January 19, 2011

Over the last couple weeks I have had unexplainable anxiety that has at really random times been washing over me in waves.   I'll be doing something simple like cooking dinner or driving to work, and I'll start having these thoughts in my head - thoughts of self-doubt, thoughts of failure, and it will make me feel all clammy and just really terrible.

Tonight, I finally was able to pinpoint what it is.  FEAR!

Yep good old fear.  Now you might wonder, what could I be afraid of?  The boogie man, sure, he's scary, but he doesn't have anything on the fear of failure.  I am scared to fail.

I am scared that I won't be able to lose any more weight.  I am specifically scared that I won't be able to lose weight on the new PointsPlus plan.  And I will admit that I am downright terrified that I will gain all my weight back.  In fact, as I write that I can feel a lump in my throat and a tightness in my chest.  Fear.

I haven't really had a week since the new plan started where I've lost weight.  Now that has everything to do with my deliberate decision to "only maintain" during the holidays and over the weekend I went to Portland, and really nothing in the world to do with the new plan, but it has only contributed to my fear.  I am doubting myself, doubting my willpower, which has at most times along this journey been so iron clad. 

As I doubted myself tonight I found my fingers in cake... the cake that is on my counter because my family wanted to use this snowman mold pan and make it on Sunday.  Store bought boxed cake, with store-bought canned frosting.  It doesn't really even taste good.  And as I broke off a piece and licked the frosting off my finger, I said to myself, "what the hell are you doing?  This is going to help your fear one bit.  Its only going to make things worse when you don't lose weight at weigh in tomorrow.  Actions like tracking your food, and doing your workouts will be able to make you feel in control again.  So do that, don't eat this cake while you think your 3 year old is transfixed on Arthur on PBS and not watching.  Would you really want me to see this?  I don't think so." 

Yes, my conversations with myself are long, and sort of pep talk-like,  I think if I can lose weight (and I'm not sure if that is happening this week) I will be over the temporary fear of whether the PointsPlus program will work for me, but that doesn't resolve everything.  It only leaves the permanent fear of "will I gain this weight back".  That thought chills me to the bone.  I can't say whether it will go away as time brings me further and further away from living a life of being defined by being fat, or if it is something that will always remain.  And again, I know the same tools that got me here, will keep me here.  I know what this is about.  I know how to do this.  But there is that stupid nagging voice in the back of my head that says "you can't keep this up, you'll never keep the weight off, you aren't as good as you think this."

So here's where I ask for your help.  Whether you're my sister, my best friend, my CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newbies), or I barely know you I want you to hunt me down and shake me if I ever start to gain this weight back.  I'm serious.  I need you.  Knowing you will do that makes me less scared.  Deal?

For anyone out there that's lost a lot of weight... did you have fear like this?  Did it go away?  What did you do about it?

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  1. I've lost 128 pounds, have maintained for a year now. Most of the time I don't think about it, but occasionally those thoughts creep in. I just remind myself that the way I lost the weight was by making lifestyle changes that are sustainable. Knowing those healthy habits are still in place, and knowing that I can easily live this way keeps me from being too worried.

  2. Have you been to the blog Refuse to Regain? It might be helpful.

    I'm currently in my first week of the points plus program. I'm a little nervous but putting my trust in the program and hoping for a loss on the scale next week.

    Congrats on your success this far and thanks for being an inspiration!!!

  3. My friend, I have no doubt in my mind that you will work through these feelings and get on track with your plan. I also know that you will be successful with the new ww plan. You totally have everything it takes to achieve you goals. You've got this!!

    Keep focused!

  4. I face this fear several times a month. I find that when I am tired or not feeling well the fear is at it's highest point. I fear that it's all a dream and that I am going to wake up 161 pounds heavier. I fear that my clothes will no longer fit in the morning because I had a cupcake at a party.

    I am approaching maintenance and am fearful about HOW to maintain. Do I worry about gaining 2 pounds? 5 pounds? I'm not really sure.

    Fear? Yep, I'm afraid. That's part of the reason I started publically blogging~ I need to be accountable. I promise to hunt you down if you stop posting or start posting about all the weight you've been gaining. :)

  5. Aahhh...beautiful Sarah. So you are normal! Did you know that fear is one of the toughest emotions to feel? Give me anger, sadness, fury, anything but fear, for fear is private, frightening, vulnerable, and we perceive it as weak. YOU are not. My promise to you is that I will NEVER allow you to be alone in this journey. I will cheer with you, cry with you, pick you up when you are down and give you a good swift kick with my cute pointy toed shoes when you need it. We are both in this for the long haul and the true journey is beginning now. Hold on and lets have a great ride! CWWL

  6. I haven't lost much yet Sarah, but yes, i think we all face this fear. In fact, i believe i had been deliberatly sabotaging myself for a good number of weeks, because i was scared of losing a lot of weight before xmas, and then gaining it back. What i've done is actually stayed the same (lost and gained the same 5lbs since nov). It is very strange to admit to, but yes, i totally relate. Fear is a crazy crazy thing
    At lease we have recognised it and can work through it
    And i also promise to come hunt you down if you gain the weight back (which you won't!!)


  7. Sarah, I'm definitely here for you. I think it was because of that fear (and random other things) that I did gain 50 pounds back. So I'm here to tell you to kick that fear in the tush and realize what a strong woman you really are. Whether it's face to face or blog support that you need, you let me know!

    Misty aka Gym Girl

  8. As your sister, yes I will shake you . . . and a cake made last weekend from box mix and frosting had to taste pretty nasty LOL

  9. I haven't been to Refuse to Regain... that's for the tip I'll be checking that out!

    Thank you to everyone for your amazing comments! So much insight, and knowing I'm not alone makes a world of difference.


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