Feeling Fat

June 09, 2010

So do you ever have those times that even though you know you've done well losing weight, and you are like 1/2 the person you were previously that you still feel just as fat?  You know what I mean, right?  Well... I guess if you've never been fat, or you've always been fat (no offense ok, I've been there), then you probably don't, but the rest of you do.  I know you do, even if you won't admit it.  That's been my last couple of days.  I try so hard to look in the mirror and convince myself that I look good, that I look so much thinner, that my waist is defined, and my legs actually are thinner.  I have pieces of paper proving that my weight is less, and my measurements are less.  I have old clothes I can try on, and new ones too, but NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, seems to work some days to convince myself of who I am now. 

Some days all I see is this staring back at me (Hawaiian Background not included):

I look down at my legs, and honestly this is exactly still what I see:

I look at my arms and see this:

I know... everyone says:
"You look great!"
"Your legs aren't fat anymore." 
"Well, I never really thought you looked that fat anyways."
Etc. etc. 

They can't understand why you still see the fat girl staring back at you in the mirror when you've lost nearly 96 pounds.  Maybe its because she's been with you like 30 years longer than the thinner one has.  Maybe its because you are perfectionist - type A.  Maybe its because when you thought of weighing what you do now 95.8 pounds ago, you didn't imagine your stomach would still look so ... well... fat.  You don't look as nice as other people your same height/weight.  Your legs are not as thin as theirs... its goes on and on and on and on. 

Reality sinks in.  I will NEVER have a flat stomach without surgery.  In fact, I'll never even have a decent looking one without surgery.  You can't lose 100+ pounds and expect that.  I get it.  The stupid part is, I never started this journey to look good, NEVER!!!  I started it out of respect and consideration for my family.  I started it to give my son a brother/sister.  I started it so I could live!  And now.. these are my only thoughts ARGH!!!

I'll never be able to explain it... I've been told the mind lags greatly behind the body.  But some days I just wish that I could see this girl staring back instead... I like her a lot more

I know that weight should not define your self-worth, but no one can deny that it does.

Dear mind, please try to see in the mirror tomorrow what other people seem to see. 
Thanks, Sarah

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  1. I can see how this happens. I watched Say Yes to the Dress one time and the girl had just lost a bunch of weight and no matter what ever dress she put all she could see was her old self. Finally someone said, honey you look so damn good, it will take awhile to get use to the new you. And honey, you do look good!

  2. It's genetics . . . no matter how skinny you are you will always have big boobs and fat legs--and you wish you looked like the girl standing next to you even though you both way the same. Try having a skinny little husband(who also runs every day) and looking balanced LOL. You are amazing and your journey is inspiring. Remember that

  3. I think there's some real truth in the idea that if you were one way for 30 years, you can't expect to see yourself differently overnight, or even very quickly. It takes time. In the meantime, don't berate yourself for having these feelings - recognize them, acknowledge them, and let them go. And you know what? Read this post and respond as if you were writing to a friend. Then take that response letter and tuck it in your purse. Pull it out whenever you are feeling this way, and keep that beautiful photo with it to remind you, too!


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