FearJanuary 19, 2011
Over the last couple weeks I have had unexplainable anxiety that has at really random times been washing over me in waves. I'll be doing something simple like cooking dinner or driving to work, and I'll start having these thoughts in my head - thoughts of self-doubt, thoughts of failure, and it will make me feel all clammy and just really terrible.
Tonight, I finally was able to pinpoint what it is. FEAR!
Yep good old fear. Now you might wonder, what could I be afraid of? The boogie man, sure, he's scary, but he doesn't have anything on the fear of failure. I am scared to fail.
I am scared that I won't be able to lose any more weight. I am specifically scared that I won't be able to lose weight on the new PointsPlus plan. And I will admit that I am downright terrified that I will gain all my weight back. In fact, as I write that I can feel a lump in my throat and a tightness in my chest. Fear.
I haven't really had a week since the new plan started where I've lost weight. Now that has everything to do with my deliberate decision to "only maintain" during the holidays and over the weekend I went to Portland, and really nothing in the world to do with the new plan, but it has only contributed to my fear. I am doubting myself, doubting my willpower, which has at most times along this journey been so iron clad.
As I doubted myself tonight I found my fingers in cake... the cake that is on my counter because my family wanted to use this snowman mold pan and make it on Sunday. Store bought boxed cake, with store-bought canned frosting. It doesn't really even taste good. And as I broke off a piece and licked the frosting off my finger, I said to myself, "what the hell are you doing? This is going to help your fear one bit. Its only going to make things worse when you don't lose weight at weigh in tomorrow. Actions like tracking your food, and doing your workouts will be able to make you feel in control again. So do that, don't eat this cake while you think your 3 year old is transfixed on Arthur on PBS and not watching. Would you really want me to see this? I don't think so."
Yes, my conversations with myself are long, and sort of pep talk-like, I think if I can lose weight (and I'm not sure if that is happening this week) I will be over the temporary fear of whether the PointsPlus program will work for me, but that doesn't resolve everything. It only leaves the permanent fear of "will I gain this weight back". That thought chills me to the bone. I can't say whether it will go away as time brings me further and further away from living a life of being defined by being fat, or if it is something that will always remain. And again, I know the same tools that got me here, will keep me here. I know what this is about. I know how to do this. But there is that stupid nagging voice in the back of my head that says "you can't keep this up, you'll never keep the weight off, you aren't as good as you think this."
So here's where I ask for your help. Whether you're my sister, my best friend, my CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader for my newbies), or I barely know you I want you to hunt me down and shake me if I ever start to gain this weight back. I'm serious. I need you. Knowing you will do that makes me less scared. Deal?
For anyone out there that's lost a lot of weight... did you have fear like this? Did it go away? What did you do about it?