And It Was Very Good

November 28, 2011

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." -- Genesis 1:31
As I read a devotional this morning, this was the verse that came up.  And while, the devotional was talking about something completely different than the thought that went through my head after I read those words, I felt completely hit between the eyes with this verse.

You see, I have been dealing with some major feelings of failure, self-esteem, inadequacy, ugliness... call it whatever you want it could just be summed up with:  I don't like myself very much right now. 

See, I stepped on the scale this morning, and I'm back to where I was the day I delivered Lily.  Yes, stupid choice to step on it after the Thanksgiving weekend, but I needed the reality check to kick my butt into gear.  I pretty much gave up this weekend, after having worked my tail off for 3 weeks to lose a measly .8 of a pound total, I just didn't have the motivation or the willpower to continue after weighing myself on Thursday morning.  And so, I ate.  I don't like what I see when I look at myself.   I don't like the size on my pants, or the rolls that come over my jeans.  I want to scream and cry when I see that number on the scale.

Then, feeding Lily is just so difficult.  She is now 100% on soy formula, I'm not convinced it is helping but we were told we had to give it 2 full weeks, and we are just a little over a week in.  Some days are better than others, but overall the girl doesn't like to eat!  My husband seems more successful feeding her most of the time than I do, and that doesn't make me feel like a very adequate mom most days.  I thought feeding time was supposed to be a bonding experience, but at our house it is 6-7 times a day of pure stress for me!  I hate that my baby's early months are wasting away with me feeling like this.  We are currently working with both a chiropractor and a speech therapist for her feeding issues.  And for those wondering... I do plan on writing a post about feeding a baby with reflux, I just haven't made it there yet.  As Lily's mother, I just feel there should be something I can do to help her, and I can't, so I feel like a failure of a mother.

Lately, in my house, it doesn't matter what I do, it never seems like I do the right thing.  I say the wrong thing and get in a fight with my husband, or I don't get the cap tight enough on the bottle I'm mixing formula in, and I give myself a tasty soy formula shower.  For the record, it tastes sweet and burns your eyes.  I drop half a casserole in the bottom of the oven, and set off the smoke detectors, or I drop half the insides of a turkey breast on a rug in my kitchen.  Sometimes I wonder when I will get a break. 

I spent more time in tears over the last four days than I have since we found out about Lily at our 19 week appointment.  And while I know that in the scheme of things, these things are the "small stuff", and they will pass, right now they have me feeling like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, and no one likes me, especially myself!

The stress of seeing a number on the scale that scares me half to death, and Lily's often refusal to eat, leaves me as a ball of stress.  Every day I doubt my abilities, doubt myself on being able to lose weight ever again, doubt myself as a mom.  And it adds to the stress.  And when I'm stressed... I eat, and a vicious cycle ensues.  When I eat, I like myself even less, and so I eat some more.

I'm not telling you this so I can get sympathy.  I'm just sharing where I'm at right now.  Right now... I have no big ideas on what to do.  But I can tell you that based on what I read this morning:  "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good."  I, Sarah, was made by God, so... even though I'm not feeling it, I must be good. 

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  1. You ARE good and you will get through this. I always pray that God continues to give you strength and lays his healing hands on Lily. Though it must be hard know, you'll get there.


  2. Hugs your way! You've got a lot on your plate right now. I am not a doctor, but I do know that lots of women struggle through the baby blues silently and alone, and I would encourage you to talk to your OBGYN about your feelings if you feel like these feelings of doubt are more than you can handle or are more than just the stress and frustration of your current situation. Know we are thinking of you, and I, for one, wish I could do something to help.

  3. Aww...hugs to you!! It will get better, I promise! God puts struggles in front of us for reasons that cannot be explained sometimes....You can do this girl, just get back at it and it will get better and you WILL lose the weight:) Stay strong.

  4. Of course you are good! I know you'll get your focus back soon. Make sure to take a few quiet moments for yourself. Often we don't realize when we're giving giving giving and that's when all the little mistakes seem to add up.

  5. I might not be dealing with new baby issues, but sometimes I swear you reached right into my head and pulled my thoughts out and put them here! I can tell from your blogs and photos that you are a great mom, I can tell because I can read the love that you have for your family pouring out into words, I can see that they are well dressed, well groomed and that you are their world. They have smiles on their faces and love in their eyes. I know the helpless feeling of not being able to help your babies, but this is not a failure when you compare to all of the many things you DO for them.

  6. I'm so sorry you are going through this! you aren't alone. I feel alot of those same feelings and I don't have the answer - other than saying I'm here for you, I know what you're going through, and I am sending lots of love and support for you. We can do this. We have done this before, we can do it again. One decision at a time.

  7. I think those feelings are normal. I've been feeling a lot of the same things. My sister made a slight critical comment to me last night and it pushed me over the edge. I sat down and just sobbed for two hours over my inadequacy at everything and have had a cry headache all day. Having a newborn is difficult for anyone let alone for someone who has been SO STRESSED the entire pregnancy like you have been. I don't really know you, yet somehow I know that you are a fantastic mother- because you care enough to worry that you're not. Praying for you! I hope some encouragement comes your way soon!


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