Is the End Near?

September 01, 2011

September 1st.   I can’t believe it is September 1st today.  Even before we knew something was wrong with my pregnancy, I have always said that I wanted my baby to be born in September, and now there is no question that she will be.  Plus, I like sapphires, and I already have a peridot ring from when “L” was born.

That was the paragraph I wrote this morning… before our doctor’s appointment.  After so many weeks of “boring” appointments, we ended up leaving this morning’s appointment with extra doctor’s appointments.  Now I have an appointment tomorrow, Tuesday, and still my normal one next Thursday. 

Our baby had a growth scan this morning.  She is around 4-1/4 pounds.  She has gained a pound in 3 weeks, so yes, she is still growing.  Several weeks ago we were told at some point, she would most likely fall off the growth curve, and this morning, she has.  She is officially under the 5th percentile for weight.   An average size for a 35 week baby would be more around 5-1/4 pounds… my son, “L”, was 3-1/4 pounds.  Who knows… maybe I don’t make big babies.  I couldn’t help but feel sad upon leaving my appointment this morning that my body is apparently not made for making babies.  I don’t fail at things… but this, this is something I fail at, and apparently have no control over.

There are also some Doppler flow items that are starting to look slightly abnormal, so the new protocol will be a biophysical profile every 4 days now, instead of every week.  And… the holiday weekend screwed that up for us this week (which is why I have the appointment tomorrow).  Thank God that by some strange act, my health insurance company suddenly decided to start covering my prenatal care at 100% again (as state law requires)!

While there is no immediate need for me to deliver, it will now be a weighing game between baby being better on the inside or better on the outside.  I can’t help but feel that the end is near.  At least my bag is packed this time, right? 

Usually I feel relieved after my appointment, but today I really don’t.  I think I’m just really ready to be done; I can’t believe how stressful this has all been.  If I actually stop and think, and look back at the last 4 months of my life, I sit in awe and wonder sometimes how I’ve made it to September 1st without going absolutely out of my mind.

If I have to smile about one thing today it’s that the ultrasound tech could actually see the baby’s hair on the ultrasound.  She has hair!  With the all big, bad things we’ve been told during ultrasounds, sometimes it’s just nice to know the normal, little things too!

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  1. Hair!! It's nice to know something for sure, right?!
    If you have no control over something, it's impossible to fail. You haven't failed. You've been challenged.

  2. I was gonna say what Jessica said. You cannot fail at something you aren't in control of. This is not like learning to play guitar or your job performance. This is a shitty situation that you cannot control and therefore should not beat yourself up about. You ARE doing what you can with what you've got, and that is all you can do.

    Sending hugs!

  3. Someday I will get to style her hair! And since she will be born in September I will also set aside a piece of my sapphire jewelry for her to have! Love you Sarah!! and Mike and "L" and baby girl!

  4. Friend my prayer are with you!! Take care of yourself!!

  5. Ditto Sarah and Jessica. It is impossible to fail if you don't have control over the situation. You have done everything in your power and continue to do so. You are such a strong woman, I am so proud of you.

    And hair, what a nice thing to find out! :)

    Big hugs to you.

  6. Sarah - I think about you and pray for you and baby girl. I pray for 10 more days and I pray for strength for you, baby girl and all of those doctors and nurses there to take care of you both! Be well friend!

  7. Go buy you some clippy bows. NICU nurses love nothing more than to put cute bows in little girl's hair that is actually long enough TO put bows in. :) Worth it to see your princess looking as a princess should. I promise.
    Praying for you! And that precious baby girl too!


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