now because I couldn't wait any longer and I was allegedly the next caller in line according to their messaging on hold. Next caller in line for 20 minutes? Makes me wonder what caller number one's issues are.

So... in the meantime, give me your best remedies for insomnia. I'm taking any and all suggestions... GO!

Bread Over Hot Coals - Reprise

Motivation April 05, 2012

Wordless Wednesday

Attitude April 04, 2012

11 POUNDS!

Failure to Thrive March 30, 2012

Yes, I typed my title in all caps... and no that is not my total weight loss so far.

Let me tell you a story (shocked, right?).

Once upon a time there was a girl that would eat 1 chocolate chip and could gain a pound. This girl grew to be a woman, and because she ate many chocolate chips, she gained many, many pounds. By the time she caught herself, she was fat - and not just sort of fat. She was really fat! So she decided to stop eating chocolate chip(s) and she lost some weight - OK maybe 115 pounds of weight. Then she had a baby, and while the baby was cute, her weight loss was even harder than before. Now just eating 1/2 a chocolate chip would even do her in. She didn't understand how it was even possible for people to complain that they "could not gain weight." She scoffed and them and sometimes secretly under her breath muttered "not nice things". It made no sense... eat 1 chocolate chip she thought... that's how I gain weight.

After a few months, that girl realized that her baby just would not gain weight. Her baby would eat and eat, and still sat within 1 ounce of the same weight for 6 weeks! In fact her sweet baby was trying to gain from 10 to 11 pounds for at least 10 whole weeks! And that's a REALLY long time for a baby. And suddenly that girl that couldn't understand how people couldn't gain weight understood. And she knew that both problems are just that ... problems, and both can be really hard to solve.

Yes, I wish that was just a fairytale, but its not. While I have been trying desperately to lose weight, and the battle with the scale has been really slow and unfair over these last 3 months, my daughter has trying to desperately gain just 1 pound since January! As slow as my weight loss has been - I have lost 15.4 pounds in 14 weeks, her weight gain has been heartbreakingly slower. What a stupid paradox I live in daily!

I have been counting and journaling not only every bit of food that goes in my own mouth, but also hers... with each of us having opposite goals.

And because I have been taught - through the tradition of Weight Watchers - to celebrate... the small stuff, the important stuff, and the BIG stuff. Tonight I am celebrating Lily, for yesterday for the first time in 10+ weeks Lily finally weighed in with a number that was not 10. She was exactly 11 pounds!!! I have never celebrated a weight gain so much in my life. Like I said before... cruel paradox.

And so to celebrate, we did what any other parents would do when their baby gains a pound - we bought cake. Don't judge... its been a long, frustrating last few months. This cake is well deserved, and well paid for with a run today too! And I sat down and immensely enjoyed my piece.

Happy 11 pounds baby girl. Mommy is so proud of you!

The Promise

5k March 13, 2012

More Than Smashburger

Attitude March 07, 2012

Reverse Weight Watchers - An Update

Lily February 11, 2012

Maybe you'll remember back to Reverse Weight Watchers. That would be where I was trying desperately to get Ms Lily to gain weight - and at the same time wanting myself to lose weight.

Well... we are nearly 4 months down the road, and as desperately as I've tried, my Lily gains weight slowly. She weighed in at a whopping 10 lbs, 2 oz at her 4 month appointment last month. She was in the 0 percentile for weight and the 1st for height. Yes, I know that a fact of Turner Syndrome is that she will be smaller. But I didn't expect it to show up so soon and so severly. I often wonder how I got children that are in such low percentiles, when I'm in the 200th percentile for weight - or at least that's how it feels.

Fast forward to early this week. I weighed Lily... and.... drumroll please!
10 lbs even!
Really?
You have to be kidding me? In 3 weeks, my daughter has managed to ~~gain~~ oops I mean lose 2 oz?
Really?
OK, she was sick for a week. That must be it.
Who am I kidding? She is never going to be the huge, roly poly baby I always imagined myself with.
She is going to be her... uniquely her, and if I've learned anything in the past year, it is that Lily does things Lily's way.

Meanwhile, we see this repeat for the last several weeks at Weight Watchers:
Down 1 lb
Gain .2
Down .8 of a lb
Down 1 lb
Sigh... yes, my weight is also decreasing... slowly, but surely. I am down a total of 8 lbs in 2 months. Those 2 months include the holidays. I'm not making excuses. I am in all honesty doing exactly what I should be doing: counting my points. Its just painstakingly SLOW! My average weight loss is under a pound a week. I can't say I'm thrilled. Can you tell? I'm not sure when my body is going to wake up and realize that I'm no longer pregnant, and it can let go of the weight - hopefully before summer though, since I really, really don't want to buy a new summer wardrobe. I already had to buy a new winter wardrobe. I really miss those pants and tops I put in a bin down the basement.

Lily is destined to gain slowly... I am destined to lose slowly. I just have to take a few deep breaths and remind myself that in a couple of years none of this will matter - for either of us!

Weigh In Thursday... Nada!

Post Baby Weight Loss January 26, 2012

I think I've finally broken my scale addiction habit. I have now successfully stayed off my home scale for 2 full weeks in a row! This is huge for me. I am not weighing myself like I am an addict, and last week I still thought about it a lot, but this week, I barely thought about it at all. Its nice to have my mind back for awhile.

Unfortunately, the scale was not kind to me this week. I was very hopeful, as I tracked everything I ate, got my water in, and ate within my points. My reward... nothing! I didn't lose, and I didn't gain. This postpartum body really has me tearing my hair out some days.

I can do everything right and lose 2-3 pounds, or I can do everything right and lose nothing. I'm not sure how to deal with that. On top of it all my face is broken out like a hormonal teenager, and I just got over this strange breakout of some type all over my lips. I did not have so many issues reclaiming my "normal" body back after "L" was born, so I have to admit all of this is not something that I expected still 4 months postpartum.

I'm sure my stress levels, and my lack of sleep from having both a 4 month old, that was extra cranky from her shots, and a sick 4 year old both in the past week has probably contributed not only to the stall on the scale, but also to the Clearasil that is needed on my face.

Today after I weighed in, I did sit and mope for awhile. You would have done the same thing... don't lie. But as usual, I left my meeting feeling empowered. It always does that for me. Empowered to take on a new week, keep making healthy choices, and know that eventually the stupid scale has to budge... right?

I hope some day to wake up and be back in my size 8 pants, with perfect skin, and a naive life, but I fear that is not on the docket for any time soon. So in the mean time I do my best. I pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue on the journey. Really... what other options do I have. I am not about to go back to this:

EVER!
As Winston Churchill said, and I love "Never never never never give up!"

Weigh In - 1/19/12

Pictures January 20, 2012

Attitude Adjustment

Attitude January 19, 2012

So last week I was whiny... really whiny. It happens. I posted this. I was hating my body... hating my weight. I was feeling like it was all really unfair. And then, I got exactly what I needed, this comment:

Valerie (seattlerunnergirl)said...

I know you might want to smack me for this, but I would trade every one of those 40 pounds for your daughter in a heartbeat. Or, rather, I think you would. If given a choice between whether you could erase the last year AND the weight, but in so doing you'd have to give up your little girl, I'm pretty sure you'd choose to keep Lily and the weight. It just sucks that you can't have BOTH Lily AND your goal weight right now. But you will eventually. I'm believing it for you AND for me because I'm pretty much in the same place.

Now I don't know if you read Valerie's blog, but I have for probably about a year and a half. It was one of the first blogs I started reading when I started running. Then, last year within about the same week we both announced our pregnancies. Val was due in September... 3 weeks before me. And in September, her little girl was born just 1 day before mine. We both had C-sections. We are both "losers" of weight and now gainers of weight because of our sweet babies.

I read Val's comment and I cried. I'm not talking a dainty little cry, I'm talking big sobs, snotty nose crying. What she said was so obvious and so true. Why, why did I not think of that myself?

I would absolutely 100 percent any day trade even more than 40 lbs for my daughter. I would trade it all back. I would trade all 115 pounds back if I had to for her. I would trade 200 pounds for her. I wouldn't want to, but I would do it, without even thinking about it.

As much as the miracle of Lily has changed me, it is obvious that the old ways of thinking about myself are still sometimes fully intact - the old ways of equating my worth to a number on a stupid scale.

I am not what I weigh!

I have been letting the post-pregnancy weight define me, rule my emotions, get me down. I am done.

Don't get me wrong, I am still as driven as ever to get back to my goal, , but at this point if I never lost another pound, but was guaranteed to be able to snuggle my sweet baby girl every day, I would be happy.

I will love myself where I'm at.

I will live my life where I'm at.

And that... is why I do this. Why I put this out here, because I know I'm not the only person that struggles with these things. I know I'm not the only mother who's gained too much weight during a pregnancy, I know I'm not the only mother of a Turner Syndrome miracle, that wonders what the future will bring. I know I'm not the only woman that judges her self worth by the number on the scale, and I know when I'm being short-sighted and not seeing the forest for the trees, that I have someone who will come and pull me up and give me what I need - which this time was a good attitude adjustment!

The Weigh In

Post Baby Weight Loss January 12, 2012

I step on the scale this morning... it reads exactly to the tenth of a pound what it did last week. I stand in the bathroom and punch the sheet rock on the wall. I come out of the bathroom with a giant pout on my face, and complain to my husband about the unfairness of it all. He tells me maybe I need to start exercising again. I yell that he doesn't understand, and ask him when he expects me to exercise, 3 am? I grab my apple cinnamon Chobani yogurt and head towards Starbucks.

There is at least 10 people in front of me in line... one of which decides that she apparently needs 6 different drinks. Ugh! While waiting (forever) for my coffee, I bring up Twitter on my phone to waste away the time. I send this tweet:

You can tell, the day wasn't off to the best start.
I get to work, sit down at my desk and get lost in a mundane task that needs to be completed. I drink my coffee. I don't eat my yogurt. I guess I figure if I starve myself this morning, maybe it will make all the difference.

After a while my cell phone rings. It is a call I've been waiting for for a couple of days - a renowned doctor in North Carolina that would like have my daughter join a Turner Syndrome study she has been conducting. We chat, the conversation is nice. I ask lots of questions. I tell her Lily has Turner Syndrome, I tell her about the non-longer mysterious growth on the back of her head. We chat about the various pictures that various doctors have snapped of it on their cell phones. I tell her about my previous pregnancy, about the HELLP syndrome. She pauses, I can tell she is struck by the fact that 2 totally random things have hit me twice. She tells me she doesn't know which one is worse. I take a moment to feel bad for myself, but then slink back to my desk and actual revel in the news the call brought.

11:30 rolls around... time to leave for Weight Watchers. I drive to my meeting, and walk through the door and to the scale. Several people say "hi Sarah". I stop and show the receptionist a picture of my daughter and son. I feel like I'm walking the walk of shame, and yet I should have nothing to be ashamed of, because from a health standpoint I did everything I should have. I drank lots of water, ate my share of fruits and veggies, and stayed within my points. I tried to move a little every day, even if it is just walking around my car while I wait for the gas to pump, or doing squats every time the microwave is running to heat Lily's bottle.

I start the disrobing process - its like a weekly ritual... coat off, scarf and gloves off, blazer off, boots off. I stand in my dress and tights now on the scale and grit my teeth. I automatically blurt out, "I know I didn't lose anything and I can't figure out why!" My CWWL looks up and me and states, "Maybe you should save that comment for a time when you really didn't lose weight." A look of shock crosses my face, I stare down at the paper I see:

- 1.2

I quietly smile, and back away from the scale. I don't know how it happened between this morning and noon. My scale ALWAYS matches Weight Watcher's scale really closely. I don't know how it happened, and honestly I don't care. I will take it!

Next week I hope to make to my first 5 lbs lost.

Don't forget... tomorrow's the LAST DAY to enter my Zipfizz giveaway. There will be 2 winners, so definitely check it out, all you have to do for an entry is leave me a comment on the giveaway post with what flavor you want to try.

Friday Cuteness

Breaking My Silence