Defining Myself

May 03, 2012

Today was a good day.  I was down 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers.  I'm only .7 of a pound from leaving the 200s (again) forever.  As you might know, I have been so discouraged about my weight loss over the past month - actually over the past couple of months.  I have been on Weight Watchers for over 5 months, and total I am only down 18 pounds.  That feels like failure to me, even though I know it is far from it.


I also have to confess to something else.  I stopped running this week.  It was not doing my weight loss journey any favors, and while I know it is a healthy thing, right now my focus is honestly on pounds... getting off these post baby pounds, getting into a normal BMI zone again.

Right now that journey does not include running.  What it does include is exercise, and right now I've chosen to buy the 5 DVD Cardio/Strength set that Weight Watchers sells and aim to do that 4 days a week.  I did it on Sunday and I was sore until today.  It is 35+ minutes of lunges, squats, and more lunges.  That lady is seriously lunge crazy!  I did it again tonight.  I may not be walking tomorrow.  I may have to go back to using the handicapped access stall in the bathroom at work, but apparently it is really effective!

This is a different journey from the first time around.
This journey is harder.  I know I've said it before, but it is.  And... I really don't know why, because I have WAY less weight to lose this time.  Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking, maybe it is because I'm the now the mother of 2 instead of 1, or maybe its because I have a little baby girl that takes a little (who I am kidding) a lot of extra work.

It's horrible to see the scale barely move or go up when you've been doing what you are supposed to be doing - exercising and eating right.  It is hard to stay motivated and to keep going.  It is hard to look at the number and not care so much.  And I care SO much!  I found I was dreading Thursdays because it was the day I stepped on that beast of a scale and it displayed my self worth.  It was if the numbers were mocking me... shouting out

FAILURE
YOU SUCK
WORTHLESS

In addition to hating the scale, I begin to hate myself on Thursdays.

It's horrible... it really is, and I'm sure you are reading this and thinking I'm messed up.  And you know what?  I probably am, I have my baggage.  You know what else?  You are probably a little messed up too.  How many times have you talked to yourself this way?  Thought bad thoughts about yourself.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm positive of that.

Today was easier... yes, it was easier because the scale was kind to me this week, but not only that I had resolved myself at least to not care.  No, I wasn't going to be happy about it if I was up, or even stayed the same, but I promised myself I would not let it wreck my day.  That is a starting point for me.  It's far from where I need to be, but this journey is about progress not perfection, and not hating myself on Thursdays - on one Thursday is a start. 

The scale... it's a simply a number.  It's one measure of progress.  It is not THE measure of progress.  I am trying to learn this.  I am worth more than that number on the scale.  I am:

A GOOD MOM AND WIFE
AN EXCELLENT COOK
INTELLIGENT
INSIGHTFUL
DETERMINED

And none of those have anything at all to do with the number on the scale!
Love yourself where your at.  200.6 ... its where I'm at.  It doesn't make me any less than I was at 175 or 165. 

You Might Also Like

4 comments

  1. Oh I
    Love this post this is where I am at now...been trying to get on the downward slide again and I am stuck...I try not to get upset but it happens and I need to start to be ok with who I am right now. Thanks for saying what has been in my head

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is a good point.... The running just wasn't working. I just read about this, and need to remember for myself, that we need to change up our exercise routines at least every 2-3 weeks because our bodies become acclamation so quickly to what we are doing. Perhaps the running "worked" for so long last time because you had been SO out of shape for so long prior.

    As long as you are getting in cardio and strength training in some way, shape, or form, you are doing great things for your body.

    If you want to go back to running, perhaps you need faster intervals. E.g., a '7' effort ("this is really hard" for several minutes, followed by a 2-minute recovery. Repeat. And repeat...

    A physiology friend told me the weight "machines" (e.g., Curves) aren't good, though. Skip them.

    Go Sarah!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, I really feel for you. How awful to be working so hard and not losing any weight. I still have not lost my baby weight-- my baby is 2 years old next week and I just now am getting started. My son has a growth problem and my dad was sick and now he passed away, the stress and sleep deprivation sure does keep the weight on and make it hard to do anything for oneself. But I wonder, as a former runner, if you might benefit from seeing a nutritionist? Sometimes too few calories and a poor mix of calorie types can be counter productive. Well I know how hard it is to get another thing... but I thought of your struggle and wonder if you might get some ideas. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. There is no magic tool that will give you good shape once and for all. Each recommendation, diet, or workout has to be implemented regularly. Still, there are things which might help on your way. The number of tips I have learned at http://bit.ly/Qh9G8S helped me enhance my strength and intensify workouts without overeating. I am enjoying quicker results and the inprovements of my shape.

    ReplyDelete

I LOVE hearing your thoughts and feedback. Please leave me a comment

Instagram