True Confessions

August 16, 2010

I'm having a hard day today.  Actually mostly  just a hard evening/late afternoon.
I feel like I need a true confession... and this is MY blog so here it is, since 3:30 today I have eaten:

  • 1 Kellogg's Antioxidant Peanut/Chocolate Granola Bar - 2 points
  • Light Mocha Frappacino @ Starbucks - 2 points (thank you Starbucks for healthier options)
  • 3 Townhouse crackers - 1 point
  • A pinch of blue cheese - who's counting?
  • mini slice of french bread with pesto and sliced up cherry tomatoes - 1.5 points
  • 4 pieces of bacon - 5.5 points
  • 3 pieces of white bread - Lord only knows
  • 2 Tbsp Hellman's light mayo - 2.6 points
  • A cup of lettuce - redemption?
  • 1 large tomato
  • 1/2 cup of grapes - veggie/fruit servings - check those off for the day!
  • graham cracker with Nutella... more Nutella on a knife, and some peanut butter mixed in for good measure. - Stopped counting...
  • A few lick of my finger wiped in the leftover bacon pan - Wonder what the points value is for that?
  • 1 large marshmallow - then 1/2 a one I didn't remember having.
So I sit now and I feel embarrassed to even post this.  I dig deep into myself, and all of the 4,287 100 Weight Watchers meetings I've been to over the past 2 yeas, and I ask myself the question we ALWAYS talk about - the one I routinely want to ignore:
What am I hungry for? 
What am I looking for?  Because obviously food isn't filling that hole.  Yep obviously.

I think tonight I'm looking for control.  I want control over my life.  Yesterday I hurt my lower back... twisted wrong, picked up my son, walked too fast, bent over, and ugh!  Not sure which one of those things ... or maybe all of them.  I ended up at the chiropractor this afternoon.  He adjusted me, told me to ice it, and take it easy for a few days.  No!!!  Exercising is needed... it is one thing I can control.  I don't want to "take it easy for a few days."  NO NO NO!  I just joined a new gym for goodness sakes.  Stupid back.  Stupid monkey wrench into my week.  Just as well throw it all down the toilet, right? 

Tonight I want control - My little boy is sick... running a 103 fever last time I checked.  If you are a parent without family/friends around that don't work, and your kid gets sick on a Monday you know the sinking feeling I have in my heart tonight.  Even if you are a parent at all, you know how much it sucks when your "baby" gets sick.

Tonight I want control.  Watching Unwrapped on TV I wanted to eat all of the curly fries, giant cookie pizzas, and ice cream sundaes.  I want to eat it and not have to worry about points, not have to worry about gaining weight.  Not have to struggle so DAMN hard sometimes!  I want to be skinny, and forget about fat.  I want to be a "skinny person", never worrying about gaining weight.  Even if my outside is thin, I feel like I will always be "fat." 

Tonight I want control... and I don't have it, so I ate to prove I was in control.  HA HA... I guess the joke's on me, isn't it?

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  1. Oh my friend!!! Today is in the books, can't do anything about what's already been done.

    Tomorrow you can have control..over..what you put in your mouth, how much exercise you get, how much water you drink, how many hugs you give out, how much love your give your sick one. Take control there,
    you will feel more POWERFUL. Many hugs to you!!!

  2. Although you feel like you're struggling, this brutal honesty is liberating. Honesty with us, your readers, but more importantly yourself.

    Some things will always be beyond your control. There will always be something around the corner to put you in a spin. All you can control is your state of mind, what you focus on, and how you move forward.

    I too have times when I feel have too weak a grip on what is happening around me. As of yet, I haven't figured it out, but I know that I will never find a cure all that puts me in total control of my life.

    One final note. I am not religious (nor am I an alcoholic for that matter), but I have always appreciated the sentiment offered in the Serenity prayer:

    "God, grant me the serenity
    To accept the things I cannot change;
    Courage to change the things I can;
    And wisdom to know the difference."

    Hope you feel better soon :)

  3. Hang in there! I truly hope it helped to get this off your chest and onto the blog. No judgment from any of us -- we've all been there. Hugs!!!

  4. Really, if you look at you most of your choices, they weren't that bad. We all have thosed days, and the key is forgiveness!! I'm proud of you for being honest - not with us - but with yourself, because that is the most important thing. Have a GREAT day today and love yourself!

  5. Thank you for the post. I had one of those yesterdays too where I found myself nibbling on everything in sight and then kicking myself for doing it. I too figured out that I want to be able to control everything, and resent having to account for every morsel I put in my mouth. On the one hand I know it's what I need to do, but on the other hand I wish I didn't have to do it. Again, thank you for your post and for your willingness to be honest and vulnerable. It reminded me that I'm not alone in this struggle/battle! :-)

  6. Hello Beautiful You! You ARE in control. This is the point in your journey where you KNOW the program inside out, but you are just BEGINNING to know the thinner you...frightening, normal, a great deal of work. It's tough to let go of the you you have always known. Hope the Babe is feeling better. See you for therapy on Thursday:) Crazy WW Leader


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