Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Struggling

Again... so much I want to say, and so much time goes by as I struggle to get my thoughts into words that can come out of my hands.  It never seems quite right.  I start post after post and give up on myself. 

It simply comes down to this.  I AM STRUGGLING.

Lily turned 15 months old on Sunday.  I ask myself, how did that happen?  It seems like just yesterday she was a few months old, and we were struggling to even get her to drink one measly ounce out of a bottle.  Now she scoots around - still not walking but I know we will get there and I'm trying desperately to be patient and not wish her "baby" time away.  She eats lots of cheese, fruit, loves books, loves bath, and literally dances to all music she hears.  She is a toddler.  How did that happen? 

And I look at my weight this time last year, and I look at it now.  I've managed to lose 15 pounds the entire year.  UGH!  How did I let that happen?  With a 15 month old baby, I should still not be trying to lose the baby weight.  I should be at goal by now.  Somewhere around fall, I sort of stopped caring, and I've gained about 8 pounds back from where I was (which was down 20+ lbs) since then.  And you know what?  It doesn't bother me, and that scares me... A LOT!!!!!

I know I shouldn't be so harsh with myself, but I am.  You know, that is my nature.  And, yet, at the same time it is not my priority right now.  I have taken so many steps this year, to find myself again, and to love myself where I'm at, and stop defining myself and my worth by the number on a scale.  This has been hard work for me, and huge!  But at the same time the downside to this is some of that guilt, some of that definition was my motivation for losing weight, and now here I sit, less than a week before Christmas, and I will admit it is official - I have lost my motivation.  I don't have pounds to lose because I want another baby, and there's really no special events on the horizon, or clothes I want to fit into (I gave up thinking of my size 8s a long time ago).  I've really got nothing.

I've seen the insides of way too many fast food drive thrus in the past month.
I've grabbed way too many second helpings of food.
I've eaten so few fruits and veggies.
I've helped myself to snacks and candy I would have never before considered worth eating.
I've done nothing in the form of exercise except maybe haul in groceries from my car, or carry around Lily.
I've made fudge and 10 different kinds of cookies, and I've eaten them.

I'm struggling, and the further I get down, the less I know of how to make it all stop.  I get into an all or nothing mode, a give up mode, and I just throw up my hands up and head to the nearest fridge, cupboard, drive thru, vending machine...

I have so many other things to think about - no that's not an excuse - I don't do excuses - it is however a reality.  Lily has at least 1-2 appointments a week, I work 40+ hours a week, and every night I have to load up a needle and stick it into my precious baby's leg.  That alone has me shoving a few extra cookies and an extra glass of wine for good measure into my gullet.

And really, I have nothing else to say.
I'm here.
I'm struggling.
I'm not sure how to move past this.
Any ideas?  Let me know.  I'm all ears.

8 comments:

Mary Beth December 19, 2012 at 4:44 PM  

I am not going to help with what you want here, because I have tears in my eyes after reading your post...because I want you to take it easy on yourself. I know, I know, I know.

I know. Really.

But, would you talk to a friend in your situation the way you do are talking to your precious self?

Please consider that maybe this is not the time, at least not the time to work on weight loss. Maybe maintaining, mostly, is good for now. I tried desperately to lose weight while my husband was in treatment for throat cancer. Looking back, I find that utterly ridiculous.

Sending love and support. And blessings for peace and joy this Christmas.

Zoo Gardener December 20, 2012 at 7:58 AM  

Sarah. I don't know if you remember me from the Eagan WW a couple of year's ago,( the zoo employee who showed up in unifrom at the meetings) but I've been a lurker, on your blog since before Lily was born. I was so excited and relieved when she got here, when I knew you must be so thrilled and that perhaps some of the worrying might pass.

I can relate to your lack of motivation, and while I think it has everything to do with being overwhelmed and think it's something else, too. I find myself in much the same situation, with a lack of interest, motivation and just a plodding sense of time. A little bit of 'why bother?' I want to be excited and moving instead of trying to find clothes that will not cut me in half, when I've got them on. (I've almost gone to wearing yoga pants, exclusively when not at work)

I think what I'm trying to point out is that maybe we do need to spend some time and energy on ourselves, instead of investing in everyone else. You've got Lily and your son and a husband and work and blogging, but you've got no time or energy to 'feed' your self, in a non-food manner. While my children are grown, I still find myself in your prediciment.

I wish I knew where to find my motivation, and the only thing that I can think of doing is to start (once again) a WW journey. What I apprecited more than anything was Mary Beth's ability to help us all realize that 'it's not about the food'. The food and eating are just a manefestation for what is going on, inside. SO I'm going to try and 'act' like I have motivation, until I do have some. For me, I have no illustions that I'll ever fit in a size 8, but wearing pants that don't need an elastic waist, will be a wonderful thing to me.

I'm not sure why I decided to comment, other than I am feeling exactly the way that you wrote about. If there's something or some way that I can help, I would like to do it. I will be at the Eagan meeting on January 10th at 12:00 to see if I can't motivate myself to move towards something I value.

Please have a wonderful, magical Christmas season. Enjoy your life and know that others would like to help.

Peace.
Kim

Elaine December 20, 2012 at 10:08 AM  

I agree with the two previous comments. I especially like Kim's advice to get back to WW. It worked once; you can do it again. Maybe your motivation this time needs to be your kids. You want to be the healthiest mom to them.

Another point I'd make is that you seem to be in black-or-white mode when it comes to food and exercise. Either you're on WW or eating with abandon. Either running 3 miles or nothing. Maybe just increasing activity a little bit and limiting those holiday treats (and treat making) would get you going in the right direction, or at least put the brakes on your weight gain. But you already know this, because you did it before.

Have you found "Half-Size Me" podcasts yet? Excellent weekly motivation from a woman who lost a ton of weight with WW. Her podcasts might do the trick for you, motivation-wise.

Lastly, I think the fact that you are hanging in there with all your responsibilities: family, job and special needs child is a wonder in itself. You are a strong woman, and I admire your ability to face all your challenges. Wow! So, do take pride in that fact.

SeattleRunnerGirl December 20, 2012 at 9:55 PM  

I am with you. I, too, am struggling. I don't know the answer, but I know part of it starts with not giving up. You're here, and that counts.

Sue Z December 25, 2012 at 11:12 PM  

You have put my feelings and actions into words so well ... that's a start ... now to get back to where we were ....

Why, oh why does this happen????

LutherLiz December 26, 2012 at 4:21 PM  

My biggest idea is that lets have coffee. Last Christmas you were the catalyst to get me to weight watchers. I'd love to chat and see if I can share some of the motivation you give me.

Mary Beth January 2, 2013 at 1:48 PM  

Just wanted to let you know that I am back to WW now, and that's largely thanks to you.

Hugs!

Anonymous,  January 4, 2013 at 5:21 PM  

Hey Sarah - Every time (& it's often!) that I make your "Red Beans and
Rice" soup, I think of you! Love that recipe! Happy New Year to you
and your family. Take care. Louise R.

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