October 03, 2010

I sit here tonight and I feel terrified....
Terrified of what you ask?
Well... let's see:
Gaining this week... which in addition to my gain last Thursday, would likely put me more than 2 pounds over goal, making me the first person EVER to fail the "maintenance" portion of the Weight Watchers program, and not allowing me to make Lifetime.

That is why I am terrified tonight.  I am terrified of failure... of gaining all my weight back.  I'm terrified that the number on the scale is up after an activity filled, completely on plan weekend.  What is up with that?  I am terrified that I'm a slave to the scale.

And if that's not enough for you I have other good stuff:

  • My son still has his front soft spot on his head at the age of 3.  None of the doctor's in my ped's practice have seen this before, the neurologists at Children's Hospital have never seen this before, and they want him to have an MRI to check for intracranial pressure - don't google it... nothing good comes up.
  • I'm terrified of the cost of the above MRI.  As much as I would love to have a picture of my sweet baby boy's brain hanging on my wall for Christmas I'd much prefer (insert anything else here).
  • Did I mention I'm terrified of getting fat/fatter again?  Well it still applies.
  • I'm terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant and have another child.  That my child will grow up with a sibling.
  • I'm terrified that if I do get pregnant I'll have a preemie again, I'll have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or even worse I'll die.
  • I'm terrified that I'll be a burden on my child in my old age.
  • I'm terrified that my son will get fat someday.
  • I'm terrified that losing all this weight won't have done anything for my PCOS .
  • I'm terrified I'm not good enough, that people won't like me, that I suck at group fitness, of being alone anywhere in public, that I will have no one to talk to to and no one will like me if I go to this alone:  One, Breath, One Step.  I'm terrified of starting conversations with strangers.
  • I'm terrified that my hormones are out of whack, and that I'll never be normal.  I'm terrified that PCOS will once again remind me that my body is its home.
  • I'm terrified that even though I want to have another child I won't be able to afford one.
I guess you could say I have issues.  I am having a REALLY hard time right now with all of the thoughts I've listed above.  I'm having a hard time not taking the entire peanut butter jar and the whole bag of chocolate chips and "solving" the problems above with them.  I'm having a hard time not drinking a whole heck of a lot of wine.  Sometimes, I am actually amazed at my ability to stop emotional eating really quickly these days, but that leaves a whole lot of worrying left to do.

On Saturday my head was full of all of this stuff (still is to be honest), and you know what I did... I ran.  I pounded out 3.5 miles on the treadmill mindlessly staring out the windows at the gym.  Allowing myself to be lost in my thoughts.  I would have gone farther too, but an old injury in my foot was aching.  I tried to envision happy endings to all the worries above as I was running...
  • me holding a healthy full term baby
  • "L"''s negative MRI results
  • Myself making Lifetime
  • Myself in 2 years looking thin and watching my children play together
  • Myself taking a group fitness class, etc. etc. 
It definitely gave me some relief... although short-lived.

If you think I'm crazy now...you're probably right.  But I think I'm real and you can probably relate - because face it we all have issues.  Something tells me the next few months are going to be quite a ride.  I'm holding on for dear life, and I'm keeping my running shoes really close to the door.

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  1. Darn! I typed a long post and it got eaten! Anyway what I wanted to say is dont feel like you have to throw in the towel if you ever have a bit of failure. In other words dont go for the whole jar of PB but cut yourself some slack if you snack too much or dont lose weight this week. It is taken forever since my son was born 3 months ago. 1 pound in 2 months :( But I am determined to hang on and rather than go the other way and gain more, to take it day by day and do what I can each day. Good luck, Tiffany

  2. Oh my gosh, Sarah, I can relate with what you're saying. Sometimes the worries feel like too much and the only answer is food. This quote is great, "Sometimes, I am actually amazed at my ability to stop emotional eating really quickly these days, but that leaves a whole lot of worrying left to do." Without the preoccupation of eating away the worry and then loathing ourselves about the eating, it sure leaves a lot of room in the brain for other thoughts. I feel for you. I hope you're able to get some peace soon. I hope your son is fine and that the MRI shows nothing concerning. As for the other things, time will hopefully change your thoughts and you'll feel less terrified as it goes by. You have done so awesome and when all else fails RUN. It's an awesome stress reliever.

  3. You're not crazy, you're totally human and real. I hope that you can work through all these emotions. Now instead of turning to food, you have to deal with them right in your face. Be real with yourself and let yourself feel all these things instead of running from them. It's tough, but it's where you are right now. I'm cheering for you!

  4. Hi Sarah - I just want you to know that I am praying for you and am so darn proud of you. You rock girlfriend and are my inspiration! Prayers going up right now for "L". Love you!

  5. You're real. You're human. These are normal fears.

    I just want to address one -- the fear that you won't make it to lifetime and will be the first person ever to fail at maintenance. Please...did you just read that? The first person to fail at maintenance? Not likely. If I remember right, WW gives you six weeks at maintenance before awarding you lifetime status. So what if it takes you seven weeks or eight weeks! You have come a long way. Be proud of it!

    Hang in there on all that other stuff too! Hugs!

  6. What an honest, powerful post, Sarah. You are describing the kind of life that seems to hit all of us at one time or another - and out comes the old saying, 'when it rains, it pours'. When our world feels like it's spinning off its axis and we are left without any control, it can be so frightening. You are courageously typing up your fears and sharing them and it's a good sign because it means that you are allowing yourself to confront them. I used to have a habit of pushing the anxiety/fear way down deep with every comfort food I could find. You are already ahead of the game, hon. Inside you know you're not the same person you used to be. In time you'll start believing it again.

  7. Oh Sarah, everyone has fears & everyone has issues. Fear of success is a big one, isn't it? But you're a different person now, a stronger one!


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