I'm going to share something that is hard for me, but I'm ready to share it, and I think sharing it will help me work on it even more.

I'm a comparer.

According to Merriam-Webster compare is:
"to examine the character or qualities of especially in order to discover resemblances or differences.  
"to view in relation to"

comparer is a noun made of this verb.  I checked, because initally I thought I might have actually made the word up.  It would describe a person that does the above.

I am a comparer.
I compare myself to those that are thinner... and those that are fatter.
I compare the speed of my weight loss to before Lily and after Lily.
I compare my "fat pants" to my size 8s.
I compare what I eat now vs. what I used to eat.
I compare the size of my butt to the person walking in front of me.

and I also...
compare the height of my son to those he stands next to in his spring program.
compare his mood one day to the next.
compare the amount he eats to other kids his age.

and then...
I compare Lily's size to other 6 month olds.
I compare the volume of what Lily eats to other 6 month olds.
I compare every single thing that Lily does or does not do... gag, grab toys, make sounds, sit, roll over, length of naps... the list goes on and on to other 6 month olds.
And... I compare her to other girls that don't have Turner Syndrome.
And sometimes, it leaves me feeling sad, empty, and worried.

In fact when I compare about any of the above categories I feel this way.  I feel like I'm not losing weight fast enough - even though in 13 weeks I've lost 15.5 pounds.  I feel like I'll never get back into my skinny pants.  I feel like my son will never eat enough, and yet is much taller than 1 person, and much shorter than another.

I'm a compulsive comparer, and you know what it buys me... nothing!  Nothing but worry and heartache, and often a lot of jealousy (sad but true).

I have to stop.  It never makes me happy.  My kids will always be on the low end of size, and my weight loss appears that it will always be slow and steady.  And no matter how many hours of the day these thoughts take... the thoughts will not change anything.

It is what it is.
And so... I am working on not comparing and not caring about that type of thing.

There once was a little baby.  He was 3 pounds, 4 oz and 16 inches long.  I thought he would never ever get bigger... but you know what?  He did!

"L" All grown up!

And there was once a tiny princess.   She weighed 10 lbs 12 oz for 2 months and her weight never seem to increase, even by 1 ounce.  And her mommy worried and shed many hours of agonizing tears over it, but you know what?  Those tears didn't change anything... and she was happy and loved, so in the end her small size didn't really matter.

My tiny princess!

And then her mommy found out that the tiny little princess for 6 months old was meeting all of her developmental milestones, and the mommy declared the tiny little princess a tiny genius... and for one day, she felt better... until she started the comparison game again.  See... slippery slope, that really in the end means nothing!

Comparison of ourselves or our kids to others... it buys us nothing.  And so, I'm stopping it.  Every time I catch myself doing it... thinking it, I will remind myself that it won't matter... in 5 years, whether my child was 10 lbs 12 oz at 6 months or 20 lbs at 6 months.  Whether she sat by herself at 6 months or 9, 10 , or even 12 months... it just won't matter.  Time is fleeting, so instead of comparing, I will remind myself to sit back and enjoy her just the way she is - at just the size she is.  To enjoy this precious, amazing time and stop the comparing, stop the worrying.

My son has a nightly preschool devotion that we read, and this was last night's:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it"  Psalm 139:13-14 NLT

You know God loves you.  But did you know he loved you even before you were born?  God's the one who made you and put you together inside your mom.  God's the one who decided what color your eyes should be and how long your nose should be.  God made you very carefully so you'd be just right.  And you are!"

OK, that's pretty profound for a preschooler's devotional.  And boy... it spoke to my heart. 

Regardless of how much I compare, God made Lily very carefully so she'd be just right... and SHE IS!!!!!  She is right for her, and not compared to anyone else on earth!

And so... I'm working on giving up my comparer status.  Praying that it is removed from me, and I can come to accept things as is, the way that they are, because they are just right.

I We made it!  It’s the last day of February and Turner Syndrome Awareness month is officially coming to a close.  I first want to thank everyone for reading!  Putting together 29 days of posts has been a challenge, but one that I enjoyed immensely.  I’m certainly glad that February only has 29 days though!  I am so grateful to all of those that helped by guest posting.  My hope is that you learned something new, and that you will be able to use that knowledge, either now or in the future, to help someone else.

In conclusion of this special month, I wanted to talk a moment about what it has been like for me to be Lily’s mother.  It is the new identity that I've taken on over this past year, and it has shaped me and changed my life in countless ways... both good and bad.

This time last year a tiny bean was growing in my belly.

Tiny Bean- 6 weeks

I had amazing hopes for my pregnancy, amazing hopes for her.  I was as healthy as I had ever been, and I was convinced that my pregnancy would go swimmingly.  I was anticipating with joy a normal birth weight baby – after my preemie son was born 3 lbs 4 oz, 4 years earlier.  Innocent friends and family joked that I’d probably have a 10 punder this time.  I actually wanted that!  And yes, I was having a repeat C-section so that was easier for me to say. 

Deep down though I had some fear.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but there was always something in the back of my mind I was unsettled about.  Call it intuiton, or maybe call it PTSD from my previous pregnancy, but whatever you call it, that fear was rationalized at our 19 week ultrasound.  I remember first hearing the term cystic hygroma that day.  For days afterwards I couldn’t even remember how to pronounce that stupid word, let alone begin to understand it.  I also first heard Turner Syndrome that day, was offered an amnio, and was told I could make a decision to terminate my pregnancy if I wanted to.



Despite  being dragged to this place (sometimes kicking and screaming) I am convinced this is my calling.  I am certain of it, and I am validated nearly weekly now.  Last week it was the early invention nurse commenting on what a strong advocate I seem to be for Lily – even though we had only been talking for 5 minutes.  It was the doctor that listened to me about the medication interfering with her reflux, and spending an extra minute with me to let me educate her on some Turner Syndrome aspects.



Now, I’m not saying I’m a patron saint – far be it!  But I do think that God made me with laughter, barely any patience, a strong sense of independence, and yes, some (ok, maybe a lot) of selfishness.  I’ve always been what I’ll lovingly refer to as “feisty”.  I now know that many of my experiences in the past 34 years of life have been grooming me for this moment, and while I never chose this for myself, I accept it, because even in the hardest of times, it is still an honor and a blessing that I’ve been chosen to be Lily’s mom!

So Lily... all of this past month is for you.  I love you... Love, your Mom

Princess Lily - 5 months

Final Note:  I'm tired!  Really tired.  Lily's been sick twice this month, and "L" once.  After blogging for the past 29 days straight, I'm going to be taking a minor break - a week or so - away from blogging to love on my sweet family, and catch up on sleep ... and life.  I'll be back next week!

Happy Belated Independence Day!  We were so incredibly busy having fun and soaking in the sun over the past 3 days that I totally forgot to blog! 
My weekend?  Amazing!  The weather was perfect, we saw a parade, and "L" and I made this:

Its this recipe... Yes it was a ton of work, but amazingly delicious, and no it is probably something you don't want to know the Points Plus values for.
This weekend I took the time to celebrate my freedom.  Freedom from what?
-- From constantly thinking about the issues with my pregnancy and our baby girl, and just loving life for a few days - eating BBQ ribs, watching a parade, roasting smores, and running in the sprinkler
-- From thinking about food constantly (yes I know I get a pass this year as I'm pregnant), and just trying to be conscious about portions, making sure what I am eating is fresh (see above cheesecake, no artificial ingredients there), tastes amazing, and is always in moderation!
-- Guilt (mommy guilt, food guilt, weight guilt, not writing on blog guilt).

I also thank God I live in a country that allows me to express my opinions and live my life the way I want to live it!  Happy Birthday USA!

At the same time I celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary yesterday.  13 years ago on July 4, 1998 I married my best friend.  When you say wedding vows there is usually something in there about for better and for worse.  Well... there have been lots of "betters", but in the past several years, we seem to have had our share of "worsts".  During the betters, life is easy, marriage is easy.  Thinking about it, I am certainly glad though that through the worsts I have my husband by my side.  I cannot imagine doing any of this without him, or with someone else.  Hopefully in the near future we'll be able to enjoy the betters together once again.

Did anyone see the study from earlier this week that Being a Parent May Result in Weight Gain?
Apparently, if you are a parent to a child or children under the age of 5 you are more likely to have a higher BMI and a lower level activity than people that are not parents, or not parents to children under the age of 5.

That scares me. I mean, I WAS that statistic – now have battled it, and am left wondering if I will be that statistic again. It is overwhelming to me at this point to think of finding time to make a healthy, whole meal, yet alone time for deliberate exercise while being a mom to 2 kids under 5!

So like anything I’ve been thinking the past few days, since seeing this article, how will I handle this when I have 2?

Here are a few things I came up with. It isn’t rocket science, but I think it’s important to plan and be deliberate:

Plan Meals – I need to make sure I continue to plan the meals that we will have weekly, and make sure to have the food in the house to readily make those meals. I think that cooking some things ahead on the weekend to allow for quick meals come dinner time will be important. I think it’s also important to have healthy snack options on hand at all times. I have the book- Fix, Freeze, Feast - and I plan on trying to do more freezer cooking before the baby is born this fall too.

Find a way to move my body every day – Not a ton of explanation needed here, but I need to move every day. Maybe this is parking farther away at the store, or taking extra stairs. Maybe it is a quick walk with kids in the stroller. Hey, it could even be some push ups or sit-ups while watching TV. It may be a while before I can get back to the scheduled gym workouts but that doesn’t mean I have an excuse to be a couch potato.

Play together as a family – Wow, what a simple, but important concept, don’t you think? I want my family to play together, even after Baby #2 is born. I want to be the mom that is outside playing catch with my son, and running around the backyard. We should make an effort to go on walks together – with baby in the stroller, and also hit up the playground regularly.

Breastfeed – I’m planning on trying to breastfeed as long as I can during the baby’s first year. With “L”, I made it about 8-9 months. I had lots of issues, since he was a preemie; it was NOT an easy road! I know that breastfeeding is very beneficial to helping mothers get back to their pre-pregnancy weight.

According to Dr. Sears “Breastfeeding mothers showed significantly larger reductions in hip circumference and more fat loss by one month postpartum when compared with formula-feeding moms. Breastfeeding mothers tend to have an earlier return to their pre-pregnant weight.” Source

Sounds good to me! I know breastfeeding mothers get more Points Plus values on Weight Watchers too! Win win.

Have Goals – If there is anything I learned when I first starting running nearly a year ago, it was to have specific goals. Challenging yourself is so important. If you don’t have goals, it’s hard to have motivation to get yourself moving, or make healthy choices when it comes right down to it. I will certainly have a goal to get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight, and then my pre-pregnancy weight after the baby is born. I also want to have an exercise goal. I haven’t decided specifically what that is yet, but I know I will have to think of something specific to get myself in gear again.

As parents, we are faced with unique challenges every single day. I won’t lie – it’s stressful! But, I don’t think there is a better gift that you can give your young one(s) than the gift of demonstrating for them what it means to be healthy for life.

Consider your own life – if you are a parent, what changes can you make in your life to make sure you don’t become – or stay a statistic.

It doesn’t seem quite possible that it was twelve years ago that I walked down the aisle with my dad to meet a smiling, young, man at the altar. I often wonder what it would have been like to not have been the “fat bride”.
Who is that confident looking person? I barely know her. She kind of looks like she owns the place doesn’t she? And sometimes… well… sometimes she feels like she almost does.
This past weekend, not only did I wear this smoking hot dress, but I also got up in front of a room of about 65ish people, and MC'd a wedding. This next statement may sound a bit ridiculous and I’ve thought a lot about this over the past couple of days, but I really don’t think I could have done that 116 pounds ago. The list of reasons is long, but definitely includes both the physical – I probably couldn’t have been on my feet that long – to the emotional – I wouldn’t have had enough confidence to carry myself and command a room the way I needed to.

Do people treat me differently now than 116 pounds ago?
You bet! 
I’ll never know for sure, but that absolutely plays a part in it.