Erasure - Part 2December 11, 2010
It was only a few short months ago that I sat in my doctor's office as he erased obesity from my medical record. While, having obesity erased was certainly one of the most powerful moments I've had on this weight loss journey, I have to say that realizing, as I logged my weight on Thursday, that I was no longer overweight is up in the top ten as well.
Thursday, I weighed in and lost 3 pounds. 2 really big losses in a row... thanks stomach flu! I'm pretty sure this was NOT the new program that Weight Watchers had in mind. And while I'm thankful for the losses, I know they are anomalies, and things will go "back to normal" now that my stomach finally feels like accepting food into it again. It will also give me some time to really try and embrace the new PointsPlus program. Since I haven't been eating normal, I haven't had much time to practice the new plan.
With the loss, I celebrated 116.6 total pounds lost at my meeting. Later after logging my weight into eTools, and seeing my current BMI, I realized that I was no longer obese, I was no longer overweight. I, for the first time that I can ever remember (yes, I was a fat kid too) have a NORMAL BMI! Normal? me? Normal in terms of weight... amazing!
I wish I could tell you that I feel normal too, but I don't.
I am still playing the mind games, that those who have ever lost a lot of weight can all too quickly identify with. I look at myself, and I don't see myself as normal. I see myself as fat.
I try on clothes that are too big. I look down at my legs, and feel "ugh" escape silently through my lips. When I sit in a public place, I still brace myself for being squished, even though I quickly realize that the size 8 fits, and my legs... they are strong, they can carry my body - there is nothing "ugh" about them. I don't take up as much space in a chair/airplane seat/movie theatre, that I used to. There is hard evidence ALL around me, and yet I can only see myself as overweight on a good day, and still obese on a bad one. I can go in my closet, and put on the size 8 pants and the medium shirt, and feel like a size 24 and a 2x. And then there is an occasional moment of brilliance... where I see my reflection in glass, or in the mirror at the gym, and know that I am not who I once was. My mind actually for a split second recognizes the new me.
It's hard and I'm getting better at it. But I still have a LONG ways to go!
I only hope that the erasure of fat from my mind can someday catch up with the reality of the erasure of fat from my body.