Skinny Sarah.... I Miss You MadlyDecember 08, 2011
Tonight I did something I have needed to do for awhile, but I was in complete denial. I packed up all of the clothes (which is pretty much all my pants/skirts/dresses) that don't fit me right now, into containers, and put in the basement. I felt a couple of small tears fall down my face as I did it.
There was the beautiful navy Ann Taylor nautical jacket I coveted for 2 months last year, and when it went 50% off I bought it for myself in a size 10 last January. Fun little size 8 skirts, and the dress that I rocked at my nieces wedding last January. All packed away!
I know I sound shallow to be disappointed about such things, especially after having gone through this past year, and realizing that the important things in life are certainly not material! You'd think I would just be so thankful that I got to nourish my sweet, precious Lily in this body for over 37 weeks, when we were told at 19 weeks that would not be the case. Yes.. you'd think I wouldn't care. But I do.
I look back at blog posts, and see how proud I was of myself and running, meeting goals, hitting 100 pounds lost, rocking size 8 pants and medium shirts! Since I started Weight Watchers in October of 2008, I managed to lose 115 pounds and in the process finally find myself... discover that being fat no longer defined me. I oozed confidence for the first time in my life. I didn't shy away from things as much because I wasn't fat anymore. Now... I've managed to lose myself again. I feel like a blob has swallowed the Sarah that sat here last year at this time. I look in the mirror and just like I didn't recognize myself as I got thin, I now no longer recognized myself because I'm fat again.
It's stupid, and selfish, but I can't help but care that that person is gone right now. Just like the clothes, she has been boxed up and put down the basement. And while it feels good to remove that baggage in my closet and sort of move on and accept what my here and now is. It also makes me sad to lose the skinny Sarah.
I know I will find her again, but right now I just can't seem to muster up the willpower, determination, and time it takes to take care of myself, and take care of the two little people that need me.
In the meantime, Skinny Sarah... I miss you madly, and hope to see you again sometime in 2012. I will find you again, but right now I have a sweet baby girl that needs me to hold her first.