And It Was Very GoodNovember 28, 2011
"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." -- Genesis 1:31
As I read a devotional this morning, this was the verse that came up. And while, the devotional was talking about something completely different than the thought that went through my head after I read those words, I felt completely hit between the eyes with this verse.
You see, I have been dealing with some major feelings of failure, self-esteem, inadequacy, ugliness... call it whatever you want it could just be summed up with: I don't like myself very much right now.
See, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm back to where I was the day I delivered Lily. Yes, stupid choice to step on it after the Thanksgiving weekend, but I needed the reality check to kick my butt into gear. I pretty much gave up this weekend, after having worked my tail off for 3 weeks to lose a measly .8 of a pound total, I just didn't have the motivation or the willpower to continue after weighing myself on Thursday morning. And so, I ate. I don't like what I see when I look at myself. I don't like the size on my pants, or the rolls that come over my jeans. I want to scream and cry when I see that number on the scale.
Then, feeding Lily is just so difficult. She is now 100% on soy formula, I'm not convinced it is helping but we were told we had to give it 2 full weeks, and we are just a little over a week in. Some days are better than others, but overall the girl doesn't like to eat! My husband seems more successful feeding her most of the time than I do, and that doesn't make me feel like a very adequate mom most days. I thought feeding time was supposed to be a bonding experience, but at our house it is 6-7 times a day of pure stress for me! I hate that my baby's early months are wasting away with me feeling like this. We are currently working with both a chiropractor and a speech therapist for her feeding issues. And for those wondering... I do plan on writing a post about feeding a baby with reflux, I just haven't made it there yet. As Lily's mother, I just feel there should be something I can do to help her, and I can't, so I feel like a failure of a mother.
Lately, in my house, it doesn't matter what I do, it never seems like I do the right thing. I say the wrong thing and get in a fight with my husband, or I don't get the cap tight enough on the bottle I'm mixing formula in, and I give myself a tasty soy formula shower. For the record, it tastes sweet and burns your eyes. I drop half a casserole in the bottom of the oven, and set off the smoke detectors, or I drop half the insides of a turkey breast on a rug in my kitchen. Sometimes I wonder when I will get a break.
I spent more time in tears over the last four days than I have since we found out about Lily at our 19 week appointment. And while I know that in the scheme of things, these things are the "small stuff", and they will pass, right now they have me feeling like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes me, especially myself!
The stress of seeing a number on the scale that scares me half to death, and Lily's often refusal to eat, leaves me as a ball of stress. Every day I doubt my abilities, doubt myself on being able to lose weight ever again, doubt myself as a mom. And it adds to the stress. And when I'm stressed... I eat, and a vicious cycle ensues. When I eat, I like myself even less, and so I eat some more.
I'm not telling you this so I can get sympathy. I'm just sharing where I'm at right now. Right now... I have no big ideas on what to do. But I can tell you that based on what I read this morning: "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." I, Sarah, was made by God, so... even though I'm not feeling it, I must be good.