StrugglingDecember 19, 2012
Again... so much I want to say, and so much time goes by as I struggle to get my thoughts into words that can come out of my hands. It never seems quite right. I start post after post and give up on myself.
It simply comes down to this. I AM STRUGGLING.
Lily turned 15 months old on Sunday. I ask myself, how did that happen? It seems like just yesterday she was a few months old, and we were struggling to even get her to drink one measly ounce out of a bottle. Now she scoots around - still not walking but I know we will get there and I'm trying desperately to be patient and not wish her "baby" time away. She eats lots of cheese, fruit, loves books, loves bath, and literally dances to all music she hears. She is a toddler. How did that happen?
And I look at my weight this time last year, and I look at it now. I've managed to lose 15 pounds the entire year. UGH! How did I let that happen? With a 15 month old baby, I should still not be trying to lose the baby weight. I should be at goal by now. Somewhere around fall, I sort of stopped caring, and I've gained about 8 pounds back from where I was (which was down 20+ lbs) since then. And you know what? It doesn't bother me, and that scares me... A LOT!!!!!
I know I shouldn't be so harsh with myself, but I am. You know, that is my nature. And, yet, at the same time it is not my priority right now. I have taken so many steps this year, to find myself again, and to love myself where I'm at, and stop defining myself and my worth by the number on a scale. This has been hard work for me, and huge! But at the same time the downside to this is some of that guilt, some of that definition was my motivation for losing weight, and now here I sit, less than a week before Christmas, and I will admit it is official - I have lost my motivation. I don't have pounds to lose because I want another baby, and there's really no special events on the horizon, or clothes I want to fit into (I gave up thinking of my size 8s a long time ago). I've really got nothing.
I've seen the insides of way too many fast food drive thrus in the past month.
I've grabbed way too many second helpings of food.
I've eaten so few fruits and veggies.
I've helped myself to snacks and candy I would have never before considered worth eating.
I've done nothing in the form of exercise except maybe haul in groceries from my car, or carry around Lily.
I've made fudge and 10 different kinds of cookies, and I've eaten them.
I'm struggling, and the further I get down, the less I know of how to make it all stop. I get into an all or nothing mode, a give up mode, and I just throw up my hands up and head to the nearest fridge, cupboard, drive thru, vending machine...
I have so many other things to think about - no that's not an excuse - I don't do excuses - it is however a reality. Lily has at least 1-2 appointments a week, I work 40+ hours a week, and every night I have to load up a needle and stick it into my precious baby's leg. That alone has me shoving a few extra cookies and an extra glass of wine for good measure into my gullet.
And really, I have nothing else to say.
I'm not sure how to move past this.
Any ideas? Let me know. I'm all ears.