Time flies when you are having fun busy as all get out!

Today was a good day.  I was down 2.2 pounds at Weight Watchers.  I'm only .7 of a pound from leaving the 200s (again) forever.  As you might know, I have been so discouraged about my weight loss over the past month - actually over the past couple of months.  I have been on Weight Watchers for over 5 months, and total I am only down 18 pounds.  That feels like failure to me, even though I know it is far from it.


I also have to confess to something else.  I stopped running this week.  It was not doing my weight loss journey any favors, and while I know it is a healthy thing, right now my focus is honestly on pounds... getting off these post baby pounds, getting into a normal BMI zone again.

Right now that journey does not include running.  What it does include is exercise, and right now I've chosen to buy the 5 DVD Cardio/Strength set that Weight Watchers sells and aim to do that 4 days a week.  I did it on Sunday and I was sore until today.  It is 35+ minutes of lunges, squats, and more lunges.  That lady is seriously lunge crazy!  I did it again tonight.  I may not be walking tomorrow.  I may have to go back to using the handicapped access stall in the bathroom at work, but apparently it is really effective!

This is a different journey from the first time around.
This journey is harder.  I know I've said it before, but it is.  And... I really don't know why, because I have WAY less weight to lose this time.  Maybe it is the lack of sleep talking, maybe it is because I'm the now the mother of 2 instead of 1, or maybe its because I have a little baby girl that takes a little (who I am kidding) a lot of extra work.

It's horrible to see the scale barely move or go up when you've been doing what you are supposed to be doing - exercising and eating right.  It is hard to stay motivated and to keep going.  It is hard to look at the number and not care so much.  And I care SO much!  I found I was dreading Thursdays because it was the day I stepped on that beast of a scale and it displayed my self worth.  It was if the numbers were mocking me... shouting out

FAILURE
YOU SUCK
WORTHLESS

In addition to hating the scale, I begin to hate myself on Thursdays.

It's horrible... it really is, and I'm sure you are reading this and thinking I'm messed up.  And you know what?  I probably am, I have my baggage.  You know what else?  You are probably a little messed up too.  How many times have you talked to yourself this way?  Thought bad thoughts about yourself.  I know I'm not the only one.  I'm positive of that.

Today was easier... yes, it was easier because the scale was kind to me this week, but not only that I had resolved myself at least to not care.  No, I wasn't going to be happy about it if I was up, or even stayed the same, but I promised myself I would not let it wreck my day.  That is a starting point for me.  It's far from where I need to be, but this journey is about progress not perfection, and not hating myself on Thursdays - on one Thursday is a start. 

The scale... it's a simply a number.  It's one measure of progress.  It is not THE measure of progress.  I am trying to learn this.  I am worth more than that number on the scale.  I am:

A GOOD MOM AND WIFE
AN EXCELLENT COOK
INTELLIGENT
INSIGHTFUL
DETERMINED

And none of those have anything at all to do with the number on the scale!
Love yourself where your at.  200.6 ... its where I'm at.  It doesn't make me any less than I was at 175 or 165. 

This past Saturday morning I was up bright and early.  I got myself ready… got my children ready and ate an English Muffin with peanut butter for fuel.  We drove – all 4 of us – to Lake Como in St. Paul.  I picked up my number and my shirt.  I have to say the shirt color… not a huge fan of – I’ll call it “baby poop” for lack of a better description. 

I was about to run in my first 5k since the fall of 2010.  I was about to celebrate my weight loss accomplishments with a bunch of other runners and walkers. 

It was the Challenge Obesity 5k put on by Charities  Challenge.


I pinned my number on and went back to wait in my car.  It was probably around 40 degrees and pretty chilly out to stand around for another 20 minutes.  I suddenly realized I should have probably worn gloves.  Oh well… too late for that now.  I knew once I started moving I’d quickly warm up.

I found Mariah and Samien who I knew were also participating. 

My biggest mistake was that I did not line myself up appropriately.  I went to the back of the group.  I sort of forgot there were runners and walkers, and also I misjudged my own abilities when it comes to running.  I’m not fast, but apparently I’m faster than I think.  I spent the first 5 minutes trying to get into a pace, and find my spot, as the course was so jumbled with people that were clogging up the small path and going much slower than I wanted to go.  It was definitely frustrating, and I’m pretty sure I could have finished about 2 minutes faster if I got a better start, but my goal on this race was never speed… it was participation and finishing.  I also got my iPod on the wrong playlist, and had some issues trying to switch it over and keep running, but I finally got that solved as well. 


A 5k is 2 laps around Lake Como.  The first lap around the lake was easy.  I had my slow start and just as I was getting into a rhythm I was already around once.  It was the second lap where I started to feel it.  On my last training run before Saturday, I was only up to running 14 minute intervals with 2 minute walks in between.  So by the time I was around the lake once, I had run further than I had in over a year!  I remember a few minutes into my second lap around look back and seeing the pavilion barely behind me… I was disappointed that I wasn’t covering ground quickly enough, and I didn’t think it would be possible for me to not stop and walk soon.


I listened to Dara Maclean’s Free.  It is like my theme song right now.  I hit the back button on the iPod and listened to it again.

It has these words, which I find so incredibly poignant not only to running this race, but my entire journey, my weight loss, my pregancy, my miracle baby, and the day to day struggles we continue to live in the midst of:
"My strength alone will never be enough
But Your arms keep lifting me up

You tell me I've been made free
You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams
You whisper words that free my soul
You're the reason I have hope
You're everything I need and more
You made me
You made me free

I was caged in, then You opened
Every door that held me bound and You gave me the key
No more pressure I can just breathe
The girl I tried so hard to be, has always been me"

I rounded the last bend to the finish line, and several other runners around me started congratulating me and I them. 

I saw my family, and the finish line.

I crossed it! - HECK yeah I'm happy... check out that smile!

Goal #2 accomplished!

I did it!

I walked over to my family.   “L” gave me a huge hug and looked right at me and asked, “Mama?  You winned?” 
I looked at him and with the biggest smile I said, “Yep, I winned!” 
He beamed even brighter, “You did?  You really did?” 
“Yep honey, I really did.” 
He ran over to his daddy yelling, “I can’t believe it, mama winned!” 
I love that boy!

Teaching him to cheer on other runners

Overall I finished in 46^th place and 7^th in my age group of out 20 people.
And best of all... I winned!  In so many ways.

You know what really terrifies me when running?
Dogs and Cars.

Yep... call me neurotic or strange, but I'm terrified of both.

On the "normal route" I've been running there are lots of dogs.  Big dogs, little dogs, barking dogs, short dogs, fat dogs, yippy dogs, wiener dogs.  Full discloure:  I'm really not a "dog person", but despite that fact there is nothing scarier to me than a dog that barks and runs after me while I run by.  And who actually lets their dog run after people running on a road?  Well... apparently about 70% of my neighbors!  Then there's the house that I seriously won't even run by now, even though their dogs are behind a fence.  This fence is just a chain link fence... and not a strong one at that, and both of the dogs have muzzles, and growl and bark, and generally go ballistic as I run by.  I could have sworn that as I ran by on Tuesday I actually saw one foam at the mouth! 

I noticed I have now developed this habit of looking behind me every 15-20 seconds or so, freaked a bit that someone or something or somedog is following me.  Yep, I'm neurotic.

And then, there's cars - fast cars, beat up cars, loud booming stereo cars, sports cars, minivan cars, luxury cars, cars driven by teenagers, cars driven by people texting behind the wheel, cars driven by teenagers texting behind the wheel (shudder).  Cars scare me more than dogs.  People drive really fast... and don't pay attention.

Between watching out for cars and checking behind me every 15-20 seconds on the off chance that a dog is following me, just waiting to pounce and bite the back of my leg.  I am a neurotic, running mess! 

And running... it was supposed to relieve my anxiety from the cares of my everyday stress - I mean not that there is really any stress here (sick kids, bills to pay, deductibles to pay, ear tube surgery pending for Lily, missing work, a daughter that won't gain weight, a body that won't lose weight, commitments every weekend, messy houses, a trip to NC, an unmown lawn, a broken light switch in the bathroom as my makeup is half on... yeah really there is no stress around here at all).

My sanity... questionable.
My determination and my drive... 100% intact!

I am on week 5 of the run a 5k plan, and I am fully committed and doing it.  I missed a few days while I was in North Carolina last week, but I am back strong again.  Tuesday night I ran 2- 14 minute stints.  Tomorrow it will be 2- 15 minute ones.  And on Saturday I will run my first 5k since before I got pregnant with Lily (Sept 2010). 

Last week I considered skipping it, but some friends convinced me that I should do it - that even if I had to walk, it would be fun.  They were right, of course, and yes I'll probably have to stop and walk a couple of times, but I know I can make it.  Initially I didn't like the fact that I would probably have to walk a few times - I am a perfectionist - but I always say progress not perfection, and from no exercise to running a 5k in 5 weeks... that my friends is progress that I am dang proud of! 

My ideal goal?  To finish in under 40 minutes.  What I'll take?  To finish at all with a smile on my face, proud of myself for running again, proud of my body for hanging in there, and proud of my mind for making it happen.

I got this... and on Saturday morning at Lake Como... I shouldn't even have to battle cars or dogs - SCORE!

I made it through my first week.  I ran.  I conquered.

Whenever I start something new, there is always this small (annoying) voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me, "You can't do this." or "Who do you think you are?  You aren't a runner." or maybe "Ha ha, you'll collapse if you even try to run 2 feet."  Those voices are quiet now, because I can do this, I am Sarah and I've lost 115 lbs before and run 2 5ks, so I am a runner, and screw you I've run an hour before without collapsing, I can and I did run 1-2 minutes at a time without collapsing this week so shut it!

Run 1 was on Tuesday - of course I chronicled it here.  It was alternating 1 minute of running with 1 minute of walking, 10 times.  I survived and at the end I knew I would be feeling it the next day.

Run 2 was on Thursday, it was the same length and type as Tuesdays.  It was easier to get out the door, but the first 15 minutes were pure hell.  I was still hurting from running Tuesday.  It was strange though, once I got about 15 minutes in I felt like the chains had been lifted from my legs, and my heart rate actually slowed down. 

Run 3 was on Saturday.  This is where my running time doubed to 2 minutes at a time, alternated with 3 minutes of walking times 4.  Going from running 1 minute to 2 is a big stretch.  It was hard.  I ran in the afternoon, and it was nearly 80 degrees - which is crazy for MN in March!  Luckily, though, there was an amazing wind that helped to cool me down.  I was sweaty, but celebrated afterwards if a St. Patrick's Day drink.

Run 4 was Sunday, 5 pm.  Same type as Sunday only 3 times.  I felt strong.  I was no longer sore from earlier in the week, and I even stretched my last interval to 2-1/2 minutes.  My body is begging to go longer, run a little more, but I know that I'll be grateful I am starting slow.

Its strange... I can't believe how quickly my body is remembering what to do.  When I started running nearly 2 years ago now, I was about 10 pounds lighter than I am right now, and I had been exercising at Curves for nearly a year, so I was in better shape.  But, this time the running is coming easier.  I don't know why, but I like it!

And I posted this on facebook yesterday, "Running burns more calories than walking but walking burns more calories than sitting on the couch! Whatever you do is better than nothing!"

And I believe it.  If you choose to run, aweseome!  But if you choose to walk, or do anything exercise, then equally as awesome! 

How was your week and what did you do to exercise?

I'm pretty sure when I get out of bed this morning, I'm going to hate myself for running (I'm writing this on Tuesday night).  I can already feel the stiffness setting in.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be walking funny at work tomorrow too.

But... I did it.  I did Day 1 of the 5k plan, and I survived.

Let me walk you through it.
I strap on my Polar hear rate monitor .  I lace up my shoes.  The first 2 shirts I try on are way too small, at least I have stretchy pants that fit.  I eventually find a shirt that fits too.  I fire up the iPod and my Nike+ and find that miraculously all gadgets are in working order after a year of just sitting idle!  I'm thrilled... I know this is meant to be.

I head outside.  It is March 13th in Minnesota and it is pure sunshine and in the high 60s.  It is nothing but perfection for a run!  I start off walking.  I hear the Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling".  I smile, I breathe in the perfect air, the perfect smell.  I tell myself I am probably looking like an idiot with that giant grin plastered across my face, then I tell myself I don't care.

I make it through my warm up and its go time.  Time to run for the first time in a year.  I brace myself for the horribleness of it, and before I can think too much I look and my 1 minute of running is over.  I walk a minute, I run another minute.  I think to myself I only have to do this 8 more times.  I wonder if I will live through it.

I turn another corner, and I think about all the times I've run down this street before.  I think about how things were so different then.  I slow to another walk.  "Don't Stop Believin'" comes on, and its time for me to run again.  I think about how every time I would hear that song on runs I would envision myself so super healthy, and pregnant, and having my dream come true with a perfect baby at the end.  I think about how I got every single thing I wanted... I got healthy, I got pregnant, and I got a perfect little girl at the end.  I gloss over the imperfect way of how we got there... that wasn't what I envisioned and today I don't actually care.

Today I am free, today I can run, and feel the air fill my lungs... but suddenly I feel a cramp in my side.  That doesn't feel too good.  I slow and walk again.  Just as it's time to run again, I look in front of me and I'm at a hill... of course, I would hit a running stretch at a hill... ugh!  I can't do this.  One.  Foot.  In.  Front.  Of.  The.  Other.  I think about how always hitting the hill exactly when I have to run is a metaphor for my life.

I see a scary dog with a muzzle.  I wonder why people actually have scary dogs as pets.

I see a place that was cleared of the old, scrubby, trees that used to be there late last summer, before Lily was born, when we used to take short family walks.  I think about how so much has changed since those walks.  I feel like cleared away dead trees is a good sign-the ground is already prepped for new life!

I round the last corner towards my house and realize that I only have to run for 1 more minute.  I break into a run and run like I mean it.  I hurt, but I will my legs to keep on moving.  I'm done.  I walk around for 5 minutes getting my heart rate back down, and I head into my driveway. 

I walk in my house.  I look at my husband and tell him that at least I'm not dead.  But secretly in my head I enjoyed the whole tortuous 30 minutes.  I remember what its like and even though I was slow, I remind myself that I'm still faster than the person that is still sitting on their couch.

Tomorrow, when I get out of bed and feel my jelly legs, I reserve the right to change my mind.

Run 1... Done!  And many, many more to go.