This past Saturday morning I was up bright and early.  I got myself ready… got my children ready and ate an English Muffin with peanut butter for fuel.  We drove – all 4 of us – to Lake Como in St. Paul.  I picked up my number and my shirt.  I have to say the shirt color… not a huge fan of – I’ll call it “baby poop” for lack of a better description. 

I was about to run in my first 5k since the fall of 2010.  I was about to celebrate my weight loss accomplishments with a bunch of other runners and walkers. 

It was the Challenge Obesity 5k put on by Charities  Challenge.


I pinned my number on and went back to wait in my car.  It was probably around 40 degrees and pretty chilly out to stand around for another 20 minutes.  I suddenly realized I should have probably worn gloves.  Oh well… too late for that now.  I knew once I started moving I’d quickly warm up.

I found Mariah and Samien who I knew were also participating. 

My biggest mistake was that I did not line myself up appropriately.  I went to the back of the group.  I sort of forgot there were runners and walkers, and also I misjudged my own abilities when it comes to running.  I’m not fast, but apparently I’m faster than I think.  I spent the first 5 minutes trying to get into a pace, and find my spot, as the course was so jumbled with people that were clogging up the small path and going much slower than I wanted to go.  It was definitely frustrating, and I’m pretty sure I could have finished about 2 minutes faster if I got a better start, but my goal on this race was never speed… it was participation and finishing.  I also got my iPod on the wrong playlist, and had some issues trying to switch it over and keep running, but I finally got that solved as well. 


A 5k is 2 laps around Lake Como.  The first lap around the lake was easy.  I had my slow start and just as I was getting into a rhythm I was already around once.  It was the second lap where I started to feel it.  On my last training run before Saturday, I was only up to running 14 minute intervals with 2 minute walks in between.  So by the time I was around the lake once, I had run further than I had in over a year!  I remember a few minutes into my second lap around look back and seeing the pavilion barely behind me… I was disappointed that I wasn’t covering ground quickly enough, and I didn’t think it would be possible for me to not stop and walk soon.


I listened to Dara Maclean’s Free.  It is like my theme song right now.  I hit the back button on the iPod and listened to it again.

It has these words, which I find so incredibly poignant not only to running this race, but my entire journey, my weight loss, my pregancy, my miracle baby, and the day to day struggles we continue to live in the midst of:
"My strength alone will never be enough
But Your arms keep lifting me up

You tell me I've been made free
You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams
You whisper words that free my soul
You're the reason I have hope
You're everything I need and more
You made me
You made me free

I was caged in, then You opened
Every door that held me bound and You gave me the key
No more pressure I can just breathe
The girl I tried so hard to be, has always been me"

I rounded the last bend to the finish line, and several other runners around me started congratulating me and I them. 

I saw my family, and the finish line.

I crossed it! - HECK yeah I'm happy... check out that smile!

Goal #2 accomplished!

I did it!

I walked over to my family.   “L” gave me a huge hug and looked right at me and asked, “Mama?  You winned?” 
I looked at him and with the biggest smile I said, “Yep, I winned!” 
He beamed even brighter, “You did?  You really did?” 
“Yep honey, I really did.” 
He ran over to his daddy yelling, “I can’t believe it, mama winned!” 
I love that boy!

Teaching him to cheer on other runners

Overall I finished in 46^th place and 7^th in my age group of out 20 people.
And best of all... I winned!  In so many ways.

You know what really terrifies me when running?
Dogs and Cars.

Yep... call me neurotic or strange, but I'm terrified of both.

On the "normal route" I've been running there are lots of dogs.  Big dogs, little dogs, barking dogs, short dogs, fat dogs, yippy dogs, wiener dogs.  Full discloure:  I'm really not a "dog person", but despite that fact there is nothing scarier to me than a dog that barks and runs after me while I run by.  And who actually lets their dog run after people running on a road?  Well... apparently about 70% of my neighbors!  Then there's the house that I seriously won't even run by now, even though their dogs are behind a fence.  This fence is just a chain link fence... and not a strong one at that, and both of the dogs have muzzles, and growl and bark, and generally go ballistic as I run by.  I could have sworn that as I ran by on Tuesday I actually saw one foam at the mouth! 

I noticed I have now developed this habit of looking behind me every 15-20 seconds or so, freaked a bit that someone or something or somedog is following me.  Yep, I'm neurotic.

And then, there's cars - fast cars, beat up cars, loud booming stereo cars, sports cars, minivan cars, luxury cars, cars driven by teenagers, cars driven by people texting behind the wheel, cars driven by teenagers texting behind the wheel (shudder).  Cars scare me more than dogs.  People drive really fast... and don't pay attention.

Between watching out for cars and checking behind me every 15-20 seconds on the off chance that a dog is following me, just waiting to pounce and bite the back of my leg.  I am a neurotic, running mess! 

And running... it was supposed to relieve my anxiety from the cares of my everyday stress - I mean not that there is really any stress here (sick kids, bills to pay, deductibles to pay, ear tube surgery pending for Lily, missing work, a daughter that won't gain weight, a body that won't lose weight, commitments every weekend, messy houses, a trip to NC, an unmown lawn, a broken light switch in the bathroom as my makeup is half on... yeah really there is no stress around here at all).

My sanity... questionable.
My determination and my drive... 100% intact!

I am on week 5 of the run a 5k plan, and I am fully committed and doing it.  I missed a few days while I was in North Carolina last week, but I am back strong again.  Tuesday night I ran 2- 14 minute stints.  Tomorrow it will be 2- 15 minute ones.  And on Saturday I will run my first 5k since before I got pregnant with Lily (Sept 2010). 

Last week I considered skipping it, but some friends convinced me that I should do it - that even if I had to walk, it would be fun.  They were right, of course, and yes I'll probably have to stop and walk a couple of times, but I know I can make it.  Initially I didn't like the fact that I would probably have to walk a few times - I am a perfectionist - but I always say progress not perfection, and from no exercise to running a 5k in 5 weeks... that my friends is progress that I am dang proud of! 

My ideal goal?  To finish in under 40 minutes.  What I'll take?  To finish at all with a smile on my face, proud of myself for running again, proud of my body for hanging in there, and proud of my mind for making it happen.

I got this... and on Saturday morning at Lake Como... I shouldn't even have to battle cars or dogs - SCORE!

I made it through my first week.  I ran.  I conquered.

Whenever I start something new, there is always this small (annoying) voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me, "You can't do this." or "Who do you think you are?  You aren't a runner." or maybe "Ha ha, you'll collapse if you even try to run 2 feet."  Those voices are quiet now, because I can do this, I am Sarah and I've lost 115 lbs before and run 2 5ks, so I am a runner, and screw you I've run an hour before without collapsing, I can and I did run 1-2 minutes at a time without collapsing this week so shut it!

Run 1 was on Tuesday - of course I chronicled it here.  It was alternating 1 minute of running with 1 minute of walking, 10 times.  I survived and at the end I knew I would be feeling it the next day.

Run 2 was on Thursday, it was the same length and type as Tuesdays.  It was easier to get out the door, but the first 15 minutes were pure hell.  I was still hurting from running Tuesday.  It was strange though, once I got about 15 minutes in I felt like the chains had been lifted from my legs, and my heart rate actually slowed down. 

Run 3 was on Saturday.  This is where my running time doubed to 2 minutes at a time, alternated with 3 minutes of walking times 4.  Going from running 1 minute to 2 is a big stretch.  It was hard.  I ran in the afternoon, and it was nearly 80 degrees - which is crazy for MN in March!  Luckily, though, there was an amazing wind that helped to cool me down.  I was sweaty, but celebrated afterwards if a St. Patrick's Day drink.

Run 4 was Sunday, 5 pm.  Same type as Sunday only 3 times.  I felt strong.  I was no longer sore from earlier in the week, and I even stretched my last interval to 2-1/2 minutes.  My body is begging to go longer, run a little more, but I know that I'll be grateful I am starting slow.

Its strange... I can't believe how quickly my body is remembering what to do.  When I started running nearly 2 years ago now, I was about 10 pounds lighter than I am right now, and I had been exercising at Curves for nearly a year, so I was in better shape.  But, this time the running is coming easier.  I don't know why, but I like it!

And I posted this on facebook yesterday, "Running burns more calories than walking but walking burns more calories than sitting on the couch! Whatever you do is better than nothing!"

And I believe it.  If you choose to run, aweseome!  But if you choose to walk, or do anything exercise, then equally as awesome! 

How was your week and what did you do to exercise?

I'm pretty sure when I get out of bed this morning, I'm going to hate myself for running (I'm writing this on Tuesday night).  I can already feel the stiffness setting in.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to be walking funny at work tomorrow too.

But... I did it.  I did Day 1 of the 5k plan, and I survived.

Let me walk you through it.
I strap on my Polar hear rate monitor .  I lace up my shoes.  The first 2 shirts I try on are way too small, at least I have stretchy pants that fit.  I eventually find a shirt that fits too.  I fire up the iPod and my Nike+ and find that miraculously all gadgets are in working order after a year of just sitting idle!  I'm thrilled... I know this is meant to be.

I head outside.  It is March 13th in Minnesota and it is pure sunshine and in the high 60s.  It is nothing but perfection for a run!  I start off walking.  I hear the Black Eyed Peas - "I Gotta Feeling".  I smile, I breathe in the perfect air, the perfect smell.  I tell myself I am probably looking like an idiot with that giant grin plastered across my face, then I tell myself I don't care.

I make it through my warm up and its go time.  Time to run for the first time in a year.  I brace myself for the horribleness of it, and before I can think too much I look and my 1 minute of running is over.  I walk a minute, I run another minute.  I think to myself I only have to do this 8 more times.  I wonder if I will live through it.

I turn another corner, and I think about all the times I've run down this street before.  I think about how things were so different then.  I slow to another walk.  "Don't Stop Believin'" comes on, and its time for me to run again.  I think about how every time I would hear that song on runs I would envision myself so super healthy, and pregnant, and having my dream come true with a perfect baby at the end.  I think about how I got every single thing I wanted... I got healthy, I got pregnant, and I got a perfect little girl at the end.  I gloss over the imperfect way of how we got there... that wasn't what I envisioned and today I don't actually care.

Today I am free, today I can run, and feel the air fill my lungs... but suddenly I feel a cramp in my side.  That doesn't feel too good.  I slow and walk again.  Just as it's time to run again, I look in front of me and I'm at a hill... of course, I would hit a running stretch at a hill... ugh!  I can't do this.  One.  Foot.  In.  Front.  Of.  The.  Other.  I think about how always hitting the hill exactly when I have to run is a metaphor for my life.

I see a scary dog with a muzzle.  I wonder why people actually have scary dogs as pets.

I see a place that was cleared of the old, scrubby, trees that used to be there late last summer, before Lily was born, when we used to take short family walks.  I think about how so much has changed since those walks.  I feel like cleared away dead trees is a good sign-the ground is already prepped for new life!

I round the last corner towards my house and realize that I only have to run for 1 more minute.  I break into a run and run like I mean it.  I hurt, but I will my legs to keep on moving.  I'm done.  I walk around for 5 minutes getting my heart rate back down, and I head into my driveway. 

I walk in my house.  I look at my husband and tell him that at least I'm not dead.  But secretly in my head I enjoyed the whole tortuous 30 minutes.  I remember what its like and even though I was slow, I remind myself that I'm still faster than the person that is still sitting on their couch.

Tomorrow, when I get out of bed and feel my jelly legs, I reserve the right to change my mind.

Run 1... Done!  And many, many more to go.

About a month ago, after complaining to my husband for only the second time the millionth time that I had not been losing weight very quickly, he mentioned that I wasn't exercising.  I of course told him he was right cried and screamed and asked him who he thought I was, super mom?

It wasn't long after that conversation that I promised myself - and sort of declared it to him at the same time - that when daylight saving time came around that I would use the extra daylight in the early evening to run again. 

Unfortunately, it was brought to my attention mid last week that daylight saving time starts that Sunday.  "Seriously that can't be right,"  I actually muttered aloud to myself with a grumpy face.  I somehow had convinced myself when I made the promise to that daylight saving time was actually much farther in the future than it actually was.  And so, last week I started psyching myself up for it.  I started anticipating the pain I knew I would feel the first week, and I started researching races.

I, of course, didn't count on getting knocked down with the stomach flu this past weekend.  It made me want to wimp out, but I'm not going to, even if means I have to start even slower than the plan.  Even if means tomorrow my 1 minutes of running are walking.

So...I come to you today declaring my intention for lacing my running shoes back up for the first time in almost exactly a year.  I can do this.  I will do this. 

I want to feel free again, I want some time just for me, and I want the stress relief that figuratively and literally running away from my house at the start of a run gives.  I have some pretty hefty things going on right now, and the stress of dealing with Lily's day to day doctor appointments and issues is sort of swallowing me up right now.  This is my way to fight back, to combat that, and at the same time make myself healthier and get myself back into my skinner pre pregnancy clothes once again.

I'll be following the same plan I did before to be able to run a 5k in 6 weeks.  And then, I'm planning to run the Charities Challenge Challenge Obesity 5k on April 21st!  So... will you join me in this plan?  Follow this plan and get back to running or start for the first time.  I promise that you'll NEVER regret running, but you will always regret NOT running.  And if you're local... will you run with me on April 21st? 

Maybe I am certifiably insane. Then I guess so be it, but I need to prove something... to myself, and to the universe.  And I need to stand by the promise I made to myself.  I love my children and I am completely blessed, but I need to get myself back.  Every step that I will run will be not only for myself, but will also be for them because I want to be the healthiest, fittest mom around.  The mom that can take on anything.

Yes... I do this for me, but I do this for them.  Because, well frankly, they're worth it and so am I.

Tomorrow... Day 1!

Happy New Year!  Yes, yes, I know its already 4 days in... I'm a little slow preoccupied these days yet, but I really, really wanted to get back here and set up my goals for 2012.  I am determined to make this the year that I reclaim myself.

You'll remember (or not if you are new... by the way, welcome) that last year I set out some specific goals, and then pregnancy happened, and that pregnancy turned into a sweet pumpkin named Lily, who just happened to be missing an "X" chromosome, and who threw us all for a loop.  So.. my year did not turn out at all like I imagined, and my goals pretty much went to the wayside.

Enter 2012.  The year that I am determined to reclaim the skinny me and my sanity.

Goal #1:  Reclaim the skinny Sarah.  Fit back into my pants.
So... its the typical New Year's resolution if you want to call it that.  The difference is for me this is a goal not a resolution.  In 9 months I gained 45ish pounds.  I had a 5 pound baby, and I lost 2 pounds.  HA!  Not kidding.  When I weighed in back at Weight watchers 2 weeks ago, I was up 43 pounds from my goal weight.  I have since lost around 3 pounds.  I am wearing 14s and 16s, when last year at this time I was a svelte 8.  I hate not fitting into my pants.  They were cute pants, they were nice pants.  I liked them.  So, 2012 is my year to fit back into my pants again.

It took me 9 months to gain 40+ pounds and I am just fine with it taking 9 months to a year to lose them.  I know what is realistic for me.  I'm not a loser of 2 pounds + a week.  My average weight loss the first time down was 1 pound a week.  At my last weigh in I was around 215.  My goal weight is 175.  I'd like to be down to 199.9 by my birthday in March.  It's March 22.  I have around 11 weeks.  I'd like to be down the other 25 pounds by the end of this year. 

Realistic goals!  I can do this.  I will make this happen.  I know exactly what to do.  I'm a pro at this weight loss stuff.  I lost 115 pounds before, 40 should be a.piece.of.cake!  But I'm still scared.  Scared to fail, scared to be fat.

On the way to reclaiming my skinny self, and my old pants, I'd like to restart a "formal" exercise program this year.  I'm not sure what this means right now.  I haven't run since sometime late last February.  My first step is to figure out what form of exercise and where to exercise will work best for me in this season - tired mother with small infant and preschool son- of my life.  I've considered rejoining Curves as I know it works and its a 30 minute commitment.  I want to run, and I may start up the "run a 5k program" I did before, in the spring once it is lighter later in the evenings.

Goal #2:  Reclaim my sanity
This one is just slighter harder to put out here, as it involves my mental health, and sometimes I think that is a side of myself I'd rather just hide away.  But I feel it needs to be said.  Last year sucked.  It drained the life out of me with my traumatic pregnancy... not to mention the hormones.  I have some lingering issues.  Sometimes I feel sad... really really sad, and I'm not always 100% sure why.  But even a bigger concern is my anxiety levels recently are sky high.  I worry about stuff... and not just little things, but big things... like my kids dying, car accidents, bad things happening to my family.  It is freaky.  I'm nearly positive it is a result of the stress of my pregnancy that has done this to me, but I don't want to live in this stupid constant fear, anger, and sadness. 

I think the food I put in my mouth and finding exercise to do will play a huge role in helping me in this area, as I'm a big believer that physical health and mental health are closely tied together, but I am not going to be ashamed to reach out for help to a therapist/counselor this year to process the events of 2011. 

And so... I will reclaim my sanity, and at the end of 2012, I will be a skinny, sane girl in cute pants!  Shoot for the stars, right?

2012 is going to be better.  I am ready and willing to work on my body, mind, and soul, and discover new lessons along the way.  Welcome 2012... I like you better already.

Outside today the weather is deceiving.  You look and its sunny, but I ventured outside to see how my little veggie garden was doing this morning and it was really chilly - like need a Columbia fleece on chilly.
Sometimes I feel like my weight loss journey is that way lately.  I'm supposed to be a role model... I guess.  It's probably why you are reading this right now.  You want to be inspired by my 115 pound weight loss, so that you too, can lose weight.  It is probably no surprise I feel less than inspiring right now.  Maybe it is pregnancy hormones, maybe it is the uncertainty that each day brings around here in the last 4 weeks.  I'm not sure.

The one thing I do know is that I feel like I'm back to my old habits - soothing my hurts with food.  There, I admitted it.  I have been eating whatever I want lately, and since my nausea is 90% gone, its not just because I can't stomach healthy things anymore.  Its because it makes me feel better.  Its because the rest of life really just sucks so much right now, but good food is always good.  You know what I mean, right? 

I've always found good food comforting, but especially now, in the midst of probably the darkest time in my life, I am finding it especially comforting.  To the point where I am scared:

Scared that I won't be able to control this. 
Scared that I'll gain all my weight back.
Scared that I'll wake up one morning and be back to 281 pounds!
Scared that I'll never ever be able to lose my pregnancy weight.

So I eat another donut or muffin, or take a few Red Vines licorice from the bag, have a giant bowl of ice cream, or maybe a handful of chips (pass the dip please), allow myself the fries with lunch instead of choosing fruit.  Temporarily, it makes the scariness of those things, the frightening reality of this pregnancy and of my family's future, and the hurt, depression, and pain go away.  Sure... it only lasts as long as the bowl of ice cream or to the end of the licorice twist, but it is momentary relief - sweet relief (sometimes literally) - enough to get me through to the next day.

I want so bad to be in control. 
I AM NOT. 
I've gained 24 pounds in 23-1/2 weeks of pregnancy!  I feel uninspiring, full of self-loathing, and FAT! 

I want to say, NO MORE EXCUSES!  I will start to control myself, eat healthier, and throw away the licorice today.  That is what I have been about for the past 2 years.  That is the very reason why I lost this weight.  But, I know if I say that, I'll just be lying... to you... to myself.  I don't have any answers right now, and even while I feel this needs to be addressed, I really don't have the strength for any more big battles right now. 

1 year ago today I ran my first 5k ever - after only 7 weeks of training.  It was an amazing morning, shared with amazing people!  This morning, I am missing that feeling of accomplishment, empowerment, and of control in my life.  I am missing last year and the amazing things that happened in it.  I am wanting so bad to go back, to skip this time in my life, and relive 2010 instead.  I hope sometime soon to be tapped on the shoulder and woken up from what seems like an awful nightmare, but each day passes, and that never comes.

As the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Mandisa says:
There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
(Mandisa - He is with you)
So... this is certainly a different season in my life - the rules have changed - and sometimes I feel like I'm feeling my way around in the dark.  There was a time to run, and now this is a time to face it.  I know finding comfort in food won't change things.  I guess for now just knowing is enough.

After my post about Building a Habit, I had a whole bunch of emails asking me for the running plan I followed.

So... without further ado, here is the 5k running plan I followed earlier this year.  I can't take any credit for this as it is a plan that Weight Watchers published this spring on their website.  What I can take credit for is going from not even being able to run 1 second to be able to run a 5k in 32 minutes and 15 seconds 6 weeks later by following this plan!  I can't say enough good about this plan.  That said, a fair warning IT IS HARD!  Plan to be challenge and dedicate yourself to this.  This is a much harder and more accelerated plan than the popular C25K plan that a lot of people follow.  Just think how quickly you'll be ready to run a 5k!  Good luck!






I've added a link to this information under my Race Information tab/page too.

It’s commonly said that it takes 30 days of doing something consistently to create a habit. I always found that interesting, since I actually think that is underestimating what it takes to create a habit.

I started my weight loss journey in October 2008. I lost my first fifty pounds without so much as lifting a finger for exercise. It helped me to concentrate on one thing at a time – one thing I knew I could change – my food. In April of 2009, I knew that to truly change myself I would need to find a way not only to make myself thinner, but also to make myself fitter – so I joined Curves.

Curves was perfect for me - low-impact, minimal time commitment, and fun to do.  I committed to going 3-4 days a week.  For probably the next 6 months, if I made it 2 days a week, that was good. 

Fast forward to this past spring - 2010.  Weight Watchers issued a challenge to walk a 5k.  Walking is GREAT exercise, but I knew that it would not be a challenge for me.  So... I committed to running a 5k, and picked my race - The CDI Back in Shape 5k - June 12, 2010. 

7 weeks away from the race, and after much hemming and hawing, I decided it was time to start training.  I followed the Weight Watchers run a 5k plan (email me for more information if you want information on this plan).  Initially I couldn't run 1 minute, but at the end of 6 weeks I ran a 5k in 32 minutes and 15 seconds!  Now I was going to Curves 3 days a week and running 3-4 days a week.  After the race, I just kept on running, I rarely missed a day.  I eventually left Curves and joined a gym where I could run inside, and rarely now miss a day.  It isn't even a option for me to "skip" anymore. 

That's my long-winded way of saying it took me nearly a year of "practice" to finally make exercise a habit - an integral part of my life.  Back in my earlier Curves days, I remember waking up at 5:20 am to head into Curves, only to roll over and turn my alarm off.  I can honestly say, with the exception of being sick, I haven't done that in months. 

The past 2 weeks have been TOUGH!  I have felt unmotivated to exercise.  I could give you EVERY excuse in the book: 
stomach flu
a cold/sore throat
a sick kid
a sick husband
the holidays are coming
holiday parties
Thanksgiving
Christmas shopping to do
stress at work
3 snow storms, etc. etc.
but I've powered through. 

The turning point of realizing that FINALLY exercise is a habit for me was this morning: 
The temperature = 11 below,
The time = 5:15 am
Outside =dark and snowy
Me = groaning and moaning, saying I don't want to ALL the way to the gym, even while on the treadmill the whole 30 minutes. 
The result, not even once did I consider not going despite all my grumbling! 

So don't give yourself the choice to quit - whatever you are facing.  Keep getting up in the morning and doing it over and over and over again.  When you don't want to, do it anyways.  For me, it took way longer than 30 days to make that habit, but the time spent was well worth it!

I really hope you all enjoyed the first annual Healthy Living During the Holidays Week last week.  Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway.  The winner of the cookbook as chosen by random.org is Lisa Buchanan with her comment (including recipe - Thanks Lisa):

I make a veggie casserole every Thanksgiving and have learned to lighten it without anyone in my family telling a difference. Here is the lightened version.



2 cans french style green beans (I get low sodium) - drained
2 cans whole kernel corn (I get no salt) - drained
2 cans Fat free cream of chicken or one of each chicken and mushroom soup
8 ounces fat free sour cream
8 ounces 2% sharp cheddar cheese - shredded
1/2 stick I cant believe it's not butter
1 sleeve of reduced fat and/or wheat Ritz crackers


Mix all ingredients but last 2 and pour into 9 x 13 Pyrex dish. Crumble crackers and place on top of mixture, poor melted butter on top. Bake 425 for 30 minutes or until brown and bubbly. ENJOY!

Lisa - I'll be contacting you to get your address, and your cookbook will hopefully be on its way before Thanksgiving.  I hope you enjoy it!

Next - my weekly weigh in.  You'll remember how my scale progress has been pretty slow, and I was committing to making some changes.  Well, it did pay off because I lost 1.8 pounds at my weigh in on Thursday, and I'm down a total of 111.2 POUNDS!!!  I am ecstatic.  I have 10.2 pounds until I reach my ultimate personal goal.  I'll be posting my holiday goals this week, regarding what choice I have made this holiday season.

Finally, I intend on making giving thanks a theme of my posts this week.  I'm going to post something every day week regarding what I am thankful for as we approach Thanksgiving.  I encourage you to post something to your blog or leave a comment here telling something YOU are thankful for as well.  My intent is to focus more on the blessings in my life rather than the failures and the shortcomings.  So...

Today I am thankful for my legs.  They may be fat little legs, they may have extra flabby skin, and bumps and lumps, but they carry me every single day.  They are strong, and with them my body can run.  Because of my legs I've been able to successfully run two 5ks this year, and also raise almost $400 for prostate cancer!  My legs also fold up to make a nice lap where my little "L" can sit and snuggle me.  So, yes, I am thankful for my legs! 

What are you thankful for today?

What does a Halloween morning run outside in Minnesota look like?

Thanks to my awesome sister-in-law for the Olympic mittens!

WOW!  I much prefer the Before picture

I've never run outside when it has been this cold before, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  I'll admit the scarf was over the top.  In fact I threw it to my husband as I walked out the door, but I really did need the hat and gloves for about 90% of the way.  I ran 2.9 miles in 30 minutes.  I have to say I much prefer running in the cold in Minnesota to running in the heat!

Have an awesome Halloween.  I'll be back tomorrow with pictures of my sweet little boy in his costume and the pumpkins we carved!

Before I go I want to give you my best advice for Halloween?  Buy yourself a couple of killer pieces of chocolate - Godiva anyone? - and make that your special treat when everyone else is gorging on cheap candy.  Remember that Halloween candy was likely packaged around Easter... yuck!

I sit here tonight and I feel terrified....
Terrified of what you ask?
Well... let's see:
Gaining this week... which in addition to my gain last Thursday, would likely put me more than 2 pounds over goal, making me the first person EVER to fail the "maintenance" portion of the Weight Watchers program, and not allowing me to make Lifetime.

That is why I am terrified tonight.  I am terrified of failure... of gaining all my weight back.  I'm terrified that the number on the scale is up after an activity filled, completely on plan weekend.  What is up with that?  I am terrified that I'm a slave to the scale.

And if that's not enough for you I have other good stuff:

• My son still has his front soft spot on his head at the age of 3.  None of the doctor's in my ped's practice have seen this before, the neurologists at Children's Hospital have never seen this before, and they want him to have an MRI to check for intracranial pressure - don't google it... nothing good comes up.
• I'm terrified of the cost of the above MRI.  As much as I would love to have a picture of my sweet baby boy's brain hanging on my wall for Christmas I'd much prefer (insert anything else here).
• Did I mention I'm terrified of getting fat/fatter again?  Well it still applies.
• I'm terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant and have another child.  That my child will grow up with a sibling.
• I'm terrified that if I do get pregnant I'll have a preemie again, I'll have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or even worse I'll die.
• I'm terrified that I'll be a burden on my child in my old age.
• I'm terrified that my son will get fat someday.
• I'm terrified that losing all this weight won't have done anything for my PCOS .
• I'm terrified I'm not good enough, that people won't like me, that I suck at group fitness, of being alone anywhere in public, that I will have no one to talk to to and no one will like me if I go to this alone:  One, Breath, One Step.  I'm terrified of starting conversations with strangers.
• I'm terrified that my hormones are out of whack, and that I'll never be normal.  I'm terrified that PCOS will once again remind me that my body is its home.
• I'm terrified that even though I want to have another child I won't be able to afford one.

I guess you could say I have issues.  I am having a REALLY hard time right now with all of the thoughts I've listed above.  I'm having a hard time not taking the entire peanut butter jar and the whole bag of chocolate chips and "solving" the problems above with them.  I'm having a hard time not drinking a whole heck of a lot of wine.  Sometimes, I am actually amazed at my ability to stop emotional eating really quickly these days, but that leaves a whole lot of worrying left to do.

On Saturday my head was full of all of this stuff (still is to be honest), and you know what I did... I ran.  I pounded out 3.5 miles on the treadmill mindlessly staring out the windows at the gym.  Allowing myself to be lost in my thoughts.  I would have gone farther too, but an old injury in my foot was aching.  I tried to envision happy endings to all the worries above as I was running...

• me holding a healthy full term baby
• "L"''s negative MRI results
• Myself making Lifetime
• Myself in 2 years looking thin and watching my children play together
• Myself taking a group fitness class, etc. etc. 

It definitely gave me some relief... although short-lived.

If you think I'm crazy now...you're probably right.  But I think I'm real and you can probably relate - because face it we all have issues.  Something tells me the next few months are going to be quite a ride.  I'm holding on for dear life, and I'm keeping my running shoes really close to the door.

It was rewarding to be able to be out there yesterday - to be showing my support for men that have died of this disease, and men that are surviving in spite of it.  The number of people that I've heard of recently that have been touched by prostate cancer alarm me.  It was rewarding to see people banding together to support and remember loved ones.  I was able to share my dad's story with one of the videographers there.  I hope it can inspire someone else.  I was glad to share the day with my brother, husband, and son.  Daddy... I know you couldn't be there in person, but I was glad to share the day with you too!  I hope it made you proud.

Tomorrow I am running in the Great Prostate Cancer Challenge.  Its my second ever race - a 5k.  Its tomorrow morning at 9 am Central Time.  I am nervous and excited.  I am also happy that I've managed to raise $360 towards this cause.  Remember my dad died from it.  I know he will be there in spirit to cheer me on.  I am so honored to do this in memory of him.  If you still want to sponsor me there is still time:  http://www.active.com/donate/gpcctwincities10/fatlittlelegs

I am nervous... because my last 5k I had tons of people there supporting me... running with me.  Tomorrow... it's just me.  Just me... and my darling husband cheering me on of course! 

Daddy... this is for you.  I bet never in your wildest dreams would you envision me... your youngest... running a race.  Crazy, isn't it?  I'll be wearing the blue shirt.  Keep your eye out for me.  I know I don't look much like I did when I last saw you, but being your daughter I'm sure you'll still recognize me.  I've lost a little bit of weight.  I know I'll be looking for you, and something tells me you'll have the best seat in the house!

So I'm just a little absent this past week.  If you must know, I'm playing hooky. 
Hooky from life.
Hooky from Weight Watchers and counting every last point. 
Hooky from work...

I'm not playing hooky from exercise though.  OK, I did take the weekend off - not even a long weekend.  But I was running again on Monday morning already.  But this morning I DID NOT WANT TO GO.  I know, since I've been playing hooky that I have been eating and drinking (unfortunately I'm not talking water here) more than usual.  I knew I had to get out there, for my sanity, because I have a 5k coming up in 2-1/2 weeks, but most of all because I needed to desperately burn some calories. 

Despite all of the reasons I needed to go, I thought of every excuse in the book:
Its cold out... it was in the 30s this morning.
All I have is short sleeve shirts and shorts (see above comment).
I'm playing hooky after all, what's the big deal about skipping a day.
The altitude here is 3 times what I'm used to.

But then the cloudy/cold day became lovely and mildly warm, and there was ZERO percent humidity and even though I wondered what the altitude would do to my head and my lungs I couldn't bear to NOT run when my view was this:

Tomorrow at 5:45 am I will go for my LAST outside run (for awhile at least) in the near dawn.  The sun will officially rise at 6:00 am tomorrow, and the dew point outside will be 70 degrees - that is the DEW POINT!!!  The temperature will be around 73.  I am not a meteorologist or anything, but I think when those 2 are = it is 100% humidity. 

Tomorrow I will go for my last outside run and my husband will ask me, "Are you REALLY going to run?" and I will say "Yes, and if I need to stop and walk, its OK!"  Half to convince myself that it really is OK, and half to convince him I am not 100% crazy. 

Yes, tomorrow I will go for my last outside run, and I will listen to my music, and I will think about when I started to run back in April - when I used to only be able to run 1 minute at a time, when I weighed more and moved less.  When that 1 minute would give me horrible leg pain - when my knees almost gave out on me. 

Yes, tomorrow I will go for my last outside run, and think about running away the last 3.8 pounds to my goal.  I will run because I am no longer fat.  The fat lady lost, and the thinner lady won. 

Yes, tomorrow morning I will go for my last outside run, and I will be soaking wet with sweat when I return, but I will be smiling because...

the next time I run...

I will be here:

There is a little bit of sadness around me tonight.  No, it's nothing horrible or anything.  It's just the stark realization that my ability to run in the mornings is coming to a very abrupt end.  I haven't run in the early morning (5:30 ish) since last Tuesday.  Thursday I was out of town and I ran Sunday around 8:00 am.  And now - this week - the sun doesn't come up until 5:51 am tomorrow, and by the end of the week it will be nearly 6:00 am.  This leaves me with issues I don't have the time or the desire to deal with right now.  See... I work at 7:00 am.  My run takes about 35 minutes.  I have to pretty much leave by 5:30 in order to get back in time to shower and make it to work by 7:00. 

Sure, I could run in the evenings, but here's the thing... I can't.  As I found out during a couple of previous disaster runs, and was again terribly reminded of on Sunday morning - my body has no heat tolerance.  Even at 8:00 at 70 some degrees it was too hot for me on Sunday and caused a spell with dizziness and nausea I'd rather not think about, let alone discuss.  Oh yeah, and if you haven't heard enough excuses, I don't belong to a gym, so the dreadmill is not an option.  I belong to Curves right now, and it's just circuit training.

Sigh.  I swear I am not trying to sound all whiny, but yet as I reread those last 2 paragraphs that's exactly how I sound.  I'm just trying to process the demise of summer and figure this thing out, without it sending me in a tailspin.  It is not an option to quit, and while wearing a hat with a light on the head is an interesting idea, I'm thinking maybe not the safest.

I will figure this out... I will.  But no reason for me to figure it out alone.  So tell me, what would you do?
Should I quit Curves and join a gym?  I'm looking for some advice here, because it is not an option to quit what I've now started - even though some days... I really really want to.

Hopefully Minnesota Tourism won't see this post otherwise I'll probably be kicked out of the state, but at this point, KICK ME OUT!!!  I don't want to live here.  I don't like it here.  I failed big time today, and because I don't want to take personal responsibility, I'm going to blame it on Minnesota.

Let's back up a bit... late last week Tara @  263 and Counting ran 5 miles!!!  I was so proud of her, that I challenged myself to run 5 miles, but it had to wait until the weekend, because I don't have that much time on weekdays.  So I said I'd do it on Saturday.  I DIDN'T.  I woke up, after a thunderstorm filled night, and the air was so thick with humidity you could have probably cut it with a knife.  Now you have to know that I grew up in Montana.  If there is 14% humidity people start complaining its humid.  People in Montana don't have air conditioners.  You just don't need them.  My blood still hasn't completely adapted to the Midwest killer summer humidity, even though I've been here 11 years now.  So... a 5 mile run in 99% humidity wasn't going to happen.  A 1 mile run in 99% humidity wasn't even going to happen.  So I did what any good Weight Watcher would do... I made waffles, and then went to SuperTarget to buy food!  I did not run.  I heard on the news that the humidity would drop on Saturday overnight, and Sunday would be much less humid.  So I planned my run for then. 

This morning I woke up at 7:15, and put on my running clothes and was out the door by 7:30.  My first thought... "Hmmm... I thought it was supposed to be less humid, not more."  Yep now it was 100% humidity instead of 99%.  AWESOME!  So I set my Nike+ to 4 miles, because I knew that 5 wasn't in the cards for today.  At 2.5 miles I was dying!  I mean I could barely breathe and I was actually getting dizzy, and wouldn't you know it, a freaking mosquito even bit me in the upper arm.  I wasn't going to make 4 miles.  It sucked!  I hated it, but for the sake of safety I quit at 3 miles.  EPIC FAILURE!  It was one of the worst feeling runs I have had to date.  I felt horrible the entire time, and felt like puking for about 40 minutes afterwards. 

So back to my "I hate Minnesota rant"... because I want to blame someone other than me, and because it really sucks to fail, here are the top 10 reasons I hate Minnesota:
10)  There is no Minnesota nice... myth!
9)  People do not know how to merge
8)  Sweaty people walking around eating food on a stick = the best celebration of the summer, the MN State Fair
7)  Vikings will not for the life of them draft a Quarterback
6)  Snow
5)  More Snow sometimes in April and May
4)  Mosquitoes as big as birds in other states
3)  No ocean within a 2 days drive
2)  90 degrees with 90% Humidity!!
1)  Nothing beats the feeling of 30 below with 60 below windchill on your face in January at 5:30 am as you head to the gym

Minnesota - Please do not take this personally.  It was really never meant to be between you and I from the beginning.  I only meant to be here for a few years after college to "get on my feet".  Somehow deep down apparently I like something about you though, because I stayed for the last 11 years.  Some days though putting up with you ain't easy.

Highs:

• Still thinking about the awesomeness of my 5k on Saturday.  I'm feeling really empowered and strong!
• Everyone's comments the last few days on my blog, have been so great.  I love reading them!!  So if you commented, thanks from the bottom of my heart.  Reading the comments really fuels me to stay on track with my goals.  I've reached over 25 followers in the 6 weeks or so that I've been doing this.  I'm excited about that.  Right now I'm just really feeling a passion and a calling for trying to help and inspire anyone I can.  I'm not sure what shape that is going to take, but I want you all to know this is a doable thing.  I can say that because I have done it.  Note, I said doable - not easy.
• The sun is finally shining this afternoon.
• I went to Lands End yesterday looking for a light weight jacket to keep out the rain (see one of the lows below) - for running, and for an upcoming trip.  A lovely gentleman told me that they didn't have any women's jackets, but they had some boys ones and he thought I could "easily fit into a boy's large".  I seriously gave him this "who the heck are you looking at buddy" look.  I think he thought I was offended.  I was just stunned.  He assured me it was nothing to be ashamed of, and that he also fits into boy's sizes.  I'm still laughing about this whole exchange.  Lovely man, whoever you are, even though I'm pretty sure you don't swing my way... I LOVE YOU!
• Not long until I'm on vacation for the first time since last September!

Lows:

• Feeling a little "race let down".  I ran this morning, my first run since Saturday, but I felt a little wimpy.  I did 15 minutes and then a 1 minute walk, and then I was going to do another fifteen, but wimped out at 13.  I've never done that before.  I've always run the amount I committed to.  I think its because I don't have the race looming in front of me.  Does that make sense?
• It has been raining like 13 out of the last 14 days and in the 60s for highs... isn't it June?  We get so much bad weather in Minnesota, please give us the 3 months of summer we deserve.
• I haven't been sleeping well this week, and I'm feeling exhausted!
• I caved and weighed myself this week (I know, slap me, but I made it through last week), I have not lost weight, in fact, it looks like I have gained a pound since Thursday's weigh in.  I think I might cry.  I do not want a plateau.  I don't "do" plateaus.  Then I watch that "Losing it with Jillian" show on TV on Sunday.  So there's this lady who wants to run her first 5k, and she manages to lose 32 freaking pounds in 6 weeks, training for the race!  That takes me a 3/4 of a year!  I was yelling at the TV... I seriously was, ask my husband.  I hate when they show these things on TV.  Am I the only person in the world that finds that discouraging rather than inspiring?
• Feeling stressed, about lots of non-weight related things.