That is Not my StruggleMay 24, 2011
I feel the need to clear something up. It is something that is just laying heavy on my own heart. I am not being defensive; this is just something I feel needs to be put out there.
This baby is 100% wanted and loved, regardless of any disabilities, differences, or difficulties that may come along with that. I desperately want to be given the opportunity to be a mom to this baby, to love her, to raise her, to encourage her, despite any difficulties or challenges that may come along with that. I am 100% appreciative of all the wonderful, personal stories of your own children or people you know that may have had a similar diagnosis/situation. Please don’t stop sending them, it is encouraging to me, and I reread many of the messages I have received over the past week daily.
But… that is NOT my struggle.
I struggle daily with the fact that the chances of this baby being given an opportunity to even live are slim at best. Do you know what its like to be carrying a baby around in your body 24 hours a day as a part of yourself that has been given a death sentence? It’s horrible. It's exhausting. It's dark and depressing! It NEVER leaves your mind. NEVER. Brutally honest - It is by far the worst place I've ever been in my 34 years. I am constantly monitoring movements, and when I don’t feel the baby for an hour, I start freaking out. It’s really a horrifying place to be. Constant fear, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It makes for one exhausted, drained, and crabby person. Some days I wonder how I can continue like this. It makes every day a constant struggle - A struggle for hope, a struggle for just finding a few moments of peace.
Yet, somehow in a haze, I have made it through the last 12 days. Some days I really don't know how, but I am happy I have made it 12 days, and I know I have 9 more days left until the next ultrasound, where my expectations will again be reset. I am both terrified and longing for that day.
I love this little girl… no matter what.
I wish my love and pain could fix her, because I have so much of both. I wish I could fast forward to a further point in my pregnancy where it would be safe for her to be delivered, so doctors could help her better. Right now I can't fix anything, but I do know that I am not one bit fearful of a future of raising her, I am fearful of a future without her at all.
That is my reality… and so I sit and wait for the unknown. Knowing there are so many thoughts and prayers. Feeling all of your love, and at the same time feeling VERY VERY alone.