Week 35 Pregnancy UpdateSeptember 07, 2011
Last night I spent a little time reading through most of my blog posts (at least the bigger ones) about this pregnancy. What a little trip down memory lane. And for the most part, it was a good trip. A reminder of where we have come from since 19 weeks. I remember that Thursday morning in May as if it was yesterday. I remember my OB telling me he was so sorry, and I remember walking out of the office feeling like someone had punched me in the gut, and sitting down on the little bench just outside the door and bawling my eyes out, and screaming, "Why?" I remember looking at my husband and gritting my teeth through the tears, and saying "Why doesn't anything ever work out for me?" I had spent the last 2+ years prepping my body to carry this baby. I felt betrayed, abandoned, and filled with the most immense sadness I can't even think of the words to describe. It was raining that day. It was raining hard. It was fitting.
As the weeks went on I shared my story, and I started getting notes of encouragement and prayers. From people who had walked similar journeys as well as ones that hadn't. Some of their stories touched me deeply. I found out that people all over the world were praying for my baby! I still had a lot of days of bitterness, but some of my bitterness turned as the days and weeks passed. I endured doctor appointment, after appointment of different hypotheses and guesses as to what was wrong with our baby, so many so that I received a printed list, on an 8-1/2 x 11 sheet of paper, single spaced, of every "guess" last Thursday at my appointment. The "guesses" took up 3/4 of the page! I still heard what the doctor's said at each appointment, but at some point, I stopped listening. And while I comprehend every word of what they've told me, and I've done a ton of research to make sure I'm educated enough to make important decisions on behalf of my daughter, I stopped trying along with them to guess what this baby would be like when she was born. I finally said "I don't care anymore" after I was offered a second MRI.
Today I find myself at 36 weeks pregnant. 1 week and a day past any previous pregnancy, and 1 week until I'm officially full term. I have dreamed of getting to this point, longed for it, and now, I'm not going to lie... I am terrified that it's almost here! Maybe even more so than earlier on. I have conjured up images of what this baby will look like when we meet her face to face - everything from the horrifying to the not so bad. I have filed every ultrasound picture I've been given immediately away, and barely looked at any of them again.
Then yesterday... at my appointment I saw this on the screen:
And the only word I could think of in my head was.... PERFECT!
I didn't think of birth defects, or chromosomal conditions, I didn't hear the word trisomy, Turner Syndome, or flat profile, I didn't think about encephaloceles, enlarged hearts, hydrops, or small limbs. I didn't even recall the moment I was asked after my 19 week ultrasound, "What do you want to do?"
I saw a baby's face... a nose that looks like her brother's... and perfect, and maybe even slightly chubby cheeks.
No matter what happens - whether we get a happy ending or a not so happy one - I know one thing. My daughter is perfect, and every agonizing minute of this journey has been 100% worth it.
Happy last week of pregnancy to me!