Choices, Not ChanceDecember 15, 2011
I knew what I needed to do, but I didn't want to do it. I had thought about it for days with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had talked myself into and out of it so many times throughout the week it wasn't even funny. In fact, just this morning I probably talked myself in and out of it 10 times before noon.
But I knew I needed to do it, and so my body in some sort of automatic fashion at around 11:20 am today got out my chair at work, got its coat on, walked to my car, and drove a few miles down the road. When I parked in the parking lot I took a huge breath, pasted a half-ass smile across my face, and walked through the doors....
OF WEIGHT WATCHERS!
I don't know why I was nervous. Maybe its because of the 45 or so pounds that I've gained since March, maybe its because I thought that people would think I was a complete failure, that they would judge me harshly. Yes, it was those things, and maybe it was also because I think I won't be able to do this... that I will fail. I think its also because it seems foolish barely a week before Christmas to "start Weight Watchers". Despite those feelings, I also knew in my heart that if any one person there had had the year I had just endure, any one of them might be exactly in my spot. For a moment I was just happy to have survived this year.. this pregnancy.
This was the right time for me, despite the holidays approaching. Even if I just strive to maintain I will be better off. I want to fit in my clothes again. I want to feel light on my feet, and hold my head up high again. I want to run after my Ls squared and not be tired. I want to do a race with my son someday... soon! I want to love me again and not be ashamed. I want the world to know that I walked through a year of shit, gained some weight, and lost it. Because isn't that so true? Isn't that something that has happened to everyone at one time or another.
Yes, I tried to do it on line... the result is that I'm up about 4 pounds since starting it online. Obviously that wasn't working for me.
So.. I knew what I had to do, and despite all of those feelings. I went, and now I feel like a heavy weight (not literally, unfortunately) has been lifted off my shoulders.
Once I sat down and the meeting started I knew that I had absolutely made the right decision. I felt a sense of willpower and positivity come over me. As we started to talk about food and the holidays and how to deal, I knew that I was in the right place. As I thought about the party I will be attending tomorrow and the food and alcohol that would be there something magical was said... "you have to decide what you want more, to lose weight, or to eat the food." Its choices, not chance that will get me back to my goal weight.
I can do this, I want this, I am worth this.
Choices not chance, that is my new mantra.