Today was a good day.  I was down 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers.  I'm only .7 of a pound from leaving the 200s (again) forever.  As you might know, I have been so discouraged about my weight loss over the past month - actually over the past couple of months.  I have been on Weight Watchers for over 5 months, and total I am only down 18 pounds.  That feels like failure to me, even though I know it is far from it.


I also have to confess to something else.  I stopped running this week.  It was not doing my weight loss journey any favors, and while I know it is a healthy thing, right now my focus is honestly on pounds... getting off these post baby pounds, getting into a normal BMI zone again.

Right now that journey does not include running.  What it does include is exercise, and right now I've chosen to buy the 5 DVD Cardio/Strength set that Weight Watchers sells and aim to do that 4 days a week.  I did it on Sunday and I was sore until today.  It is 35+ minutes of lunges, squats, and more lunges.  That lady is seriously lunge crazy!  I did it again tonight.  I may not be walking tomorrow.  I may have to go back to using the handicapped access stall in the bathroom at work, but apparently it is really effective!

This is a different journey from the first time around.
This journey is harder.  I know I've said it before, but it is.  And... I really don't know why, because I have WAY less weight to lose this time.  Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking, maybe it is because I'm the now the mother of 2 instead of 1, or maybe its because I have a little baby girl that takes a little (who I am kidding) a lot of extra work.

It's horrible to see the scale barely move or go up when you've been doing what you are supposed to be doing - exercising and eating right.  It is hard to stay motivated and to keep going.  It is hard to look at the number and not care so much.  And I care SO much!  I found I was dreading Thursdays because it was the day I stepped on that beast of a scale and it displayed my self worth.  It was if the numbers were mocking me... shouting out

FAILURE
YOU SUCK
WORTHLESS

In addition to hating the scale, I begin to hate myself on Thursdays.

It's horrible... it really is, and I'm sure you are reading this and thinking I'm messed up.  And you know what?  I probably am, I have my baggage.  You know what else?  You are probably a little messed up too.  How many times have you talked to yourself this way?  Thought bad thoughts about yourself.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm positive of that.

Today was easier... yes, it was easier because the scale was kind to me this week, but not only that I had resolved myself at least to not care.  No, I wasn't going to be happy about it if I was up, or even stayed the same, but I promised myself I would not let it wreck my day.  That is a starting point for me.  It's far from where I need to be, but this journey is about progress not perfection, and not hating myself on Thursdays - on one Thursday is a start. 

The scale... it's a simply a number.  It's one measure of progress.  It is not THE measure of progress.  I am trying to learn this.  I am worth more than that number on the scale.  I am:

A GOOD MOM AND WIFE
AN EXCELLENT COOK
INTELLIGENT
INSIGHTFUL
DETERMINED

And none of those have anything at all to do with the number on the scale!
Love yourself where your at.  200.6 ... its where I'm at.  It doesn't make me any less than I was at 175 or 165. 

You know what really terrifies me when running?
Dogs and Cars.

Yep... call me neurotic or strange, but I'm terrified of both.

On the "normal route" I've been running there are lots of dogs.  Big dogs, little dogs, barking dogs, short dogs, fat dogs, yippy dogs, wiener dogs.  Full discloure:  I'm really not a "dog person", but despite that fact there is nothing scarier to me than a dog that barks and runs after me while I run by.  And who actually lets their dog run after people running on a road?  Well... apparently about 70% of my neighbors!  Then there's the house that I seriously won't even run by now, even though their dogs are behind a fence.  This fence is just a chain link fence... and not a strong one at that, and both of the dogs have muzzles, and growl and bark, and generally go ballistic as I run by.  I could have sworn that as I ran by on Tuesday I actually saw one foam at the mouth! 

I noticed I have now developed this habit of looking behind me every 15-20 seconds or so, freaked a bit that someone or something or somedog is following me.  Yep, I'm neurotic.

And then, there's cars - fast cars, beat up cars, loud booming stereo cars, sports cars, minivan cars, luxury cars, cars driven by teenagers, cars driven by people texting behind the wheel, cars driven by teenagers texting behind the wheel (shudder).  Cars scare me more than dogs.  People drive really fast... and don't pay attention.

Between watching out for cars and checking behind me every 15-20 seconds on the off chance that a dog is following me, just waiting to pounce and bite the back of my leg.  I am a neurotic, running mess! 

And running... it was supposed to relieve my anxiety from the cares of my everyday stress - I mean not that there is really any stress here (sick kids, bills to pay, deductibles to pay, ear tube surgery pending for Lily, missing work, a daughter that won't gain weight, a body that won't lose weight, commitments every weekend, messy houses, a trip to NC, an unmown lawn, a broken light switch in the bathroom as my makeup is half on... yeah really there is no stress around here at all).

My sanity... questionable.
My determination and my drive... 100% intact!

I am on week 5 of the run a 5k plan, and I am fully committed and doing it.  I missed a few days while I was in North Carolina last week, but I am back strong again.  Tuesday night I ran 2- 14 minute stints.  Tomorrow it will be 2- 15 minute ones.  And on Saturday I will run my first 5k since before I got pregnant with Lily (Sept 2010). 

Last week I considered skipping it, but some friends convinced me that I should do it - that even if I had to walk, it would be fun.  They were right, of course, and yes I'll probably have to stop and walk a couple of times, but I know I can make it.  Initially I didn't like the fact that I would probably have to walk a few times - I am a perfectionist - but I always say progress not perfection, and from no exercise to running a 5k in 5 weeks... that my friends is progress that I am dang proud of! 

My ideal goal?  To finish in under 40 minutes.  What I'll take?  To finish at all with a smile on my face, proud of myself for running again, proud of my body for hanging in there, and proud of my mind for making it happen.

I got this... and on Saturday morning at Lake Como... I shouldn't even have to battle cars or dogs - SCORE!

I'm pretty sure when I get out of bed this morning, I'm going to hate myself for running (I'm writing this on Tuesday night).  I can already feel the stiffness setting in.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be walking funny at work tomorrow too.

But... I did it.  I did Day 1 of the 5k plan, and I survived.

Let me walk you through it.
I strap on my Polar hear rate monitor .  I lace up my shoes.  The first 2 shirts I try on are way too small, at least I have stretchy pants that fit.  I eventually find a shirt that fits too.  I fire up the iPod and my Nike+ and find that miraculously all gadgets are in working order after a year of just sitting idle!  I'm thrilled... I know this is meant to be.

I head outside.  It is March 13th in Minnesota and it is pure sunshine and in the high 60s.  It is nothing but perfection for a run!  I start off walking.  I hear the Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling".  I smile, I breathe in the perfect air, the perfect smell.  I tell myself I am probably looking like an idiot with that giant grin plastered across my face, then I tell myself I don't care.

I make it through my warm up and its go time.  Time to run for the first time in a year.  I brace myself for the horribleness of it, and before I can think too much I look and my 1 minute of running is over.  I walk a minute, I run another minute.  I think to myself I only have to do this 8 more times.  I wonder if I will live through it.

I turn another corner, and I think about all the times I've run down this street before.  I think about how things were so different then.  I slow to another walk.  "Don't Stop Believin'" comes on, and its time for me to run again.  I think about how every time I would hear that song on runs I would envision myself so super healthy, and pregnant, and having my dream come true with a perfect baby at the end.  I think about how I got every single thing I wanted... I got healthy, I got pregnant, and I got a perfect little girl at the end.  I gloss over the imperfect way of how we got there... that wasn't what I envisioned and today I don't actually care.

Today I am free, today I can run, and feel the air fill my lungs... but suddenly I feel a cramp in my side.  That doesn't feel too good.  I slow and walk again.  Just as it's time to run again, I look in front of me and I'm at a hill... of course, I would hit a running stretch at a hill... ugh!  I can't do this.  One.  Foot.  In.  Front.  Of.  The.  Other.  I think about how always hitting the hill exactly when I have to run is a metaphor for my life.

I see a scary dog with a muzzle.  I wonder why people actually have scary dogs as pets.

I see a place that was cleared of the old, scrubby, trees that used to be there late last summer, before Lily was born, when we used to take short family walks.  I think about how so much has changed since those walks.  I feel like cleared away dead trees is a good sign-the ground is already prepped for new life!

I round the last corner towards my house and realize that I only have to run for 1 more minute.  I break into a run and run like I mean it.  I hurt, but I will my legs to keep on moving.  I'm done.  I walk around for 5 minutes getting my heart rate back down, and I head into my driveway. 

I walk in my house.  I look at my husband and tell him that at least I'm not dead.  But secretly in my head I enjoyed the whole tortuous 30 minutes.  I remember what its like and even though I was slow, I remind myself that I'm still faster than the person that is still sitting on their couch.

Tomorrow, when I get out of bed and feel my jelly legs, I reserve the right to change my mind.

Run 1... Done!  And many, many more to go.

About a month ago, after complaining to my husband for only the second time the millionth time that I had not been losing weight very quickly, he mentioned that I wasn't exercising.  I of course told him he was right cried and screamed and asked him who he thought I was, super mom?

It wasn't long after that conversation that I promised myself - and sort of declared it to him at the same time - that when daylight saving time came around that I would use the extra daylight in the early evening to run again. 

Unfortunately, it was brought to my attention mid last week that daylight saving time starts that Sunday.  "Seriously that can't be right,"  I actually muttered aloud to myself with a grumpy face.  I somehow had convinced myself when I made the promise to that daylight saving time was actually much farther in the future than it actually was.  And so, last week I started psyching myself up for it.  I started anticipating the pain I knew I would feel the first week, and I started researching races.

I, of course, didn't count on getting knocked down with the stomach flu this past weekend.  It made me want to wimp out, but I'm not going to, even if means I have to start even slower than the plan.  Even if means tomorrow my 1 minutes of running are walking.

So...I come to you today declaring my intention for lacing my running shoes back up for the first time in almost exactly a year.  I can do this.  I will do this. 

I want to feel free again, I want some time just for me, and I want the stress relief that figuratively and literally running away from my house at the start of a run gives.  I have some pretty hefty things going on right now, and the stress of dealing with Lily's day to day doctor appointments and issues is sort of swallowing me up right now.  This is my way to fight back, to combat that, and at the same time make myself healthier and get myself back into my skinner pre pregnancy clothes once again.

I'll be following the same plan I did before to be able to run a 5k in 6 weeks.  And then, I'm planning to run the Charities Challenge Challenge Obesity 5k on April 21st!  So... will you join me in this plan?  Follow this plan and get back to running or start for the first time.  I promise that you'll NEVER regret running, but you will always regret NOT running.  And if you're local... will you run with me on April 21st? 

Maybe I am certifiably insane. Then I guess so be it, but I need to prove something... to myself, and to the universe.  And I need to stand by the promise I made to myself.  I love my children and I am completely blessed, but I need to get myself back.  Every step that I will run will be not only for myself, but will also be for them because I want to be the healthiest, fittest mom around.  The mom that can take on anything.

Yes... I do this for me, but I do this for them.  Because, well frankly, they're worth it and so am I.

Tomorrow... Day 1!

I got this book for Christmas


In the beginning, the author, Pam Anderson (and no, not the Baywatch babe) talks about her weight struggles, and how she decided she could never do another diet again.  How she couldn’t do Atkins or South Beach because she didn’t want to have to cut out a whole category of foods.  She didn’t want a life without pasta and wine.  I love the reasoning here.  I too, don’t do well on these types of diets.  I can’t live without half and half in my coffee, and bread with real butter very long.  And if you've been around for a year with me, you know I love my wine too (Can you still believe its 4 points plus per glass?)  It isn’t sustainable for me.  That’s why I have always loved Weight Watchers… you can eat anything, just not everything!

Another item that really stuck out at me was her philosophy behind exercising.  She talks about how she didn’t have time for an hour or even a half hour workout, so she didn’t exercise.  But then she decided that she could make time for smaller bursts of an activity, and that would count too!  She made the decision to do a small walk before every meal, and just that movement made a huge change in her life, and her weight.


I’d commit to walk 10 minutes, but it would be in the dark right now, so I don’t think that is an option.  But I can:

Run up and down the stairs for 5 minutes
Do some crunches
Pretend Lily is a barbell and bench press her
Put on some music and dance crazy for 5 minutes.  My son will love this one!

It’s like my own circuit training routine.  So… for the next month I pledge to take 10 minutes for me to “exercise”.  It is something, it is probably all I can really do right now, and while it’s a far cry from the 3-4 mile runs of my past, it is moving forward, and it will do something to move me towards my next goals.

This morning at my house it was 10 below zero, and the wind chill was in the 20s below zero. Some of the outlying schools were delayed due to the freezing temperatures. My mind read that as “the gym is cancelled” and I rolled over and went back to sleep at 5 this morning.


I HATE EXCUSES!

I really do hate excuses… it bugs me to no end when people around me start using them. I want to scream “own up!” “Put your big girl panties on and just get over it!” Apparently I needed to do some yelling at myself this morning.

It’s too cold.
I don’t want to heat up my car.
It’s too far to walk between the car and the gym door.
I’ll get too cold on that LOONG walk.
No one else will be there anyways.
I can go at lunch.
I can go tomorrow.
One day won’t matter.
You need the extra sleep anyways.

I HATE EXCUSES!

But this morning… I was full of all of them, and guess what? Yep, the excuses won. I did not go to the gym, and even worse I had McDonald’s for breakfast and I didn’t go to the gym at lunch (like I promised myself) either.

It doesn’t happen often, but I’m still not proud of it.

So what happens next? I let it go. I forgive myself. I move on, and I make new plans for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I can recover from this… I can do this. So can you!

This past week in my Weight Watchers meeting we talked about movement. Yes, that kind of movement, as in move your butt, or Move More Eat Less. If you’ve been around the weight loss block you know it is an essential part of losing weight, and even beyond that, an essential part of just being healthy!

I’m going to tell you a secret. When I first started my weight loss journey, I didn’t think movement was an essential component of the journey. Serious. So serious in fact that I didn’t do any extra movement as I lost my first 50 pounds. While this thinking might have been flawed, I actually believe that being able to focus on one thing – my food – for those 50 pounds, helped ensure my future success. Doing too much too soon can be overwhelming. I focused on what I felt I could control most at that moment… and exercise was not it at the time.

Then nearly 2 years ago, after losing those 50 pounds… I found myself confronted everywhere by the message that in order to keep getting healthy and remain so I would need to MOVE my body. I needed to do something… anything. I started to walk in the late afternoons, but quickly I got bored and gave up. I figured out quickly that my barrier to moving more was time. With a little one, and a full-time job outside of the home, I didn’t have the time to exercise, and if I did I had major mom-guilt about leaving my son to… gasp… do something good for myself. Moms… you know this is true… how many of you just shouted out an “Amen sista”?

It was then that I discovered Curves – 30 minutes of circuit training 3-5 days a week, was the commitment. I could do that, and I did. I went religiously, and watched my weight and inches continue downward. It was the perfect fit.

Last spring, I felt compelled to do more. I loved the Curves circuit, but I wanted more cardio. So I decided to run a 5k, and did my first on June 12th with some of my Weight Watchers buddies. Since then I’ve been running 3-4 days a week, and loving it...

So… back to last week’s Weight Watchers meeting. The challenge we were left with was do something new to move your body. I thought about it for a day or so… I already run, I already do weights, I already do the elliptical, I’m not so keen on the bike… and don’t even mention Group Fitness Class to my ears. So… what’s a girl to do? I mean, I have this exercise thing figured out, this challenge is obviously really not for me. Then it dawned on me… so simple and in front of me the whole time… WALK! Now, I had already been doing some interval work at the gym the past week, so I had been walking a little, but I mean a long, fast, walk.

So on Saturday I headed out to the treadmill nearest me, and walked at 3.9 mph for 50 minutes. What did I learn? WALK is a four letter word… that’s what. Holy moly, I was sore. I’m talking I had have shin splints sore, I didn’t want to sit on my behind sore. Per my heart rate monitor, I still got a great cardio workout – although more in the fat burning zone vs. the fitness zone, and I apparently used some muscles that running doesn’t tap into. WOW!

What’s my point in this long-winded, hope you’re still reading this, story?
First of all walking is an amazing exercise, go do it:
-- It’s free.
-- It's easy access.
-- You don’t need any fancy equipment… just a good pair of athletic shoes.
-- Anyone can do it; even if you have to start with only 1 minute… you can do still it!
-- It’s a powerful workout – you’ll be making your heart and muscles stronger, with every step.

But my most important point - You have to mix it up sometimes. This goes with exercise, but also anything in life. I tricked myself into thinking that running was the only workout for me. I was wrong! There are lots of workouts that I can use to keep me interested, motivated, and keep my muscles well balanced.

Take it from the girl that is walking funny from the shin splints… walking is NOT for wimps!

I have SO much rambling around in my head, but I can't seem to organize any of it for a coherent post.  So maybe I'll just try a list:

- I lost .4 at my weigh in today.  Believe it or not I am OK with that.  I'm still 8 pounds below my goal weight.  I just have a lot going on right now.

- Speaking of a lot going on right now... I just switched my PointsPlus tracker to maintenance for awhile, as I really feel this is what I need to do right now.  There are some other things I'm going to focus on, rather than the number on the scale.  I'm OK with that.  WOW... that felt weird to say, but it is true.  I'm OK.

- I'm OK... yikes, the pure fact that I have to repeat that so many times in the past 5 sentences, must mean I am really not OK.  Yeah... I really am... I just have to stop myself hyperventilating sometimes. 

-- Speaking of hyperventilating, today I had to get some blood work done, and I just about had a freaking panic attack in the bathroom at the clinic.  You know what caused it?  The smell of the soap (Liz it still happens to me too 3-1/2 years later).  Its the raw, nose-tingling antiseptic soap smell from when "L" was in the NICU.  I thought I had that reaction under control, but apparently not.  It takes me to a bad place.  I managed to calm myself down with some positive thoughts and a prayer.  It helped, and now I'm OK.

- If you blog, do you ever think about how it is so weird to have your life splashed all out there on the Internet?  Today I got a hit on my blog from someone searching images - obese lady.  WOW... awesome.  I wonder what site my before picture will end up on now?  Oh well... I'm OK with it because I put my story out here to help people, inspire people, and let you know that you can do it, and yes, I too, still struggle every single day.

- I've been doing some interval work at the gym, and at the risk of offending a bunch of people, I have to say that walking on the treadmill makes me feel like a wimp - no offense to walkers, seriously.  This is just about me.  After running for so long, it just seems... well... strange.  And you know what?  I'm OK with that.

There you have it... RAW, REAL, and REALLY vague.  It's just how I am today, and I'm OK with that.  I really am.

It’s commonly said that it takes 30 days of doing something consistently to create a habit. I always found that interesting, since I actually think that is underestimating what it takes to create a habit.

I started my weight loss journey in October 2008. I lost my first fifty pounds without so much as lifting a finger for exercise. It helped me to concentrate on one thing at a time – one thing I knew I could change – my food. In April of 2009, I knew that to truly change myself I would need to find a way not only to make myself thinner, but also to make myself fitter – so I joined Curves.

Curves was perfect for me - low-impact, minimal time commitment, and fun to do.  I committed to going 3-4 days a week.  For probably the next 6 months, if I made it 2 days a week, that was good. 

Fast forward to this past spring - 2010.  Weight Watchers issued a challenge to walk a 5k.  Walking is GREAT exercise, but I knew that it would not be a challenge for me.  So... I committed to running a 5k, and picked my race - The CDI Back in Shape 5k - June 12, 2010. 

7 weeks away from the race, and after much hemming and hawing, I decided it was time to start training.  I followed the Weight Watchers run a 5k plan (email me for more information if you want information on this plan).  Initially I couldn't run 1 minute, but at the end of 6 weeks I ran a 5k in 32 minutes and 15 seconds!  Now I was going to Curves 3 days a week and running 3-4 days a week.  After the race, I just kept on running, I rarely missed a day.  I eventually left Curves and joined a gym where I could run inside, and rarely now miss a day.  It isn't even a option for me to "skip" anymore. 

That's my long-winded way of saying it took me nearly a year of "practice" to finally make exercise a habit - an integral part of my life.  Back in my earlier Curves days, I remember waking up at 5:20 am to head into Curves, only to roll over and turn my alarm off.  I can honestly say, with the exception of being sick, I haven't done that in months. 

The past 2 weeks have been TOUGH!  I have felt unmotivated to exercise.  I could give you EVERY excuse in the book: 
stomach flu
a cold/sore throat
a sick kid
a sick husband
the holidays are coming
holiday parties
Thanksgiving
Christmas shopping to do
stress at work
3 snow storms, etc. etc.
but I've powered through. 

The turning point of realizing that FINALLY exercise is a habit for me was this morning: 
The temperature = 11 below,
The time = 5:15 am
Outside =dark and snowy
Me = groaning and moaning, saying I don't want to ALL the way to the gym, even while on the treadmill the whole 30 minutes. 
The result, not even once did I consider not going despite all my grumbling! 

So don't give yourself the choice to quit - whatever you are facing.  Keep getting up in the morning and doing it over and over and over again.  When you don't want to, do it anyways.  For me, it took way longer than 30 days to make that habit, but the time spent was well worth it!

My husband's foot prints in the snow

Marshmallow woman in what was once her backyard!

End of my driveway Dec 12, 2010 18 inches!

Yeah... not the diaper kind, although I wish my son would get to that point soon!

The kind where you pull your own body weight up using your own brute force...I did 4 of them at the gym today.  Yep, you read that right.  Please make sure to send your fan mail to awesome@awesome.com!

Ok, so I lie a tiny bit.  No, I don't lie, I just didn't tell you the whole truth.  There is actually a pull up machine (who knew?) that can "help" you.  The higher you set the weight, the more help you get.  So yes, I did 4 pull ups assisted by a machine, but mark my words... I will see that weight go down, and eventually I'll be doing it myself.  This you'll want to stick around for.  Trust me.