Lifetime Reflections

October 17, 2010

This past week was both one of the best and one of the worst weeks of my life. 
Let's recap:
1) Appointment where my doctor erased obesity from my medical record - SCORE!
2) 3 year old has sedated brain MRI
3) Hit Lifetime goal at Weight Watchers
4) Waiting, waiting, and waiting some more for MRI results
5) Was the receipt of an absolutely gorgeous, prize winning quilt made my my uber talented brother in law Brian
6) The absolutely wonderful news that my little boy is 100% A-OK!

So... I've needed a few days to recover.  You can see why, I'm sure.  And now I think I can finally write THE POST.  The one where I tell you all about what it is like after 2 years of being on this journey to finally be a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. 

So... what I have to tell you might shock you.  It is exactly like being on the non-lifetime losing side of Weight Watchers, except I don't have to pay as long as I stay at/below my goal weight.  For now I want to lose about another 12 pounds, but even after that is gone, and I'm truly on maintenance I plan on still counting my points, weighing in near weekly whenever possible, and exercising 5-6 days a week.  This is my life now, and I would not trade it for anything!

But let's back up.  Two years ago from yesterday - the 16th of October 2008 - I walked into my first Weight Watchers meeting.  It's still the one I go to - still the same leader.  I signed up and walked up to the scale and weighed.  It was my first time meeting CCWL.  I know neither of us knew that this was the beginning of the end... of maybe the end of the beginning - I guess it depends on how you are looking at it.  I stepped on the scale that day and I weighed 281.4 pounds.  Yep... I have now disclosed my true before weight.  I've always disclosed how much I lost, but never how much I weighed.  I figure if knowing can help even one person stay the course, then any embarrassment I feel at that number is ten times worth it.  And, since my weight no longer defines me, I am telling myself I am OK with it all.  Anyways... I digress.

That day I felt hope, but I also felt completely overwhelmed at the task that was now in front of me.  My doctor had asked me to get to at least 175 pounds as a goal weight.  I needed to lose 106.4 pounds to reach 175 pounds.  It seemed like an insurmountable task.  But never once did I think "I can't do this."  Never once did I consider giving up.  I took 5 pounds at a times, and  I did that 21 times.  21 gold stars can now be counted on my bookmark.  21, 5 pound losses. 

Thursday as I sat in my meeting and listened as my CCWL read an excerpt from my Erasure post, I honestly felt that it could not be happening to me.  As she read my own words about the quiet moment with my doctor, how there was no confetti (cue confetti being now tossed all over me) and no trumpets (cue the whistle from another lifetime member who lost 100+ pounds from the back row), I realized that I am NOT the same person that started this journey 2 years ago.  I am completely different.  I am not the same inside and I am not the same outside.  People will question this... I know it... but until you have lost 100+ pounds you cannot begin to understand how it changes you, how it changes your reaction to the world/people around you.  The same things are no longer important to me.  I carry myself completely differently.  I smile at strangers, I dare to do things I never would have before, I enjoy dressing up and looking good, I enjoy a good run, and the feel of sweat down my back.  I am NOT the same.  I am forever changed.  I am a Lifetime Weight Watchers member.

On that day in October 2 years ago I decided that I alone would be responsible for my success or failure.  This was my game to play.  I could either play it with all my heart, or not.  I am not ashamed today to say that I am proud of myself - proud of what I have done for myself.  But I realized on Thursday (and honestly probably before Thursday) that there is another person in this game that is responsible for my success as well - My Crazy Weight Watchers Leader!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for what you saw in me all along, and made me see in myself - that NO journey is too hard or impossible when you believe that you are worth it!  That I was capable of doing this, that I was capable of even running a 5k.  I sat in that room on Thursday making lifetime because of you!    You've profoundly helped me changed my life.  You've enabled the success of so many before me, and will for so many after me.  I want to be like you when I grow up.  I mean it.  So cheers to you!

Of course, like I said before, this journey is far from over.  My life has just begun... and now I'm going to actually live it, instead of stand by and watch it happen!

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