What does a Halloween morning run outside in Minnesota look like?

Thanks to my awesome sister-in-law for the Olympic mittens!

WOW!  I much prefer the Before picture

I've never run outside when it has been this cold before, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  I'll admit the scarf was over the top.  In fact I threw it to my husband as I walked out the door, but I really did need the hat and gloves for about 90% of the way.  I ran 2.9 miles in 30 minutes.  I have to say I much prefer running in the cold in Minnesota to running in the heat!

Have an awesome Halloween.  I'll be back tomorrow with pictures of my sweet little boy in his costume and the pumpkins we carved!

Before I go I want to give you my best advice for Halloween?  Buy yourself a couple of killer pieces of chocolate - Godiva anyone? - and make that your special treat when everyone else is gorging on cheap candy.  Remember that Halloween candy was likely packaged around Easter... yuck!

(sing it with me now) ah ah ah ah stayin' the same a a ame!

That's me...I have been within .2 of a pound of the same weight for the past 2 weeks.  I know I'm a lifetime member, but I'm not completely on maintenance yet, so this is NOT really a desired result.  Although I agree it is much better than up.  I'd like to lose another 12.5 pounds before I give up losing for good. 

So as I reflect back on these 2 weeks... what is keeping me from seeing the scale go down?  Well... mostly that I was attacked by some chocolate chips, and that I am taking really small licks and tastes of stuff here and there and not feeling the need to track it.  These are commonly known, at least in the Weight Watchers world, as BLTS - Bites, Licks, and Tastes.

I've never really had a problem with BLTs throughout this journey until a few weeks ago.  If I'm being completely honest with myself I see a lick of honey here, a handle full of chocolate chips there, 2 cashews, 4 honey roasted peanuts, a finger in the Nutella jar, eating the crust off "L"s toast, a pita chip swiped in cream cheese, an extra ounce of wine in the glass... etc. etc. etc.  All little - insignificant alone - but together certainly adding up.  I need to get rid of these BLTs to get these last 12 pounds off.  So what am I going to do?

Well... for starters I'm making sure there are no more half open bags of chocolate chips, candy etc around me.  That will definitely help.  But I'm also going to remind myself whenever I find myself with a finger in the Nutella jar... that if I want something to eat, that's OK, but I should take it out, measure it, put it on a plate and count my points.  For some reason I think if I eat it out of the jar it ceases to have calories - oh if only that were true... the world would be a better place, right?  Forcing myself to "plate it" will make eating it more real to me.  Real enough to track and count. 

So here's to my battle against BLTs this week!

Do you have problems with BLTs??  If so what are some strategies you use to keep your fingers out of the Nutella jar?

Have an awesome Halloween weekend!

Just a short note to let everyone know that I've updated the recipes section of my website to consolidate the recipes I've posted so far on this blog.  I'll be adding even more in the coming days and weeks.  I only want to post stuff for you that is tried and true, so please be patient with me.  I'm also working on adding pictures of the existing recipes, as well as making sure pictures are provided for any new recipes.

ENJOY!

Ironic that the label says 'CHUNKY'!

I had a run in with some chocolate chips last night. I was the running back just trying to make it into the end zone, and out of nowhere these chocolate chips tackled me. Can you even believe that?  I'll admit, it was a clean tackle. There were no penalties. I wasn’t running quite fast enough, and the other people on my team weren’t blocking for me. Then once I had been hit the chocolate chips, I figured I was already knocked down, and in my weak state the honey roasted peanuts finished me off (Ok, seriously honey roasted peanuts and chocolate chips taste amazing together, but I digress). This was NOT a dream, unfortunately - True Story.


Do you ever feel like that? You are doing great - running into the end zone for your touchdown and then bam out of nowhere you get hit. Maybe it is some trigger food calling you from the cupboard, or maybe your husband/wife/kids leaves an open bag of your favorite chips on the counter, or maybe its bigger than that - your kid is sick or in the hospital, or you are feeling sad because you can’t get a job, have a baby, get a date, fill in the blank with your own “tragedy of the moment”. Then since you are already down…you figure well… I just as well finish myself off, and you keep going, because what's the point anymore now?. Maybe you finish yourself off for a day, or a week… maybe a couple of months, or maybe just maybe a couple of years. Some might call this “falling off the wagon”. Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean the only person we are hurting is ourselves.

It’s funny… we’d never stumble on one step and because of that throw our entire body head first down the stairs, would we? But yet we do this over and over in weight loss. We screw up one meal; just as well throw the day out, right? We screw up one day and just as well throw the whole week out, and once the week’s gone, just throw the whole month out. On and on it goes until we are back to where we started from, or worse… higher than where we started from. I’ve been there… and done that. I spent between 2000 and 2008 doing that. I have 8 good years of practice, so I think I actually qualify as an expert, right?

How can we reverse this cycle?
Well… I’ll tell you what I did. I determined that I would only focus on ONE meal at a time. I wouldn’t group my day together as a whole. At any time during the day I could “start over” if I wanted to. There was always the next meal to make better choices. I would never ever “wait until Monday” again. Admit it… how many of you have said, “I’ll start over again next Monday?”

STOP IT and Start today… Start right now this minute!

Think about where you might be one year from now if you started today.

You could be 50 pounds or even maybe 100 pounds down!

You could be at goal.

Your life could be changed.

Don’t you want that for yourself? Don’t you deserve it?

So what did I do after the chocolate chips tackled me last night and the honey roasted peanuts hit me while I was still down? I took my vitamins, drank a glass of water, forgave myself, and went to bed. This morning I woke up and ate a sensible breakfast and had an appropriate lunch. I’m planning on a healthy soup for dinner. Even if the chocolate chips attack me again tonight or the next day, I know that I’ve learned enough in the past 2 years to know that I will never “wait until next Monday” again.

Sorry about this everyone... just still trying to make sure this is coming through to my feed.  The last one did not :(

I am very excited to announce that you can now access my blog directly through http://www.fatlittlelegs.com/!
I am excited to own my own domain now, and hope this makes accessing things easier for you.

Also, I am now publishing my RSS feed with feedburner.  I don't believe any action should be required if you already subscribe.  Everything should be setup to forward automatically to the new feed, but I'm new at these things, so if you have any issues with the feed please email me and let me know.

Thanks!

I weighed in today. Up .2 of a pound. Whatever... I am completely indifferent towards it. I want to lose 12 more pounds, but during this past week that hasn't been my focus. I did what I should be doing... but I know that I had too many BLTs (Bites Licks and Tastes) that I was not honest with myself about. It is a new week and I'm moving on. I'd like to definitely make it into the 160s in the next few weeks, and then as the holidays approach I've been thinking that my goal will be to maintain... but more to come on that as the time approaches.

Thank you for everyone that commented on my last post. The support I felt was instantaneous... and appreciated. I was feeling low last night. I'm sure I will be at that point again, but I will try to move on more quickly next time.
There was this man at the gym this morning. He was relatively thin, healthy-looking, and seemed injury-free. He got on the treadmill and walked at like 1.5 mph for maybe 10ish minutes. My initial thought was "Wow buddy way to go on the hard work" (as I sweated out 3 miles at 5.6 mph on the treadmill. And then I thought wow... you are being really mean, judgemental, and stupid. I mean, I don't know his story, just like he doesn't know mine.

I wore a fabulous black wrap dress today with kick ass boots! It was from Target. Its this one. I need to get a picture, but my husband has been working too late this week, and my 3 year old is not great at taking pictures... yet.  I think I want to buy the one in blue too.

Chicken Baseballs... the next time I make them I promise pictures (as requested by a couple of people). I always mean to take pictures of things, and then I forget, and it is eaten. Oops!

And with that... I'm out!

I've been thinking a lot about failure and trust this week. Specifically the past failure of my body and now my resulting inability to trust it! William D Brown said, "Failure is an event, never a person." The past failure of my body does not make ME a failure. It was simply a series of EVENTS that happened in the past.


So why do I mistrust my body? Well... pretty much ever since I can remember I have been battling Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - widely known as PCOS. It has caused me to stop ovulating making it impossible for me to conceive a child without "help." It also makes me prone to miscarriages. People with PCOS have a 50% rate of miscarriage. In addition to the PCOS, once I got pregnant with my son "L", my body failed to appropriately nourish him, causing him to be born with Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR) at 35 weeks, and giving me HELLP syndrome. On top of all of that my body doesn't process sugars correctly giving me both gestational diabetes during pregnancy, and insulin resistance outside of pregnancy.

Yeah... So as you can see I have some valid reasons for the complete mistrust of my body. I guess since I posted this, it isn't necessarily a secret that my husband and I have decided to try and have another child. This is not a decision we came upon lightly - due to all the past difficulties, along with the physical and emotional pain of my past pregnancies. Tonight I was reminded of how this new journey is going to be for me. You'd think that 4 years would have erased it all. But it clearly hasn't. All of the struggles of the past came rushing back to me as I sat in the bathroom tonight with a Dixie cup of pee and a small stick in my hand. NO it is not what you think. I was NOT taking a pregnancy test. I was taking an OPK - otherwise known as an ovulation predictor kit for those of you lucky enough to never need one (wish I knew how that felt even for one moment). The test was negative. It should at least be moving towards positive any day now... and it isn't. So far everything points to NO.

NO, you will not be normal.

NO, you will not ovulate.

NO, weight loss did NOT help you in this area.

NO more kids for you! (OK, I had a brief flash of Seinfeld's Soup Nazi there for a moment... but I digress).

I so desperately want to be normal for once. I so desperately want my body to work as it was intended to. I hate it. I mistrust it. It fails me, and in turn I feel like a COMPLETE failure!

I know, I know, I just need to relax you say, give my body some time to adjust to being off of synthetic hormones, I need to stress less, and have fun, I need to appreciate what I have - this wonderful, beautiful, little boy (and I so so so do):

But I just can't trust that my body will ever work. That he'll ever have a sibling, that anything will ever change for me, and that makes me incredibly sad. It's a sadness that slowly trickles through you body and kind of feels like it is tearing every muscles as it ripples through you. No, its not sadness... its more like despair.

I'm trying to be positive - unlike my pee stick - but sometimes I feel I have nothing to hold on to. With all the failures of the past, how likely is a success. I'm trying desperately to believe that I have done all that I can do, I must trust my body to work as intended, and give the rest up to a higher power.

But for now... me and my pee cup sit alone, and we wait and wait and wait some more, and both of us try so desperately to be positive.

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now, and do it." -- William Durant, founder of General Motors

This is one of my family's favorites.  It's what my made my little "L" last week for dinner the day of his MRI.  He gobbles it up every time!  Its easy and quick to make too.

Chicken Baseballs
Serves 4 huge servings, or 8 regular size servings
4 servings (whole one) = 10 Points Plus each
8 servings (half of one) = 5 Points Plus each

2 cups shredded cooked chicken
1 package reduced fat cream cheese
1/2 Tbsp minced dried onion, rehydrated in a couple of Tbsp of water
2 Tbsp milk
salt and pepper to taste
1 roll of reduced fat crescent rolls

In a bowl mix together the chicken, cheese, onion, milk, and salt and pepper. 

Separate the crescent rolls into 4 squares on a cookie sheet and pat each out to make bigger.  Put a quarter of the filling on each and fold up the sides so it makes a little round package.  Bake on 350 for around 30 minutes.  I usually eat 1/2 of one of these, along with baked sweet potato and steamed broccoli. YUM!

This past week was both one of the best and one of the worst weeks of my life. 
Let's recap:
1) Appointment where my doctor erased obesity from my medical record - SCORE!
2) 3 year old has sedated brain MRI
3) Hit Lifetime goal at Weight Watchers
4) Waiting, waiting, and waiting some more for MRI results
5) Was the receipt of an absolutely gorgeous, prize winning quilt made my my uber talented brother in law Brian
6) The absolutely wonderful news that my little boy is 100% A-OK!

So... I've needed a few days to recover.  You can see why, I'm sure.  And now I think I can finally write THE POST.  The one where I tell you all about what it is like after 2 years of being on this journey to finally be a Weight Watchers Lifetime member. 

So... what I have to tell you might shock you.  It is exactly like being on the non-lifetime losing side of Weight Watchers, except I don't have to pay as long as I stay at/below my goal weight.  For now I want to lose about another 12 pounds, but even after that is gone, and I'm truly on maintenance I plan on still counting my points, weighing in near weekly whenever possible, and exercising 5-6 days a week.  This is my life now, and I would not trade it for anything!

But let's back up.  Two years ago from yesterday - the 16th of October 2008 - I walked into my first Weight Watchers meeting.  It's still the one I go to - still the same leader.  I signed up and walked up to the scale and weighed.  It was my first time meeting CCWL.  I know neither of us knew that this was the beginning of the end... of maybe the end of the beginning - I guess it depends on how you are looking at it.  I stepped on the scale that day and I weighed 281.4 pounds.  Yep... I have now disclosed my true before weight.  I've always disclosed how much I lost, but never how much I weighed.  I figure if knowing can help even one person stay the course, then any embarrassment I feel at that number is ten times worth it.  And, since my weight no longer defines me, I am telling myself I am OK with it all.  Anyways... I digress.

That day I felt hope, but I also felt completely overwhelmed at the task that was now in front of me.  My doctor had asked me to get to at least 175 pounds as a goal weight.  I needed to lose 106.4 pounds to reach 175 pounds.  It seemed like an insurmountable task.  But never once did I think "I can't do this."  Never once did I consider giving up.  I took 5 pounds at a times, and  I did that 21 times.  21 gold stars can now be counted on my bookmark.  21, 5 pound losses. 

Thursday as I sat in my meeting and listened as my CCWL read an excerpt from my Erasure post, I honestly felt that it could not be happening to me.  As she read my own words about the quiet moment with my doctor, how there was no confetti (cue confetti being now tossed all over me) and no trumpets (cue the whistle from another lifetime member who lost 100+ pounds from the back row), I realized that I am NOT the same person that started this journey 2 years ago.  I am completely different.  I am not the same inside and I am not the same outside.  People will question this... I know it... but until you have lost 100+ pounds you cannot begin to understand how it changes you, how it changes your reaction to the world/people around you.  The same things are no longer important to me.  I carry myself completely differently.  I smile at strangers, I dare to do things I never would have before, I enjoy dressing up and looking good, I enjoy a good run, and the feel of sweat down my back.  I am NOT the same.  I am forever changed.  I am a Lifetime Weight Watchers member.

On that day in October 2 years ago I decided that I alone would be responsible for my success or failure.  This was my game to play.  I could either play it with all my heart, or not.  I am not ashamed today to say that I am proud of myself - proud of what I have done for myself.  But I realized on Thursday (and honestly probably before Thursday) that there is another person in this game that is responsible for my success as well - My Crazy Weight Watchers Leader!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for what you saw in me all along, and made me see in myself - that NO journey is too hard or impossible when you believe that you are worth it!  That I was capable of doing this, that I was capable of even running a 5k.  I sat in that room on Thursday making lifetime because of you!    You've profoundly helped me changed my life.  You've enabled the success of so many before me, and will for so many after me.  I want to be like you when I grow up.  I mean it.  So cheers to you!

Of course, like I said before, this journey is far from over.  My life has just begun... and now I'm going to actually live it, instead of stand by and watch it happen!

Today I became an official card carryin' member of the Weight Watchers Lifetime family!  There were trumpets (OK, whistles actually) and confetti (unlike my doctor's appointment the other day).  It was emotional.  Tonight, I really really wanted to go out to a nice dinner with my family to celebrate, but after waiting 3 times longer than they told us we left with a crabby, hungry 3 year old in tow and no dinner, no celebration.  I can't pretend I was not disappointed, but in perspective I will remind myself that this is not about a dinner out to celebrate.  This is about getting my life back, that is something I get to celebrate every single day!  I celebrate it when I run for 30 minutes without stopping, slip into size 8 pants, and hear my little boy ask for apples instead of french fries. 

I have much more to say, but right now this week has left me completely emotionally drained (still no MRI results yet), and all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep (and possibly cry).

I promise a full post on my thoughts about reaching lifetime this weekend... cross my heart!

Oh yeah, and I'm down 1.6 pounds today for a total loss of 109 pounds even.  On to 110 next week!

Another Update: 
I FINALLY got the results back yesterday!  NORMAL!!!!  All normal - of course except for the fact that's he's 3 and his fontanel is still open.  But everything looks completely healthy and great inside his brain!  And I'm not worried for one minute about that fontanel .  "L"  has always followed his own time schedule with everything.  He has taught me patience in these past 3 years.  He has taught me that not everything can have a schedule.  He continues to teach us these things.  What an incredibly emotional week.  I am certainly humbled in the presence of God's power and grace that allowed us to make it through this week.  And I am so forever thankful to all of the prayers we received.

Update:  The MRI went well.  He handled the sedation well, and was brave, just like I predicted.  It did take them about 15-20 minutes longer than normal, because he kept coughing.  They had to pull him out of the machine a couple of times and suction out his nose/mouth, and start taking the picture over.  The first thing he said to me after waking up:  "I am ready for my donut now."  (I had promised him a trip to get a donut - a rare treat around here) I love it!  Anyways, we don't have any sort of results yet, hopefully in the next couple of days we will get more information.  I hate the waiting, but I feel at peace.

Can you do me a favor, please?
Can you keep this sweet, sweet boy in your prayers tonight?

You know the saying "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels?"  Since I've been losing weight I've seen it everywhere.  I actually kind of hate it.  I mean, I have lost over 107 pounds, and I still don't feel thin.  I don't know if I'll ever actually feel thin, but I sure as heck know how a really, really good piece of cheesecake tastes.  I certainly understand the intent of the saying though, and after today I think I've finally begun to appreciate it, but I'll replace it with my own version:

"Nothing tastes as good as having OBESITY permanently erased from your medical record feels."

NOTHING!  Seriously... NOTHING! 

Today I had my yearly checkup.  I am down 40 pounds from my last checkup, and 110 pounds from my checkup 2 years ago... the one that put my plans to lose weight into motion.  And today... while reviewing my medical record, my doctor said to me, "I think we can go ahead and get rid of this now."  And with a couple of keystrokes I watched as he erased the diagnosis of Obesity from my medical record.  It was a silent, yet powerful moment had between a doctor and a patient in a cold exam room, on a random Monday in October.  There were no trumpets that sounded or magical confetti that flew down from the ceiling as he pressed backspace and hit save.  There were no high fives exchanged.  But regardless, it was one of the top highlights of the last 2 years of my life!  He erased it, and just like that it was gone, then he said "You have done well." and we moved on.  Simple, yet incredibly profound.

We moved on to the blood pressure part of the exam.  I have never had a problem outside of pregnancy with my blood pressure.  But when I heard my current blood pressure, I would not believe it belonged to a now formerly obese, once severely preeclamptic, prediabetic like me.  98/62.  Let me repeat that 98/62.  I have never once in my life seen my blood pressure with the top number below 100. 

I have never been so tangibly reminded that I am no longer obese, that I am a regular exerciser, that I am a runner!  I am not who I once was.  The health problems that plagued me in the past are nearly erased.  This is a new game now.  I game that I feel lost in because I don't know any of the new rules. 

Obesity Erasure.  And with that there is one remaining item on my medical history that I can't wait to see erased... PCOS. 

Obesity, you lose and I win.  PCOS, you better watch your back, just ask Obesity.  Bring it... I'm ready!  GAME ON!

Alternatively titled... how could I be so stupid?

So ALL week I have been fretting and fretting and fretting some more about my weight being up and this being my last weigh in to hit Lifetime.  So today... I go and weigh in and surprisingly am down 1.4 pounds. I seriously must have lost it between leaving home in the morning and my meeting at noon.  AND... even more surprisingly I found out I have one more week left.  OOPS!!!  I feel like a complete dork, with all my worrying, to find out it is NOT the week. 

On to next week.  Oh how cruel fate is, that now this week is my LAST week before Lifetime.  See today I scheduled my son's MRI.  He'll be having a sedated full brain MRI on Wednesday morning at 7:30 am.  I also have my own checkup on Monday morning.  It is going to be a stressful week.  I'm going to do everything I can to not turn to food - instead I will run... maybe even away.  At least that's how I feel right now.  So please keep little "L" in your thoughts and prayers (as I write this he is singing a song about poop from his bed - yes it is WAAAY past bedtime and he is not asleep).  He is only 3... and has already had more than his share in his short lifetime.  I don't believe God makes mistakes, and I am trying to believe that God didn't save him at birth just to have this happen 3 years later.

So... sorry for being a complete dork.  You will be in suspense 1 MORE WEEK!!!

Twas the night before weigh in and all though the house, no cookies were baking, not even for my spouse.  The gym clothes were hung by the door with care, in hopes that I would to the gym them wear...The children child was nestled all snug in his bed while visions of good scale numbers danced in MY head. 

Tomorrow I discover if I'm able to do this... stay at or below goal for the past 6 weeks, with nearly 2 of those weeks being on vacation.  Make it to the coveted... Lifetime!  No longer pay to go to Weight Watchers meetings. 

My weight has been up this week.  Stubborn pounds once again, but regardless of what happens tomorrow this I know: 

• Being at or below my goal weight does not define me as a person.
• Being over my goal weight does not mean I have done anything bad.  It means I am human, or I ate a lot of salt, or I'm stressed out, or my body isn't cooperating.

And ultimately... whatever happens tomorrow... I know I will CRY!  Tomorrow I will be 1 week shy of doing this for 2 FULL years.  In those 2 year I have had one hell of a journey.  Every single pound lost or gained, every single goal celebrated, every single disappointment, every single mile ran, has profoundly changed me forever.

As Zig Ziglar once said, "What you get by achieving your goal is not as important as what you become by achieving your goal."

Zig you were completely right.

This is one of our favorite chicken strip recipes.  And when you live with a 3 year old, you have lots of chicken strip recipes.  I have been making this for years, and now know the recipe by heart.  I apologize as I no longer know the original source.

Coconut Chicken Fingers
Serves 4 @ 5 Points Plus a serving
1/2 cup sweetened shredded coconut
1/3 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 pound boneless skinless chicken breast tenders or breasts cut in strips
1 beaten egg

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix coconut, flour, salt, pepper in a bowl. Dip chicken into then egg, then coat with coconut mixture. Place on a baking pan. Bake 25 minutes or until chicken is cooked through, turning once.

Then I make an Apricot Dipping Sauce which is about 1/2 cup apricot jam mixed with 1-2 Tbsp of Dijon Mustard.  YUM YUM YUM!

If you want a full meal serve with potato wedges and a steamed veggie... we like peas!

I sit here tonight and I feel terrified....
Terrified of what you ask?
Well... let's see:
Gaining this week... which in addition to my gain last Thursday, would likely put me more than 2 pounds over goal, making me the first person EVER to fail the "maintenance" portion of the Weight Watchers program, and not allowing me to make Lifetime.

That is why I am terrified tonight.  I am terrified of failure... of gaining all my weight back.  I'm terrified that the number on the scale is up after an activity filled, completely on plan weekend.  What is up with that?  I am terrified that I'm a slave to the scale.

And if that's not enough for you I have other good stuff:

• My son still has his front soft spot on his head at the age of 3.  None of the doctor's in my ped's practice have seen this before, the neurologists at Children's Hospital have never seen this before, and they want him to have an MRI to check for intracranial pressure - don't google it... nothing good comes up.
• I'm terrified of the cost of the above MRI.  As much as I would love to have a picture of my sweet baby boy's brain hanging on my wall for Christmas I'd much prefer (insert anything else here).
• Did I mention I'm terrified of getting fat/fatter again?  Well it still applies.
• I'm terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant and have another child.  That my child will grow up with a sibling.
• I'm terrified that if I do get pregnant I'll have a preemie again, I'll have a miscarriage, stillbirth, or even worse I'll die.
• I'm terrified that I'll be a burden on my child in my old age.
• I'm terrified that my son will get fat someday.
• I'm terrified that losing all this weight won't have done anything for my PCOS .
• I'm terrified I'm not good enough, that people won't like me, that I suck at group fitness, of being alone anywhere in public, that I will have no one to talk to to and no one will like me if I go to this alone:  One, Breath, One Step.  I'm terrified of starting conversations with strangers.
• I'm terrified that my hormones are out of whack, and that I'll never be normal.  I'm terrified that PCOS will once again remind me that my body is its home.
• I'm terrified that even though I want to have another child I won't be able to afford one.

I guess you could say I have issues.  I am having a REALLY hard time right now with all of the thoughts I've listed above.  I'm having a hard time not taking the entire peanut butter jar and the whole bag of chocolate chips and "solving" the problems above with them.  I'm having a hard time not drinking a whole heck of a lot of wine.  Sometimes, I am actually amazed at my ability to stop emotional eating really quickly these days, but that leaves a whole lot of worrying left to do.

On Saturday my head was full of all of this stuff (still is to be honest), and you know what I did... I ran.  I pounded out 3.5 miles on the treadmill mindlessly staring out the windows at the gym.  Allowing myself to be lost in my thoughts.  I would have gone farther too, but an old injury in my foot was aching.  I tried to envision happy endings to all the worries above as I was running...

• me holding a healthy full term baby
• "L"''s negative MRI results
• Myself making Lifetime
• Myself in 2 years looking thin and watching my children play together
• Myself taking a group fitness class, etc. etc. 

It definitely gave me some relief... although short-lived.

If you think I'm crazy now...you're probably right.  But I think I'm real and you can probably relate - because face it we all have issues.  Something tells me the next few months are going to be quite a ride.  I'm holding on for dear life, and I'm keeping my running shoes really close to the door.

There has always been something really strange about my self-esteem.  You see, when I was really FAT, I actually had better self-esteem than I do now.  I was more confident.  Sure I knew I was fat, but I was able to command a room and feel respected. 

Now 106 pounds later... I don't feel like that anymore.  How did I lose that sense of confidence as I lost weight?  Somehow along the way I started losing myself, losing who I was along with the weight.  Being fat had always defined me.  I was perfectly OK with being fat until the night he saved my life... and then something started to break.  That brokenness started a downward spiral of my self-esteem.

I have been trying to figure out this self-image problem:

• How can I get that confidence back? 
• How can I feel good about myself again? 
• Now that I'm barely fat anymore I feel fatter than I did 106 pounds ago.  How can I get rid of that feeling? 

And then... last Friday happened.  It was just an ordinary day - consisting of work, some shopping on my lunch hour, and a couple of drinks after work with a friend.  But for the first time in my life... The first time EVER that I can remember I think my self esteem actually matched how I looked... who I am.  See for yourself (ignore the monkey arms in the first picture):