If you follow me on facebook or twitter, you'll know that last Thursday was my first weigh in at Weight Watchers since mid December.  It was not pretty... not pretty at all.

Up 7.8 pounds! 

So with that, looking back on 2012, I managed to lose 8 pounds all year.  8 stinking, stupid pounds.  I can just hear you now... at least you didn't gain 8 pounds.  True, true, and you know what?  You are right.  I accept the loss of those 8 pounds, and move on.  I weigh less than I did last year at this time, and although I wished I weighed even less, even 8 pounds is win.

All that said, I am not so happy with myself, and just ignoring the Weight Watchers plan since oh... maybe September.

And while it's so incredibly cliche it hurts my teeth.  It is a new year, a new start, and a new chance to succeed.  It feels good.  I got right back to it on Thursday with this weigh in, and I've been making good choices and tracking ever since... even through the weekend.  I am starting to get rid of the sugar high I've been on and try to really listen to my body.

2013 - What will I do with it?  What are my goals?

My goal is simple, and no its actually NOT about losing weight:
Eat for fuel, give my body the good fuel it deserves, and stop feeding it full of junk.

That's it... it's that easy.

And yet, we all know that it isn't that easy.  No... I'm not saying I'm going Paleo, or clean eating or anything like that, but I am trying to eat less garbage, more whole foods, more clean foods, less processed junk. 

And I'm hoping in the process I lose more weight.  My clothes don't fit, and I have several tubs of 10s and 8s I'd love to be in before 2014 hits!  I'm hoping in the process I make it back to my goal weight, and can finally stop paying for Weight Watchers once and for all.

So, the first specific goal I'm incorporating this week, is exactly what the Weight Watchers 360 program is asking us to do:  Eat a fruit/veggie as or with every snack.  It sounds easy.  It's not.
Case in point:  Last night, 10 pm on the couch.  I wanted ice cream, and no caramel sauce is not a fruit or veggie to add to it.  Instead I thought about it for a long time, no rash decisions were made.  And I finally decided I could live without ice cream - and I measured myself out a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, and some mandarin oranges to go with it.  It was tasty and satisfied what I was looking for without heading to the ice cream.

So there you have it.  My 2013 goal.
Welcome to 2013!  What's your goal for this year?

Again... so much I want to say, and so much time goes by as I struggle to get my thoughts into words that can come out of my hands.  It never seems quite right.  I start post after post and give up on myself. 

It simply comes down to this.  I AM STRUGGLING.

Lily turned 15 months old on Sunday.  I ask myself, how did that happen?  It seems like just yesterday she was a few months old, and we were struggling to even get her to drink one measly ounce out of a bottle.  Now she scoots around - still not walking but I know we will get there and I'm trying desperately to be patient and not wish her "baby" time away.  She eats lots of cheese, fruit, loves books, loves bath, and literally dances to all music she hears.  She is a toddler.  How did that happen? 

And I look at my weight this time last year, and I look at it now.  I've managed to lose 15 pounds the entire year.  UGH!  How did I let that happen?  With a 15 month old baby, I should still not be trying to lose the baby weight.  I should be at goal by now.  Somewhere around fall, I sort of stopped caring, and I've gained about 8 pounds back from where I was (which was down 20+ lbs) since then.  And you know what?  It doesn't bother me, and that scares me... A LOT!!!!!

I know I shouldn't be so harsh with myself, but I am.  You know, that is my nature.  And, yet, at the same time it is not my priority right now.  I have taken so many steps this year, to find myself again, and to love myself where I'm at, and stop defining myself and my worth by the number on a scale.  This has been hard work for me, and huge!  But at the same time the downside to this is some of that guilt, some of that definition was my motivation for losing weight, and now here I sit, less than a week before Christmas, and I will admit it is official - I have lost my motivation.  I don't have pounds to lose because I want another baby, and there's really no special events on the horizon, or clothes I want to fit into (I gave up thinking of my size 8s a long time ago).  I've really got nothing.

I've seen the insides of way too many fast food drive thrus in the past month.
I've grabbed way too many second helpings of food.
I've eaten so few fruits and veggies.
I've helped myself to snacks and candy I would have never before considered worth eating.
I've done nothing in the form of exercise except maybe haul in groceries from my car, or carry around Lily.
I've made fudge and 10 different kinds of cookies, and I've eaten them.

I'm struggling, and the further I get down, the less I know of how to make it all stop.  I get into an all or nothing mode, a give up mode, and I just throw up my hands up and head to the nearest fridge, cupboard, drive thru, vending machine...

I have so many other things to think about - no that's not an excuse - I don't do excuses - it is however a reality.  Lily has at least 1-2 appointments a week, I work 40+ hours a week, and every night I have to load up a needle and stick it into my precious baby's leg.  That alone has me shoving a few extra cookies and an extra glass of wine for good measure into my gullet.

And really, I have nothing else to say.
I'm here.
I'm struggling.
I'm not sure how to move past this.
Any ideas?  Let me know.  I'm all ears.

Yes, I've disappeared, and I did want to pop by and let all of you know that I'm OK, Lily is OK.  In the last 2 months, I've simply become overcome with work, and something had to go.  I have missed writing, and so much has happened that I want to share.  I'll be done with this craziness after November and I hope to begin posting regularly again!

I do post to facebook, even when I'm not posting to the blog, so come over and like my page!

As we inch closer and closer to Thanksgiving, I wanted to share with you what my 5 year "L" did for his homework last night.  We had to talk about what it means to be thankful, and then we were supposed to decide together what our family was MOST thankful for.  A pretty big task for a 5 year old.  Anyways... I asked him what he thought our family should be most thankful for, and he came up with this completely on his own.

This boy makes my heart melt with his love and empathy for others.



Many blessing for Thanksgiving to all of you.  I pray for you that the God that has blessed my family so immensely has also blessed yours, and you take time to reflect on everything you have!

Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I last wrote.  I guess I wanted to keep Lily's birthday video up as long as possible!  I hope you enjoyed it.  Her birthday party was amazing... fit for a princess with lots of friends and family to help her celebrate.  There will be pictures coming.  I promise!

Since then things have been crazy around here.  There were the 1 and 5 year old appointments to be had for both kiddos.  And we've all been sick.  Tuesday was actually the first day in a week and a half that everyone was back at daycare/school/work!

On top of it all I've been working, working, and working some more.  And so... the blog and sadly Weight Watchers in general has been a little a lot neglected.  I'm lucky that I'm holding steady, but I've been around the same 2 pounds - still 20 pounds to go back to goal - now for pretty much the entire summer.  I need to break on through, and at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses, I just can't seem to make it happen right now with all the extra "stuff" going on.  Weight Watchers before Lily, and Weight Watchers after Lily is sure a different experience. 

Initially I was so "not OK" with that.  I was angry with my results.  But I've come to accept that this is a different journey than it was before, and this time it is going to take me longer, and so I've made peace with that fact, even if I still feel frustrated at times.

Next week, I am off to North Carolina again for appointments with Lily - similar to what we did back in April.  Lily and I will be taking a little vacation after the appointments to the beach.  We are so ready for a break, and some time in the sand and sun.

My vacation plan is to simple and something that CWWL (Crazy Weight Watchers Leader if you need a reminder) taught me.  If you are simply replacing a "normal" meal that you'd eat, eat like you would at home.  If it's a celebration, than take the time to eat what you enjoy.  I think that's amazing advice for a balanced life!

Baby girl.  Today you are 1.  It seems like just yesterday that after weeks, weeks of waiting and waiting to see what would happen with you, that you were finally born.  All the worry and prayers wrapped up in a tiny little 5 lb 9 oz package.  You were perfect!  OK, so you were missing 1 chromosome, but you had a perfect little heart, a perfect little face, your mama's nose. 

Our healing came, all the while other mama's didn't get their healing.  Our miracle was granted, and I will never understand why us... why you.  You are made for bigger things baby girl.  You will do amazing things.  How I was ever worthy of being your mama I will never know.  I am blessed beyond measure, and I am humbled to have been chosen.

You amaze me every day.  You are standing up to things and cruising around, you have 4 teeth.   Last night you told your daddy you were "awe done" at the end of dinner.  You already hate bottles and love your sippy cup and "real milk". 

Today we celebrate you Lily!  Something I never thought I'd get to do.  God is so faithful!

On your birthday there isn't much more I can think of saying that I haven't already said somewhere over the past year.  So instead I put together this video... chronicling your story.  My wish is that it is shared over and over until it goes viral.  That everyone can know how great is our God!


And don't forget you can still donate in Lily's honor to the Turner Syndrome Society