I Hate Those People

January 10, 2012

Don't you hate those people... those women?   You know the kind I mean... the kind that lose 10 pounds in 1 week.  The kind that gain 40 pounds while they are pregnant and are back in their pre-pregnancy size by the end of their maternity leave. 

I have read one too many stories lately about women like this.  I hate it.  Sorry if this is you... don't take it personally, but from where I stand it is unfair.

Over 3 months ago I gave birth to a 5 pound 9 ounce little pink angel.  Sitting here tonight I weigh 4 pounds less than the day she was born.  I did not lose 10 pounds in 1 week, in fact, I don't even weigh less than her birth weight.  I have been done with maternity leave for a month, and I can tell you am I still double my pre-pregnancy size.  I feel completely alone.  It seems like no one else seems to have this problem.  Why do I feel like the only woman in the world that has had a baby, gained weight, and barely lost any of it?  I am frustrated and ticked off!

I have been perfectly on the Weight Watchers eating plan so far this week... even over the weekend.  Stepping on the scale this morning - and yes it is NOT my weigh in day, and yes I know I shouldn't weigh myself so often, so go away already - revealed that I have lost nothing since last Thursday.

There are so so many nights I want to throw in the towel, to forget it.  But then I remember that I said I #Believe.  There are so many nights I look at this:

My after Oct 2010
and it stings my eyes... it hurts! I want her back. She was so happy and skinny and naive. She didn't carry around a chip on her shoulder or feel the sting when completely strangers make negative comments about how her baby is so tiny for her age. She didn't know the pain and hurt and anxiety of a pregnancy "gone wrong". She had so much hope that things would work out, that her perfect story would be written. She didn't think she'd gain that much weight while pregnant. She also didn't think she'd have 28 ultrasounds, 1 amnio, and 1 MRI! She thought whatever weight she did lose would fall off in a couple of months. 

What a difference a year makes:

Starting over - 40 pounds heavier - Jan 2012
At least she is still smiling... who wouldn't holding that perfect peanut!
And at the end of the day the only thing that sometimes keeps me going is the perspective that at least I am no longer this:
My "before" Fall 2006
And there is no way in hell I'm going back there.

There are some days I can't stand to look at myself.  I feel sad.  I feel betrayed by life... I kick and scream, "It's not fair!"  I did my work before, and now I'm here - fat again.  I am tired of trying to lose weight.  I don't want to be back at the beginning of this again.  It feels impossible.  I'm tired of hearing about 5+ pound weight losses, when that is not my reality.

I want to blink my eyes in be back at my goal weight.  I want to blink my eyes and realize I had a terrible dream... that 2011 was one big, terrible dream. 

But that isn't going to happen.  My reality is not going anywhere.  And so... for one more day I deal with it.  I trudge along realizing that it is going to take me way longer than I ever thought to lose this weight again, and possibly even longer to deal with my emotions and anxiety, that my daughter is going to be a small peanut her whole life and I just need to find a witty comeback, and that perfection, easy perfect pregnancies, and large weekly weight losses ... those are for the unlucky ones; For
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

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  1. Oh honey, I am sorry you are feeling like this. You will get there. And plus you have hormones and all that crazy *after pregnancy* crap to deal with.

  2. You will get back to your goal weight..patience us the key:)

  3. I totally hate those people. I have an great friend who was talking about how she lost 50 pounds and didn't even exercise. WHAT?!?!?! I have to burn at least 3000 calories a week through exercise or I gain for the week. Bleh!
    Your daughter is beautiful! It has been so amazing to follow your journey and see what immense faith you have had to exhibit to bring her into this world.
    I don't think that I've even seen that before pic. You look fantastic (even with the extra baby weight!). Stick to the plan. You know what works. It will work. Give it time. :)

  4. Think about the trauma on you emotionally. I am sure that there is just as much trauma physically from having to carry that stress, not to mention making a baby.

    It is so frustrating to think about how long it will take but it will work. You and I will do it together, no matter how long it takes.

    Oh, and thank you for all the recipes yesterday!

  5. Girl of all people I know, you can reach your goals. You have the determination, tools, desire and the grit to get it done! You worked hard to lose the weight, to have your beautiful baby, and now you get to work hard to reach your goal weight. Reaching your weight loss goals takes time. You've done it before you can do it again. Give yourself a break and enjoy the process. For me the stress I add to my life, kills my progress, maybe you are the same. Put the fun back into your journey, get excited for what the future will bring!! Enjoy your baby, your family, your work, your journey!! You can so do this! I believe in you!!

    Stay focused!!!

  6. I am sorry. It sucks. And yet, I see such joy and beauty in that picture of you and your darling girl. (I know, you wish I would shut up. But it's true.)

    Hugs to you.

  7. My "baby" is 11 yrs old now and I weigh only 5 lbs less than the day she was born! You're not alone. I'm making this yr my yr to take off the 50 extra pounds of fat that drag me down!
    I've read your story, you can do it again especially for your little L's :)

  8. Your angeer, frustrations and feelings are 100% valid. You're right, it's absolutely NOT fair!! As my Director of Nursing says, "If life were fair, we'd all have cancer."

  9. I know you might want to smack me for this, but I would trade every one of those 40 pounds for your daughter in a heartbeat. Or, rather, I think you would. If given a choice between whether you could erase the last year AND the weight, but in so doing you'd have to give up your little girl, I'm pretty sure you'd choose to keep Lily and the weight. It just sucks that you can't have BOTH Lily AND your goal weight right now. But you will eventually. I'm believing it for you AND for me because I'm pretty much in the same place.

  10. Hi, I came to your blog via Magic. I just had to tell you that I totally sympathize with your experience. I too had a deeply scary pregnancy with being told at 20 weeks gestation that our baby wasn't growing, would surely not survive and if he did who knows what was wrong with him. This was following the death of my mom and then in my son's first year my dad was diagnosed with cancer. And here I am still 30 lbs overweight 20 months after he was born and I don't even want to do weight watchers because I can't get through the day without constant chai teas. I mourn the "old" me who was thin, healthy and fit and who had a mother and had the energy to care for myself & manage my life. I admire what you accomplished and can only encourage you to be kind to yourself.


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