Four years ago in November 2006, I sat on Thanksgiving sad and fearful for the future.  I had a horrible year.  I had become pregnant earlier in the year only to suffer a miscarriage, and then be diagnosed with PCOS and resulting infertility.  I was told that because I was so fat, I would have difficulty conceiving a child.  I was told that if I did conceive I would have a 50 percent chance of a miscarriage.  I was disheartened and broken!  I felt betrayed by my body and forgotten by God.  I weighed about 125 pounds more than I do today.  I didn't see how I could be given a different future. 

On New Years Day 2007 - only a little more than 1 month later, I woke up on New Years morning to a positive pregnancy test.  I was both overjoyed and unbelievably scared.  I spent the next 7-1/2 months throwing up, stressing out, checking blood sugars, and my pregnancy culminated in an emergency C-section with 3 pound 4 oz little boy who spent 27 days in the NICU.  Regardless of the circumstances, I was blessed.  The first year of my son's life passed quickly but I still found myself 115 pounds heavier than today.  My future certainly had been changed with the long-awaited addition of a child, but I still felt like I didn't have much of a future at my current weight.  I certainly couldn't me the mother I wanted to be at that weight.  And then I was told by my doctor that my weight was a contributing factor in my pregnancy issues, and would likely result in infertility for me if I wanted to have any more children.  I needed to change something.  I needed to change my life.  This was probably one of the last pictures that was taken of me as I started this journey...

Me Thanksgiving 2008

Fast forward four years since that Thanksgiving, which now seems, so long ago.  I am lighter in weight there is no doubt, and my future has certainly been changed beyond what I could ever have believed, but once again I feel heavy in spirit.  My heart longs for another child.  In a way, I feel like I am back in that same spot that I was 4 years ago. I feel the same despair that my future will not be changed, and this time I can't blame it on being fat.  For some reason, being able to blame it on fat seemed easier.  I at least had a scapegoat.  I held up my end of the bargain.  I took control of what I could, I lost the weight that was creating the issues... the problem is... the issues didn't go away.  So what do you do with that?  Tonight I want to cry and swear and eat too much and drink too much.  I want to cover my head up and lay in bed and not come out.  The thought of going through a holiday season with this burden is overwhelming to me tonight - and it came suddenly out of nowhere very quickly today.  It feels so eerily familiar.  It takes me back to a very dark time in my life, and I hate it.