The WHOLE TruthMarch 20, 2014
Dear friends, or maybe no one, as I'm not sure who is still reading this blog. Honestly, I don't care (OK I probably do), as if I'm the only one that ever reads this, it is cathartic, and something I need to admit and release.
2-1/2 years ago I gave birth to my beautiful, unique Lily, and since then it's been a complete roller coaster ride of learning to cope with a child who has many extra medical needs.
I rode that coaster for the last year by doing nothing but eating my feelings of sadness, depression, and stress! Right now, I've on both an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety med to help me get through each day. This is the truth people, this is my life. I have been ashamed for over almost the last 2 years to admit to it. I feel brave today. I feel like emerging from the shadows. I'm done hiding behind my daughter's Turner Syndrome diagnosis and using it as an excuse to eat myself back to where I once started from.
As of Monday, I was only within 30 pounds of being back to my original weight when I first started this journey in 2008. I am beyond ashamed! I hate myself. I know I shouldn't hate myself, but right now I do. I'm a statistic now... I'm the one that is well on her way to gaining it all back. I don't want that, but yet I don't stop myself.
I get bad news... more ear infections, more surgeries, now strabismus, and patching needed for Lily's eyes. I hear: eat pie, eat cake, drink a Venti white mocha with whipped cream, drink wine. It will make you feel better, and honestly, it does. I'm not going to lie, this is how I coped the last 2 years. Eating... and it makes me feel better. But long term - I'm worse. I have knee pain, I can't walk up the stairs anymore without being winded, I can't get up and down from the floor easily to play with my kids. It makes me sad, overwhelmed, and ashamed, so I eat more.
You can see the cycle here.
In 2 days, I turn 37. I've spent my 30s going from nearly 300 lbs to 165 pounds, to the mid 200s again. I'm a wreck.
At the beginning of this year, I went through Rick Warren's "Daniel Plan" study with a small group. Even though, I continued my eating habits mentioned above during this study, I benefited from learning from these amazing people, making new friends, and realizing that I alone am powerless! Only through God's strength am I going to do this. I'm powerless in the face of this alone, but through HIS strength I am powerful! He loves me, no matter what my weight, but my body is a temple, and I'm treating it so unlike a temple right now.
That study has ended now, but through it I was encouraged to read, It Starts With Food. If you've ever heard of Whole30, or Paleo, that is what this book is about. But mostly it about healing yourself through choosing good, whole, foods. It turned my life upside down in ways that I didn't want to admit. I had so many of the symptoms the book mentioned. After much deliberation, I decided to start a Whole30 this past Monday, March 17th. I'm on day 4 now. This morning, the conversations in my head were startling. I woke up with chills, aches, and nausea, and I wasn't "sick". This is hard. I feel horrible. I want to quit.
So I came here. Because I know in my heart I don't want to quit, I know it my heart I can't do this to my body anymore. I am strong, I am brave, this is not hard compared to where I've been in my life.
I deserve so much more than the life I've been giving myself.
I deserve freedom from this sugar and food monster.
I deserve peace instead of stress
I deserve comfort that doesn't come from eating food.
I deserve to let go of the shame.
If you read this and have anything encouraging to say, today is the day I need to hear it. I will overcome, this is not going to defeat me!
If you want to follow along on my Whole30 journey or just see cute pics of my kids follow me on Instagram