Just RightMarch 27, 2012
I'm going to share something that is hard for me, but I'm ready to share it, and I think sharing it will help me work on it even more.
I'm a comparer.
According to Merriam-Webster compare is:
"to examine the character or qualities of especially in order to discover resemblances or differences.
"to view in relation to"
comparer is a noun made of this verb. I checked, because initally I thought I might have actually made the word up. It would describe a person that does the above.
I am a comparer.
I compare myself to those that are thinner... and those that are fatter.
I compare the speed of my weight loss to before Lily and after Lily.
I compare my "fat pants" to my size 8s.
I compare what I eat now vs. what I used to eat.
I compare the size of my butt to the person walking in front of me.
and I also...
compare the height of my son to those he stands next to in his spring program.
compare his mood one day to the next.
compare the amount he eats to other kids his age.
I compare Lily's size to other 6 month olds.
I compare the volume of what Lily eats to other 6 month olds.
I compare every single thing that Lily does or does not do... gag, grab toys, make sounds, sit, roll over, length of naps... the list goes on and on to other 6 month olds.
And... I compare her to other girls that don't have Turner Syndrome.
And sometimes, it leaves me feeling sad, empty, and worried.
In fact when I compare about any of the above categories I feel this way. I feel like I'm not losing weight fast enough - even though in 13 weeks I've lost 15.5 pounds. I feel like I'll never get back into my skinny pants. I feel like my son will never eat enough, and yet is much taller than 1 person, and much shorter than another.
I'm a compulsive comparer, and you know what it buys me... nothing! Nothing but worry and heartache, and often a lot of jealousy (sad but true).
I have to stop. It never makes me happy. My kids will always be on the low end of size, and my weight loss appears that it will always be slow and steady. And no matter how many hours of the day these thoughts take... the thoughts will not change anything.
It is what it is.
And so... I am working on not comparing and not caring about that type of thing.
There once was a little baby. He was 3 pounds, 4 oz and 16 inches long. I thought he would never ever get bigger... but you know what? He did!
|"L" All grown up!|
And there was once a tiny princess. She weighed 10 lbs 12 oz for 2 months and her weight never seem to increase, even by 1 ounce. And her mommy worried and shed many hours of agonizing tears over it, but you know what? Those tears didn't change anything... and she was happy and loved, so in the end her small size didn't really matter.
|My tiny princess!|
Comparison of ourselves or our kids to others... it buys us nothing. And so, I'm stopping it. Every time I catch myself doing it... thinking it, I will remind myself that it won't matter... in 5 years, whether my child was 10 lbs 12 oz at 6 months or 20 lbs at 6 months. Whether she sat by herself at 6 months or 9, 10 , or even 12 months... it just won't matter. Time is fleeting, so instead of comparing, I will remind myself to sit back and enjoy her just the way she is - at just the size she is. To enjoy this precious, amazing time and stop the comparing, stop the worrying.
My son has a nightly preschool devotion that we read, and this was last night's:
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it" Psalm 139:13-14 NLT
You know God loves you. But did you know he loved you even before you were born? God's the one who made you and put you together inside your mom. God's the one who decided what color your eyes should be and how long your nose should be. God made you very carefully so you'd be just right. And you are!"
OK, that's pretty profound for a preschooler's devotional. And boy... it spoke to my heart.
Regardless of how much I compare, God made Lily very carefully so she'd be just right... and SHE IS!!!!! She is right for her, and not compared to anyone else on earth!
And so... I'm working on giving up my comparer status. Praying that it is removed from me, and I can come to accept things as is, the way that they are, because they are just right.