Today was a good day.  I was down 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers.  I'm only .7 of a pound from leaving the 200s (again) forever.  As you might know, I have been so discouraged about my weight loss over the past month - actually over the past couple of months.  I have been on Weight Watchers for over 5 months, and total I am only down 18 pounds.  That feels like failure to me, even though I know it is far from it.


I also have to confess to something else.  I stopped running this week.  It was not doing my weight loss journey any favors, and while I know it is a healthy thing, right now my focus is honestly on pounds... getting off these post baby pounds, getting into a normal BMI zone again.

Right now that journey does not include running.  What it does include is exercise, and right now I've chosen to buy the 5 DVD Cardio/Strength set that Weight Watchers sells and aim to do that 4 days a week.  I did it on Sunday and I was sore until today.  It is 35+ minutes of lunges, squats, and more lunges.  That lady is seriously lunge crazy!  I did it again tonight.  I may not be walking tomorrow.  I may have to go back to using the handicapped access stall in the bathroom at work, but apparently it is really effective!

This is a different journey from the first time around.
This journey is harder.  I know I've said it before, but it is.  And... I really don't know why, because I have WAY less weight to lose this time.  Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking, maybe it is because I'm the now the mother of 2 instead of 1, or maybe its because I have a little baby girl that takes a little (who I am kidding) a lot of extra work.

It's horrible to see the scale barely move or go up when you've been doing what you are supposed to be doing - exercising and eating right.  It is hard to stay motivated and to keep going.  It is hard to look at the number and not care so much.  And I care SO much!  I found I was dreading Thursdays because it was the day I stepped on that beast of a scale and it displayed my self worth.  It was if the numbers were mocking me... shouting out

FAILURE
YOU SUCK
WORTHLESS

In addition to hating the scale, I begin to hate myself on Thursdays.

It's horrible... it really is, and I'm sure you are reading this and thinking I'm messed up.  And you know what?  I probably am, I have my baggage.  You know what else?  You are probably a little messed up too.  How many times have you talked to yourself this way?  Thought bad thoughts about yourself.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm positive of that.

Today was easier... yes, it was easier because the scale was kind to me this week, but not only that I had resolved myself at least to not care.  No, I wasn't going to be happy about it if I was up, or even stayed the same, but I promised myself I would not let it wreck my day.  That is a starting point for me.  It's far from where I need to be, but this journey is about progress not perfection, and not hating myself on Thursdays - on one Thursday is a start. 

The scale... it's a simply a number.  It's one measure of progress.  It is not THE measure of progress.  I am trying to learn this.  I am worth more than that number on the scale.  I am:

A GOOD MOM AND WIFE
AN EXCELLENT COOK
INTELLIGENT
INSIGHTFUL
DETERMINED

And none of those have anything at all to do with the number on the scale!
Love yourself where your at.  200.6 ... its where I'm at.  It doesn't make me any less than I was at 175 or 165. 

Yes, I typed my title in all caps... and no that is not my total weight loss so far.

Let me tell you a story (shocked, right?).

Once upon a time there was a girl that would eat 1 chocolate chip and could gain a pound.  This girl grew to be a woman, and because she ate many chocolate chips, she gained many, many pounds.  By the time she caught herself, she was fat - and not just sort of fat.  She was really fat!  So she decided to stop eating chocolate chip(s) and she lost some weight - OK maybe 115 pounds of weight.  Then she had a baby, and while the baby was cute,  her weight loss was even harder than before.  Now just eating 1/2 a chocolate chip would even do her in.  She didn't understand how it was even possible for people to complain that they "could not gain weight."  She scoffed and them and sometimes secretly under her breath muttered "not nice things".  It made no sense... eat 1 chocolate chip she thought... that's how I gain weight.

After a few months, that girl realized that her baby just would not gain weight.  Her baby would eat and eat, and still sat within 1 ounce of the same weight for 6 weeks!  In fact her sweet baby was trying to gain from 10 to 11 pounds for at least 10 whole weeks!  And that's a REALLY long time for a baby.  And suddenly that girl that couldn't understand how people couldn't gain weight understood.  And she knew that both problems are just that ... problems, and both can be really hard to solve.

Yes, I wish that was just a fairytale, but its not.  While I have been trying desperately to lose weight, and the battle with the scale has been really slow and unfair over these last 3 months, my daughter has trying to desperately gain just 1 pound since January!  As slow as my weight loss has been - I have lost 15.4 pounds in 14 weeks, her weight gain has been heartbreakingly slower.  What a stupid paradox I live in daily!

I have been counting and journaling not only every bit of food that goes in my own mouth, but also hers... with each of us having opposite goals. 

And because I have been taught - through the tradition of Weight Watchers - to celebrate... the small stuff, the important stuff, and the BIG stuff.  Tonight I am celebrating Lily, for yesterday for the first time in 10+ weeks Lily finally weighed in with a number that was not 10.  She was exactly 11 pounds!!!  I have never celebrated a weight gain so much in my life.  Like I said before... cruel paradox.

And so to celebrate, we did what any other parents would do when their baby gains a pound - we bought cake.  Don't judge... its been a long, frustrating last few months.  This cake is well deserved, and well paid for with a run today too!  And I sat down and immensely enjoyed my piece.



Happy 11 pounds baby girl.  Mommy is so proud of you!

Can you believe that we are already nearing the end of the third week in January?
Can you believe that this little pumpkin is already 4 months old as of Monday?

I step on the scale this morning... it reads exactly to the tenth of a pound what it did last week.  I stand in the bathroom and punch the sheet rock on the wall.  I come out of the bathroom with a giant pout on my face, and complain to my husband about the unfairness of it all.  He tells me maybe I need to start exercising again.  I yell that he doesn't understand, and ask him when he expects me to exercise, 3 am?  I grab my apple cinnamon Chobani yogurt and head towards Starbucks. 

There is at least 10 people in front of me in line... one of which decides that she apparently needs 6 different drinks.  Ugh!  While waiting (forever) for my coffee, I bring up Twitter on my phone to waste away the time.  I send this tweet:
You can tell, the day wasn't off to the best start.
I get to work, sit down at my desk and get lost in a mundane task that needs to be completed.  I drink my coffee.  I don't eat my yogurt.  I guess I figure if I starve myself this morning, maybe it will make all the difference.

After a while my cell phone rings.  It is a call I've been waiting for for a couple of days - a renowned doctor in North Carolina that would like have my daughter join a Turner Syndrome study she has been conducting.  We chat, the conversation is nice.  I ask lots of questions.  I tell her Lily has Turner Syndrome, I tell her about the non-longer mysterious growth on the back of her head.  We chat about the various pictures that various doctors have snapped of it on their cell phones.  I tell her about my previous pregnancy, about the HELLP syndrome.  She pauses, I can tell she is struck by the fact that 2 totally random things have hit me twice.  She tells me she doesn't know which one is worse.  I take a moment to feel bad for myself, but then slink back to my desk and actual revel in the news the call brought.

11:30 rolls around... time to leave for Weight Watchers.  I drive to my meeting, and walk through the door and to the scale.  Several people say "hi Sarah".  I stop and show the receptionist a picture of my daughter and son.  I feel like I'm walking the walk of shame, and yet I should have nothing to be ashamed of, because from a health standpoint I did everything I should have.  I drank lots of water, ate my share of fruits and veggies, and stayed within my points.  I tried to move a little every day, even if it is just walking around my car while I wait for the gas to pump, or doing squats every time the microwave is running to heat Lily's bottle.

I start the disrobing process - its like a weekly ritual... coat off, scarf and gloves off, blazer off, boots off.  I stand in my dress and tights now on the scale and grit my teeth.  I automatically blurt out, "I know I didn't lose anything and I can't figure out why!"  My CWWL looks up and me and states, "Maybe you should save that comment for a time when you really didn't lose weight."  A look of shock crosses my face, I stare down at the paper I see:

- 1.2

I quietly smile, and back away from the scale.  I don't know how it happened between this morning and noon.  My scale ALWAYS matches Weight Watcher's scale really closely. I don't know how it happened, and honestly I don't care.  I will take it!

Next week I hope to make to my first 5 lbs lost.

Don't forget... tomorrow's the LAST DAY to enter my Zipfizz giveaway.  There will be 2 winners, so definitely check it out, all you have to do for an entry is leave me a comment on the giveaway post with what flavor you want to try.

Don't you hate those people... those women?   You know the kind I mean... the kind that lose 10 pounds in 1 week.  The kind that gain 40 pounds while they are pregnant and are back in their pre-pregnancy size by the end of their maternity leave. 

I have read one too many stories lately about women like this.  I hate it.  Sorry if this is you... don't take it personally, but from where I stand it is unfair.

Over 3 months ago I gave birth to a 5 pound 9 ounce little pink angel.  Sitting here tonight I weigh 4 pounds less than the day she was born.  I did not lose 10 pounds in 1 week, in fact, I don't even weigh less than her birth weight.  I have been done with maternity leave for a month, and I can tell you am I still double my pre-pregnancy size.  I feel completely alone.  It seems like no one else seems to have this problem.  Why do I feel like the only woman in the world that has had a baby, gained weight, and barely lost any of it?  I am frustrated and ticked off!

I have been perfectly on the Weight Watchers eating plan so far this week... even over the weekend.  Stepping on the scale this morning - and yes it is NOT my weigh in day, and yes I know I shouldn't weigh myself so often, so go away already - revealed that I have lost nothing since last Thursday.

There are so so many nights I want to throw in the towel, to forget it.  But then I remember that I said I #Believe.  There are so many nights I look at this:

My after Oct 2010

and it stings my eyes... it hurts! I want her back. She was so happy and skinny and naive. She didn't carry around a chip on her shoulder or feel the sting when completely strangers make negative comments about how her baby is so tiny for her age. She didn't know the pain and hurt and anxiety of a pregnancy "gone wrong". She had so much hope that things would work out, that her perfect story would be written. She didn't think she'd gain that much weight while pregnant. She also didn't think she'd have 28 ultrasounds, 1 amnio, and 1 MRI! She thought whatever weight she did lose would fall off in a couple of months. 

What a difference a year makes:

Starting over - 40 pounds heavier - Jan 2012 At least she is still smiling... who wouldn't holding that perfect peanut!

And at the end of the day the only thing that sometimes keeps me going is the perspective that at least I am no longer this:

My "before" Fall 2006

And there is no way in hell I'm going back there.

There are some days I can't stand to look at myself.  I feel sad.  I feel betrayed by life... I kick and scream, "It's not fair!"  I did my work before, and now I'm here - fat again.  I am tired of trying to lose weight.  I don't want to be back at the beginning of this again.  It feels impossible.  I'm tired of hearing about 5+ pound weight losses, when that is not my reality.

I want to blink my eyes in be back at my goal weight.  I want to blink my eyes and realize I had a terrible dream... that 2011 was one big, terrible dream. 

But that isn't going to happen.  My reality is not going anywhere.  And so... for one more day I deal with it.  I trudge along realizing that it is going to take me way longer than I ever thought to lose this weight again, and possibly even longer to deal with my emotions and anxiety, that my daughter is going to be a small peanut her whole life and I just need to find a witty comeback, and that perfection, easy perfect pregnancies, and large weekly weight losses ... those are for the unlucky ones; For
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." - Helen Keller

Yesterday was my Weight Watchers meeting.  To get the nitty gritty out of the way, I’m up 1 pound total over the “2 weeks of holidays”.  My goal was to basically maintain.  I am ok with being up 1 pound after those 2 weeks.  If I wasn’t doing Weight Watchers I know I would have easily been up 5 pounds.  WIN!


I was asked… do I believe I can do this, this year?  Do I believe that I can lose 40 pounds and get back to my goal weight?  And I do… I really do, but it is hard.  This time is harder for me.  I’m trying to quantify why losing 40 pounds should be harder than losing 115.  It was suggested that maybe part of it is that I’ve told myself it is going to be harder.  True… I think there is definitely something to that.  But I also know that this time my motivation is different – my biological clock is no longer ticking.  I can be leisurely about this if I want to.  This time is about me reclaiming myself, whereas before my external driver was about having a healthy pregnancy.

Happy New Year!  Yes, yes, I know its already 4 days in... I'm a little slow preoccupied these days yet, but I really, really wanted to get back here and set up my goals for 2012.  I am determined to make this the year that I reclaim myself.

You'll remember (or not if you are new... by the way, welcome) that last year I set out some specific goals, and then pregnancy happened, and that pregnancy turned into a sweet pumpkin named Lily, who just happened to be missing an "X" chromosome, and who threw us all for a loop.  So.. my year did not turn out at all like I imagined, and my goals pretty much went to the wayside.

Enter 2012.  The year that I am determined to reclaim the skinny me and my sanity.

Goal #1:  Reclaim the skinny Sarah.  Fit back into my pants.
So... its the typical New Year's resolution if you want to call it that.  The difference is for me this is a goal not a resolution.  In 9 months I gained 45ish pounds.  I had a 5 pound baby, and I lost 2 pounds.  HA!  Not kidding.  When I weighed in back at Weight watchers 2 weeks ago, I was up 43 pounds from my goal weight.  I have since lost around 3 pounds.  I am wearing 14s and 16s, when last year at this time I was a svelte 8.  I hate not fitting into my pants.  They were cute pants, they were nice pants.  I liked them.  So, 2012 is my year to fit back into my pants again.

It took me 9 months to gain 40+ pounds and I am just fine with it taking 9 months to a year to lose them.  I know what is realistic for me.  I'm not a loser of 2 pounds + a week.  My average weight loss the first time down was 1 pound a week.  At my last weigh in I was around 215.  My goal weight is 175.  I'd like to be down to 199.9 by my birthday in March.  It's March 22.  I have around 11 weeks.  I'd like to be down the other 25 pounds by the end of this year. 

Realistic goals!  I can do this.  I will make this happen.  I know exactly what to do.  I'm a pro at this weight loss stuff.  I lost 115 pounds before, 40 should be a.piece.of.cake!  But I'm still scared.  Scared to fail, scared to be fat.

On the way to reclaiming my skinny self, and my old pants, I'd like to restart a "formal" exercise program this year.  I'm not sure what this means right now.  I haven't run since sometime late last February.  My first step is to figure out what form of exercise and where to exercise will work best for me in this season - tired mother with small infant and preschool son- of my life.  I've considered rejoining Curves as I know it works and its a 30 minute commitment.  I want to run, and I may start up the "run a 5k program" I did before, in the spring once it is lighter later in the evenings.

Goal #2:  Reclaim my sanity
This one is just slighter harder to put out here, as it involves my mental health, and sometimes I think that is a side of myself I'd rather just hide away.  But I feel it needs to be said.  Last year sucked.  It drained the life out of me with my traumatic pregnancy... not to mention the hormones.  I have some lingering issues.  Sometimes I feel sad... really really sad, and I'm not always 100% sure why.  But even a bigger concern is my anxiety levels recently are sky high.  I worry about stuff... and not just little things, but big things... like my kids dying, car accidents, bad things happening to my family.  It is freaky.  I'm nearly positive it is a result of the stress of my pregnancy that has done this to me, but I don't want to live in this stupid constant fear, anger, and sadness. 

I think the food I put in my mouth and finding exercise to do will play a huge role in helping me in this area, as I'm a big believer that physical health and mental health are closely tied together, but I am not going to be ashamed to reach out for help to a therapist/counselor this year to process the events of 2011. 

And so... I will reclaim my sanity, and at the end of 2012, I will be a skinny, sane girl in cute pants!  Shoot for the stars, right?

2012 is going to be better.  I am ready and willing to work on my body, mind, and soul, and discover new lessons along the way.  Welcome 2012... I like you better already.

I got this book for Christmas


In the beginning, the author, Pam Anderson (and no, not the Baywatch babe) talks about her weight struggles, and how she decided she could never do another diet again.  How she couldn’t do Atkins or South Beach because she didn’t want to have to cut out a whole category of foods.  She didn’t want a life without pasta and wine.  I love the reasoning here.  I too, don’t do well on these types of diets.  I can’t live without half and half in my coffee, and bread with real butter very long.  And if you've been around for a year with me, you know I love my wine too (Can you still believe its 4 points plus per glass?)  It isn’t sustainable for me.  That’s why I have always loved Weight Watchers… you can eat anything, just not everything!

Another item that really stuck out at me was her philosophy behind exercising.  She talks about how she didn’t have time for an hour or even a half hour workout, so she didn’t exercise.  But then she decided that she could make time for smaller bursts of an activity, and that would count too!  She made the decision to do a small walk before every meal, and just that movement made a huge change in her life, and her weight.


I’d commit to walk 10 minutes, but it would be in the dark right now, so I don’t think that is an option.  But I can:

Run up and down the stairs for 5 minutes
Do some crunches
Pretend Lily is a barbell and bench press her
Put on some music and dance crazy for 5 minutes.  My son will love this one!

It’s like my own circuit training routine.  So… for the next month I pledge to take 10 minutes for me to “exercise”.  It is something, it is probably all I can really do right now, and while it’s a far cry from the 3-4 mile runs of my past, it is moving forward, and it will do something to move me towards my next goals.

Yesterday was my week 1 weigh in after starting back to Weight Watcher's meetings.  I was so happy to lose 3.4 pounds!  It was exactly the victory that I needed after trying a few weeks ago and have less than stellar results.  I am feeling confidence in myself and the Points Plus plan.

I had a good week, I had 2 parties/events that had food that I attended, and they didn't derail me, but I still had fun.  I was so much more conscious about what I was putting in my mouth.  It feels so good to know that I CAN do this again.  I feel renewed strength and energy.  I know I will get back to my goal weight, but I will not be surprised or annoyed if it takes me about a year.  I have 40 more pounds to lose.  This is not an easy journey, but as I've always said... its worth it.  I am worth it... we are worth it!

When I go to a Weight Watchers meeting... no matter how small... I am reminded why I am there, and why it is so important for me.  Yesterday there were only a handful of people at my meeting - a sign of the season for sure, but there were so many great ideas and conversation.  To be with other people that are real in their struggles is so important for me.  Our leader was a fill in, because CWWL was away for Christmas, and she was a spit-fire!  I loved her!  She told us that people that attend Weight Watchers meetings lose 50% more weight than those that try to do it alone, or online. 

Now, don't get me wrong... if that works for you, then great!  But I know for me, I have to be in that meeting.  The 2 years I was losing my 115 pounds I missed only a handful of meetings and those were because I was usually on vacation.  I know now in retrospect that meetings were the #1 key to my weight loss.  I feel so much stronger after them, I feel understood, I have more willpower.

As we are 2 days away from Christmas, I am not going to promise you I will be perfect.  This week my goal is to maintain or gain less than 1 pound.  It is Christmas after all.. there is lefse to be eaten, and chocolate chip cookie dough balls to be tasted.  If it's a 9 or a 10... I will probably eat some.  But I will make sure I love it, and I won't stretch out Christmas Eve and day into a week or even longer. 

I feel strong... I feel ready FINALLY... I am ready for the final chapter of this journey.  This time it isn't about my desire for another child, like before Lily, this time it is about me, and making me the best me I can be.  40 pounds should be a piece of cake after 115, right?

May your holidays be Merry and Bright!

I've completed 4 full days on plan since going back to Weight Watchers and I'm doing good.  I have several "holiday events" this week, so while it so far as been tough, its not been impossible.  I have used all but 13 of my weekly points so far, but that is what they are there for, right?

So what are some small things I have changed in the past few days to try and be as successful this week as possible?

Well... first off I'm drinking more water.  Am I drinking the amount still that I should?  Nope... but I'm getting much, much closer.  Also I've discovered something amazing... Zipfizz!  The Berry flavor is so yummy in water.  In full disclosure, Zipfizz sent me some free product to try, and a full review will be forthcoming, but I will definitely search out this product and pay for it.  Its sort of a cross between vitamin water and Emergen-C (not as much fizz though). 

Next up... I'm eating more veggies.  Tonight I made an amazing salad with tons of fresh spinach, 1 hard boiled egg, 2 strips of crumbled bacon, a little blue cheese, 1 Tbsp of craisins, and some light balsamic vinaigrette.  So filling and delicious all for around 7 PP.

Overall I am becoming more conscious, once again, of the things I am putting in my mouth.  I am making sure that if it goes in the mouth, it is worth it.  I am asking myself routinely - What do I want more, this food or to be back at goal weight? 

Progress not Perfection, Choices not Chances

I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't want to do it.  I had thought about it for days with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I had talked myself into and out of it so many times throughout the week it wasn't even funny.  In fact, just this morning I probably talked myself in and out of it 10 times before noon. 

But I knew I needed to do it, and so my body in some sort of automatic fashion at around 11:20 am today got out my chair at work, got its coat on, walked to my car, and drove a few miles down the road.  When I parked in the parking lot I took a huge breath, pasted a half-ass smile across my face, and walked through the doors....

OF WEIGHT WATCHERS!

I don't know why I was nervous.  Maybe its because of the 45 or so pounds that I've gained since March, maybe its because I thought that people would think I was a complete failure, that they would judge me harshly.  Yes, it was those things, and maybe it was also because I think I won't be able to do this... that I will fail.  I think its also because it seems foolish barely a week before Christmas to "start Weight Watchers".  Despite those feelings, I also knew in my heart that if any one person there had had the year I had just endure, any one of them might be exactly in my spot.  For a moment I was just happy to have survived this year.. this pregnancy.

This was the right time for me, despite the holidays approaching.  Even if I just strive to maintain I will be better off.  I want to fit in my clothes again.  I want to feel light on my feet, and hold my head up high again.  I want to run after my Ls squared and not be tired.  I want to do a race with my son someday... soon!  I want to love me again and not be ashamed.  I want the world to know that I walked through a year of shit, gained some weight, and lost it.  Because isn't that so true?  Isn't that something that has happened to everyone at one time or another.

Yes, I tried to do it on line... the result is that I'm up about 4 pounds since starting it online.  Obviously that wasn't working for me.

So.. I knew what I had to do, and despite all of those feelings.  I went, and now I feel like a heavy weight (not literally, unfortunately) has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Once I sat down and the meeting started I knew that I had absolutely made the right decision.  I felt a sense of willpower and positivity come over me.  As we started to talk about food and the holidays and how to deal, I knew that I was in the right place.  As I thought about the party I will be attending tomorrow and the food and alcohol that would be there something magical was said... "you have to decide what you want more, to lose weight, or to eat the food."  Its choices, not chance that will get me back to my goal weight.

I can do this, I want this, I am worth this.
Choices not chance, that is my new mantra. 

Its Thursday... which means I weighed myself for the first time since starting back to counting Points last Thursday. 

Overall, my week was really good.  I followed the plan.  I measured my food.  I stopped eating candy.  Probably the only thing that I didn't do was drink the amount of water I should have.. but, I was close.

So... when I stepped on the scale this morning, I was really hopeful.  But instead what I got was a weight that was up .1 of a pound.  I blinked, and laughed thinking I must have screwed up and I got off and stepped on again... same number, 215.1.  I can't believe it.  I'm PISSED!  No, make that I'm PISSED AS HELL!  Can you tell I'm mad?

I really can't figure it out, but what it does is makes me 100% distrust the Points Plus program.  And even more it makes me distrust my body.  When bodies were being handed out, I got the lemon, and unlike a car I don't think there is a lemon law anywhere for bodies.

In fact, I was so mad about it that I sat in my bed and cried about it for a good hour this morning.  I actually lost less weight this week, than last week when I was not doing Weight Watchers and was mindlessly eating Halloween candy.  My mind says then maybe I should just go back to eating candy.  Yeah, I know, that's just stupid.

This is like living through my worst fear... I that I will NOT be able to lose weight again. 

I'm really not sure what to do from here.  I know I can't give up, but I seriously cannot put in the effort and willpower that losing weight takes without getting a payoff for doing it.

I am confused, and angry, and scared.  I don't like how I look and how I feel.  This stinks!
Please excuse me while I put a pan of brownies in the oven...

This morning literally at the crack of dawn, I weighed myself and logged on to Weight Watchers online to join.  Finally a plan put into action.  I felt strongly about "starting" on a Thursday since that is my meeting day, and will be my weigh in day once I go back to meetings.

This morning the scale said 215 pounds... ugh!  I need to lose 40 pounds to get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight of 175 pounds.  I am not happy with myself, but it is done, and I am ready to move on with this next part of my life, and finally fit in my pants again!

I get a lot of points as I'm still breastfeeding part time, so really this should be easy, but I'll be honest - tonight especially I have found myself kind of hungry, but actually scared to eat even though I have points left.  Please don't give me a lecture about this... it is just how I feel.  I know finding foods I feel comfortable with will get easier as I get back into the swing of things.  Right now, I'm so unsure of the points value of so many foods that its hard.  I lost almost all of my weight on the original Points Plan, so getting used to Points Plus values is new to me.  I also have to say that I don't trust Points Plus yet, because I haven't had proved weight loss on it, only maintenance.  Once I see a few losses, I know I'll learn to trust it more, and things will be easier.

So... Day 1 is in the books.  I am proud of myself.

A few weeks ago a sweet lady from one of the Weight Watchers meeting I have attended in the past wrote me an email.  She knew I was a bit down on myself, because I lost this weight in order to get pregnant, and now I feel like it didn't even matter - I'm still stuck in the nightmare pregnancy - regardless of the 115 pounds that were shed from my body.  Some days I feel like my body is such a failure, and it really hurts. 

She suggested I make a list of 100 positive things that have come out of losing weight, so that I could see that there are tons of other things other than this pregnancy to focus on.  I'm having a horribly hard time getting to 100... so without further delay I've decided to share the list of my first 50.

Have you lost weight?  Then this would be a great idea for you too!  Make your list and comment with it here, or post it on your blog and share a link so I (and anyone else) can read it.

1. Set a positive example for my son
2. Don’t have to worry anymore about being the “fattest mom”
3. Don’t have to worry about my son being ashamed of me for my weight
4. If the 3 year old runs away from me, I can CATCH him!
5. A little one that adores a walk or playing outside more than watching TV... most times!
6. I’ll be around longer to love my family
7. I’m a cuter wife
8. I’ve been hit on WOO HOO!
9. Probably because my wedding ring is way too big
10. So is my watch
11. No more Lane Bryant!
12. Clothes are smaller, so take up less space in closet and suitcase
13. No longer worried about being the embarrassing mom
14. Obesity erased from my medical record
15. Don’t need the extra-large blood pressure cuff
16. Less joint pain
17. No plantar fasciitis
18. Less back pain
19. Low blood pressure
20. Lower blood sugars
21. I’m ovulating
22. Don’t need the extra large gowns at the Dr or hospital
23. Way less colds and flu
24. Weight actually matches driver’s license! OK… maybe not right now, but it did before I got pregnant.
25. I know what is to try hard at something and win
26. I know the amazing feeling to run across a finish line of a race (and have it mean something).
27. I have made some new amazing friends
28. Not scared of public transit
29. Not scared of fitting in airplane seats
30. Not scared of telling someone my weight
31. Spend less money eating out, because we eat healthier and at home now
32. Was featured in the Star Tribune!
33. Happier… most of the time.
34. Don’t feel like people are always staring at me and disgusted by me
35. Can share fun clothes with sisters and friends
36. Much much easier to walk in heels
37. Son has a lower chance of being overweight
38. Husband also lost weight
39, No more granny panties
40. A bungee jumping cord could hold me... if I was so inclined
41. Fresh fruits and veggies are amazing and make my skin clearer
42. I've been told many times I look way younger now.
43. No more looking at picture of myself and feeling disgusting!
44. People I don't even know look at me for inspiration... still strange to me.
45. I can go back to Weight Watchers after pregnancy for free for 12 weeks!
46. Walking up a flight of stairs doesn't leave me sweaty and winded.
47. I have learned to be more assertive to take care of me and my health.
48. Feel more comfortable in skirts and dresses
49. Don't have to buy bras mail-order
50. Losing weight has given me strategies, strength, and stamina to deal with other issues in life!

Now its your turn.

I originally wrote this part of this post on Thursday, March 3rd....

Today was bittersweet... you see, it was a day I have waited for since I began this journey to lose weight back in October of 2008.  Getting to this day has meant more to me than reaching 100 pounds, goal, or even lifetime.  And yet it is a day I have in many ways dreaded since I began my journey 2-1/2 years ago at the very same time. 

See... today I attended my last Weight Watchers meeting!  No, I certainly don't think "I'm done", or that I don't need Weight Watchers anymore.  But the fact is today I revealed to my CWWL and my whole gang that

Its Saturday night... and I'm exhausted!  Too many early mornings - 4 am, where I'm woken up by a 3 year old that begs me to "cover him up" because he's kicked off his covers.  Then... I can't go back to sleep.

At my weigh in on Thursday I was up 1 pound... oh well.  Mandatory weigh in for the month = done, and I'm free for the month of February because I am 7 pounds below my goal weight.  Yay for that!

Made it to the gym 4 times this past week - including 40 minutes on the treadmill today.  Wanted to make 5, but skipped yesterday to go out for Mexican for lunch... uh... yeah... guess what I'm real too!

I have a couple of giveaways in the works, but see the first comment about exhausted in getting them together.  I hope to pull them together in the next week or so.  You won't believe the free stuff people want to send you sometimes when you have a blog.  OK, maybe you will... but I was thinking I would actually get cool stuff... ha!  OK, sometimes I have gotten cool stuff, but this past week I was sent Green Giant veggies in a giant box with dry ice.  They probably didn't need the ice considering the weather... I like veggies... so I guess this is a good thing to get free veggies in the mail.

I made balsamic chicken with brown butter ravioli, and a warm spinach salad for dinner.  Major comfort food... majorly yummy.  I should have taken pictures to post, but I ate it instead.  Oops.  I promise to share the recipe soon, if you promise not to chastise me for not having pictures.

The Superbowl is tomorrow... do you find this a hard eating day... like Thanksgiving, or does it not matter to you?  How do you cope with it?  Me... we are are making mini-mushroom Swiss sliders out of lean beef, and having baked fries.  I did make lemon bars because I really wanted some, but they are only 4 PointsPlus each... I can handle that.

Hope you are having a lovely weekend.

Wednesday morning at 7:00 a.m. a stranger rang my doorbell.  She asked for my driver's license and gave me a cup and sent me to the bathroom.  I came back a few minutes later and handed her a cup of pee.  No, this was not some sort of sick horror movie...I was actually having a paramedical exam as a requirement for my life insurance company.

A funny thing happened after I handed her my pee, she looked at me and said, "You need to get a new license."  Initially I thought, "No, my license doesn't expire until my birthday this year.", but then she added, "because there is no way this is your weight"  I looked at my license...and laughed a nervous little laugh.  Let me just say that the picture on my license should be burned.  Apparently when I was much fatter, I did not feel the need to smile.  I give you exhibit A:

Apparently I am NOT happy

The weight on my license was listed as 275 pounds - I was never a very good liar, so it was accurate at the time.  My weight as I stepped on her scale on Wednesday morning was 168.  Yeah, I guess I do need to get a new license, and I probably need to start smiling more too.

In addition to the weight, pee, and blood, she took my resting heart rate, which was 64.  An average resting heart rate for me, prior to starting running back in April 2010, was in the 80s.  Think about that.  My heart is working a good 20% less most minutes of the day than it was even one year ago!  If that doesn't demonstrate to you the importance of exercise, I'm not sure what will.  My blood pressure was 110/58 on my left side twice and even lower on my right side... she just shook her head and kind of laughed.  Hopefully I will be laughing all the way to the bank when I see my new life insurance rate.

Sometimes it is so nice to have another measure of success besides the number on the scale! 

Speaking of the number on the scale...it WAS down yesterday.  I was down a pound on Thursday at my weigh in.  I officially have 13 more pounds to lose, but I am nearly 7 pounds under my goal weight right now, so I am feeling good about that, AND I feel less scared about the PointsPlus plan, now that I have a loss under my belt. 

I've been having some insomnia lately, due to my 3 year old not sleeping well, and so my visits to the gym have suffered, but I am determined to get back on track this weekend.  If I'm going to for my 10k at the end of April (oh I didn't officially announce that, did I?  I guess I need to get right on that), I need to start training by the last week of January, so its time to gear up! 

No excuses, no looking back, no living in fear!

I did not officially weigh in yesterday... so I have no weigh in to report, which is a good thing considering I'm up 2 pounds.  The last month I've made an upward trend of about 5 pounds... and while I'm still 5 pounds under my goal weight its time to button down and start losing some weight again.

Not only did I not weigh in, but I missed my Weight Watchers meeting!  I hate it when that happens.  I honestly need it.  Now don't think that I was skipping because of the gain... uh...I would never do that!  I had a hot date with the dryer repairman, only to find out that excess lint was my problem... glad I paid $98 for that!  Despite missing my meeting though, I was happy that Thursday rolled around and allowed me to "reset".  I love fresh starts, and I feel good about this week already!

I'll be honest, its the first real week that I'm going to be working the PointsPlus plan since we switched to the week after Thanksgiving  There was all sorts of Christmas and New Years, and then the trip to Portland and the wedding last week, and while I was trying to make smart choices 80% of the time, I'll be honest I wasn't tracking every single day - I wasn't being religious about the plan.  I've done my complaining about it, and now its time to see if I can actually lose weight on this plan... right now I'm 15 pounds away from my ultimate goal of 155.  I'm ready to get there and stay there.  You know what?  It feels good to be on track again... I forgot how much I actually sometimes like doing this (sick, I know right?).

Tomorrow morning courtesy of Jen @ PriorFatGirl I'll be attending the One Breath One Step get together in Minneapolis.  Its my first time ever doing something like this, and I will be honest I have major butterflies in my stomach tonight... I'm not sure if I'm nervous, excited or a little of both.  I do know that I can't wait to tell you guys all about what I did and learned.  I have my notebook and my camera, and I'm going to put on the least scared face I own, as I walk in the door tomorrow.

Have a great weekend!

It’s commonly said that it takes 30 days of doing something consistently to create a habit. I always found that interesting, since I actually think that is underestimating what it takes to create a habit.

I started my weight loss journey in October 2008. I lost my first fifty pounds without so much as lifting a finger for exercise. It helped me to concentrate on one thing at a time – one thing I knew I could change – my food. In April of 2009, I knew that to truly change myself I would need to find a way not only to make myself thinner, but also to make myself fitter – so I joined Curves.

Curves was perfect for me - low-impact, minimal time commitment, and fun to do.  I committed to going 3-4 days a week.  For probably the next 6 months, if I made it 2 days a week, that was good. 

Fast forward to this past spring - 2010.  Weight Watchers issued a challenge to walk a 5k.  Walking is GREAT exercise, but I knew that it would not be a challenge for me.  So... I committed to running a 5k, and picked my race - The CDI Back in Shape 5k - June 12, 2010. 

7 weeks away from the race, and after much hemming and hawing, I decided it was time to start training.  I followed the Weight Watchers run a 5k plan (email me for more information if you want information on this plan).  Initially I couldn't run 1 minute, but at the end of 6 weeks I ran a 5k in 32 minutes and 15 seconds!  Now I was going to Curves 3 days a week and running 3-4 days a week.  After the race, I just kept on running, I rarely missed a day.  I eventually left Curves and joined a gym where I could run inside, and rarely now miss a day.  It isn't even a option for me to "skip" anymore. 

That's my long-winded way of saying it took me nearly a year of "practice" to finally make exercise a habit - an integral part of my life.  Back in my earlier Curves days, I remember waking up at 5:20 am to head into Curves, only to roll over and turn my alarm off.  I can honestly say, with the exception of being sick, I haven't done that in months. 

The past 2 weeks have been TOUGH!  I have felt unmotivated to exercise.  I could give you EVERY excuse in the book: 
stomach flu
a cold/sore throat
a sick kid
a sick husband
the holidays are coming
holiday parties
Thanksgiving
Christmas shopping to do
stress at work
3 snow storms, etc. etc.
but I've powered through. 

The turning point of realizing that FINALLY exercise is a habit for me was this morning: 
The temperature = 11 below,
The time = 5:15 am
Outside =dark and snowy
Me = groaning and moaning, saying I don't want to ALL the way to the gym, even while on the treadmill the whole 30 minutes. 
The result, not even once did I consider not going despite all my grumbling! 

So don't give yourself the choice to quit - whatever you are facing.  Keep getting up in the morning and doing it over and over and over again.  When you don't want to, do it anyways.  For me, it took way longer than 30 days to make that habit, but the time spent was well worth it!

It was only a few short months ago that I sat in my doctor's office as he erased obesity from my medical record.  While, having obesity erased was certainly one of the most powerful moments I've had on this weight loss journey, I have to say that realizing, as I logged my weight on Thursday, that I was no longer overweight is up in the top ten as well.

Thursday, I weighed in and lost 3 pounds.  2 really big losses in a row... thanks stomach flu!  I'm pretty sure this was NOT the new program that Weight Watchers had in mind.  And while I'm thankful for the losses, I know they are anomalies, and things will go "back to normal" now that my stomach finally feels like accepting food into it again.  It will also give me some time to really try and embrace the new PointsPlus program.  Since I haven't been eating normal, I haven't had much time to practice the new plan.

With the loss, I celebrated 116.6 total pounds lost at my meeting.  Later after logging my weight into eTools, and seeing my current BMI, I realized that I was no longer obese, I was no longer overweight.  I, for the first time that I can ever remember (yes, I was a fat kid too) have a NORMAL BMI!  Normal?  me?  Normal in terms of weight... amazing! 

I wish I could tell you that I feel normal too, but I don't. 

I am still playing the mind games, that those who have ever lost a lot of weight can all too quickly identify with.  I look at myself, and I don't see myself as normal.  I see myself as fat. 

I try on clothes that are too big.  I look down at my legs, and feel "ugh" escape silently through my lips.  When I sit in a public place, I still brace myself for being squished, even though I quickly realize that the size 8 fits, and my legs... they are strong, they can carry my body - there is nothing "ugh" about them.  I don't take up as much space in a chair/airplane seat/movie theatre, that I used to.  There is hard evidence ALL around me, and yet I can only see myself as overweight on a good day, and still obese on a bad one.  I can go in my closet, and put on the size 8 pants and the medium shirt, and feel like a size 24 and a 2x.  And then there is an occasional moment of brilliance... where I see my reflection in glass, or in the mirror at the gym, and know that I am not who I once was.  My mind actually for a split second recognizes the new me.

It's hard and I'm getting better at it.  But I still have a LONG ways to go! 
I only hope that the erasure of fat from my mind can someday catch up with the reality of the erasure of fat from my body.