Getting my Mojo Back

October 02, 2010

There has always been something really strange about my self-esteem.  You see, when I was really FAT, I actually had better self-esteem than I do now.  I was more confident.  Sure I knew I was fat, but I was able to command a room and feel respected. 

Now 106 pounds later... I don't feel like that anymore.  How did I lose that sense of confidence as I lost weight?  Somehow along the way I started losing myself, losing who I was along with the weight.  Being fat had always defined me.  I was perfectly OK with being fat until the night he saved my life... and then something started to break.  That brokenness started a downward spiral of my self-esteem.

I have been trying to figure out this self-image problem:

  • How can I get that confidence back? 
  • How can I feel good about myself again? 
  • Now that I'm barely fat anymore I feel fatter than I did 106 pounds ago.  How can I get rid of that feeling? 
And then... last Friday happened.  It was just an ordinary day - consisting of work, some shopping on my lunch hour, and a couple of drinks after work with a friend.  But for the first time in my life... The first time EVER that I can remember I think my self esteem actually matched how I looked... who I am.  See for yourself (ignore the monkey arms in the first picture):

Yeah, I'm smiling and I feel like a million bucks, and damn I think I look good too!
The secret?  Its amazing what a great pair of jeans that actually fit can do for the psyche!  Not only that but I must have had a record number of people tell me how amazing I looked.  That can sure pump a person up!  Thank you, thank you, thank you... I really needed that pump up.

Now, it doesn't mean just because I actually felt good about myself on that day that it will always be like that.  I have had "fat days" since then already, but it is a step in the right direction.

P.S. - My Weigh on Thursday was up 1.4 pounds ... yuck!  Not sure what that is about.  Trying to ignore it and still flaunt the new jeans anyways.

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  1. You are just amazing. I can't get over your before and after photos.. you should have confidence! My goal is -104.. so far -44 and it still seems impossible!! You are inspiring. =)

  2. ...absolutely right! You DO look amazing and happy. So sorry you're going through self-esteem issues right now. I know exactly what you mean when you say at times you feel heavier now than you did X number of pounds ago. I am so used to my current body weight that it's easy to forget how many pounds I carried for so long. Maybe you need to revisit some old photos and then look at the above ones every now and then, just to put things into perspective. Be very proud of yourself - your readers are. :)

  3. Thank you for sharing that! You are amazing and I love reading about your journey!


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