Postpartum Confessions

October 11, 2011

It is time.
It is time for me to fess up and face the facts that I'm 30 pounds over my goal weight, and I feel like a slug and a whale all rolled into one.
It is time for me to say that having no pants that fit, other than stretchy pants, stresses me out!
It is time for me to admit that I have eaten way too much candy corn in the past 3 days!
It is time for me to admit that I used to be a size 8, and I'm probably a 14 or maybe even a 16 right now.
It is time for me to admit that it is going to get cold in Minnesota soon and my warm Columbia Coat from last year is not going to fit, and I am going to freeze!

I'm 3 weeks postpartum and my body shape has completely changed.  I've always been an apple, but this pregnancy widened my back side and hips significantly.  I thought, oh, I'll just wear my pants with a Bella band, until I can zip them again, but the reality is my pants won't even go over my hips right now.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my self-esteem in in the crapper right now.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't care, because I do.  I really do.  Having no pants that fits sucks!

I'd be lying if I said that I am not stress/comfort eating right now.  Being home all day long with a newborn is not some sort of bliss, like you might be lead to believe.  It is boring sometimes, and tedious, and tiring, and crazy, and worth it all rolled into one.  I grab things here and there to eat when I have a free hand, which isn't that often.  I snack all day long, and not on carrots and cucumbers either!  When I do eat, its usually interrupted and fast, and I snarf something down and 30 minutes later forget that I actually ate, and repeat all over again.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my favorite food right now is white bread, toasted, with lots and lots of organic butter.  I say organic because that makes it better, right?

I'd be lying if I said that I have an organized plan to get off these 30 pounds, and fit into my clothes again.  I have some disorganized ideas in my head, but nothing concrete. 

I'd be lying if I said that I have any intention of exercising any time soon... read:  in the next year. 

I'd also be lying if I said that weight loss is my number one or even my number twenty priority right now.

Finally, I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little scared I'll never be able to lose this weight.  Wait... you say, aren't you the person that previously lost 115 pounds?  30 pounds should be like a walk in the park to you.  For some reason I can't seem to muster up that feeling inside of me that believes in myself to do this again.  That believes I can get back to that goal weight number ever again.

Just goes to show you that people that have lost a lot of weight in the past don't have any bigger secrets or any less problems, than the regular person out there that needs/wants to lose weight.

So there you have it... I'm 30 pounds overweight, have no clothes that fit, need my hair cut and my brows plucked, have acne like a teenager, and pretty seriously look like a mess! 

But... at least I'm being honest with myself, and for now, that's a step in the right direction.
I certainly thought this would be easier.

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  1. I'd really like to come up with the perfect encouraging, motivating thing to say, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that every single thing you wrote is something that I could write and have it be true ... except that I have 50 pounds to go. I do have one pair of pants that fit. They're Molly's fat pants that she gave me now that she's lost 70 pounds so they're too short, but at least they get over my thighs. Sigh. Look up power sticks on WW. They're good. I roll them into balls instead of sticks and put them in the frige. They're easy to grab and seem to satisfy my boredom/stress/comfort eating.

  2. I'm right there with you. I think I have 30 lbs to lose as well...thus the desire to take up running. (going to check out the page you told me about) I've never truly been in great shape- no time like the present to try!
    Btw, cut yourself some slack- you're so hard on yourself! Your baby comes with extra stress and extra care needed and you're doing a fabulous job. If you don't lose this weight for a while, who cares? You're focusing on the most important thing right now and there will always be time later for weight loss campaigns. (-:

  3. It took me over a year to come out of my post pregnancy funk (PPD one might say). And toast....oh my...I used to eat to slices with butter every day after my son was born. I could eat with one hand and it was delicious and I slathered it in Land O Lakes butter, but it was whole grain so do I get bonus points?! I'm a newer reader but I just wanted to say give yourself time to lose the weight but definitely go for walks (I stayed inside and didn't get fresh air for weeks besides the trip from the car to inside Target or the grocery store) or grab an hour when you can (laughable with a newborn, I know, but if you can do it!) and go do something you love. Me, I love browsing Barnes and Nobles or buying new make up or an accessory because let's face it, clothes shopping just stinks this early on in post pregnancy. You have an incredible story and you'll have an incredible post pregnancy story, I believe in you!

  4. I've got 20... And that time I lost 185 pounds seems like a distant memory. I'm 2 weeks post c-section. No organized plan either. Breast feeding will help (I hope). I'm in a pg skirt today, rifled through my closet earlier... in same boat with the pants. Depressing.

    We can do it. :)

  5. New follower here. Hey you just had a baby, you can do it!

  6. Awe, hang in there. I've lost over 100 pounds, too and I have one child. I want to have a second, but a big part of me is so scared of how my body will change. I know I'll have the same thoughts/feelings that you're having now. Yes, you/we lost a ton of weight. So why is the thought of losing a mere 30 pounds so terrifying and why does it seem/feel impossible? But I know that once you do get yourself on track again and life settles down a bit, you'll feel much better. Even now, when I feel "off", just going to the gym makes me feel better. Heck, just MOVING makes me feel better. :) But right now, you have a beautiful new baby girl to love and cuddle with and that is your #1 priority. No shame in that :)

  7. I've got 35 lbs. to lose and no baby. Just wanted to come over here and hug you. I read this post on my phone and I'm terrible at texting comments on blogs. God bless your honesty and openness. You are in my prayers.

  8. Hey, lady, give yourself a break! You just had a baby, have undergone (and continue to undergo) an intense amount of stress, and you are getting no sleep. Stress and sleep are HUGE inhibitors of weight loss. I can certainly empathize, since I'm pretty sure I will be singing the same tune in about 5 months, but once you get to the point where you are only semi-exhausted, you will get to the point where you will want to make a plan. I decided that I'm not even THINKING about weighing myself or beginning any routine for the first 6 weeks. Then, I will probably start going on short walks with the baby and focus on getting lots of fruits and veggies on my plate. Nothing major, and eventually everything will work itself out. I'll bet by Christmas you start feeling like yourself again. :) Best wishes!


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