My PearlSeptember 27, 2011
In spite of our miracle, reality has hit, the adrenaline of the last 10 days has worn off, sleepless nights are plentiful, and worry is still there! Surprise... life goes on. And sometimes I sit in the muddle of it all, and try to figure it all out. And I have no answers, and I know that while one journey is finally over, another one has certainly just begun, and it proves to be probably an easier journey at times... at least right now... but one that doesn't last just 9 months, it will last for the rest of my life.
It isn't dissimilar to the journey that any mother is on once they lay a small, helpless baby in her arms for the first time. I am normal in many ways, and worry about normal things: oh no the baby has bad diaper rash, or why is she so fussy, or is she getting enough to eat, why did she go up 3 ounces in 3 days, just to be down 1 ounce 5 days later (today's sour news). Normal mom things. Its comforting to know that there is some normalcy in our lives these days, because that normalcy was lacking for so many months!
And yet, I worry about Lily's future already, and what lay in front of her. How will I one day explain to her that she isn't like other girls. That she'll never be able to have her own baby, that she will need shots every day for years just to make 5 feet tall?
Deep down I know that I am certainly injured and possibly permanently scarred from the last several months of my pregnancy. How can one not be? I also know my hormones are completely out of whack from having a baby 10 days ago. Will time heal me? Will time heal any of us? I don't know the answer to that. But I know that I will soon need to figure out a way to process all of this, and I fully expect it to take months if not years to work through that.
I still have deeply rooted issues of self-esteem that have gotten worse, not better from this pregnancy. See... this was the pregnancy that was supposed to heal the hurt from my pregnancy with "L". This was the pregnancy that would prove my body is capable... it works! Those things didn't not really happen. And it hurts! Yet, to have walked out of the hospital a week ago with Lily in my arms was also beyond my wildest dreams and an indicator of major success in the midst of so much failure.
Don't get me wrong. I am still reveling in the miracle that Lily is, but I am now starting to also deal with the reality of where this leaves us. To have been so blessed with a miracle, leaves you with a bit of a "why me" feeling. So many people ask for their miracles, and they are passed by. So why us? Why her? I cannot help but think of big things for her, even though she is barely 5 pounds!
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."
-- Stephan Hoeller
I might be injured, but without that I certainly would not have my pearl, sweet little Lily.