What I am MOST Thankful For

November 24, 2010

Four years ago in November 2006, I sat on Thanksgiving sad and fearful for the future.  I had a horrible year.  I had become pregnant earlier in the year only to suffer a miscarriage, and then be diagnosed with PCOS and resulting infertility.  I was told that because I was so fat, I would have difficulty conceiving a child.  I was told that if I did conceive I would have a 50 percent chance of a miscarriage.  I was disheartened and broken!  I felt betrayed by my body and forgotten by God.  I weighed about 125 pounds more than I do today.  I didn't see how I could be given a different future. 

On New Years Day 2007 - only a little more than 1 month later, I woke up on New Years morning to a positive pregnancy test.  I was both overjoyed and unbelievably scared.  I spent the next 7-1/2 months throwing up, stressing out, checking blood sugars, and my pregnancy culminated in an emergency C-section with 3 pound 4 oz little boy who spent 27 days in the NICU.  Regardless of the circumstances, I was blessed.  The first year of my son's life passed quickly but I still found myself 115 pounds heavier than today.  My future certainly had been changed with the long-awaited addition of a child, but I still felt like I didn't have much of a future at my current weight.  I certainly couldn't me the mother I wanted to be at that weight.  And then I was told by my doctor that my weight was a contributing factor in my pregnancy issues, and would likely result in infertility for me if I wanted to have any more children.  I needed to change something.  I needed to change my life.  This was probably one of the last pictures that was taken of me as I started this journey...

Me Thanksgiving 2008
Fast forward four years since that Thanksgiving, which now seems, so long ago.  I am lighter in weight there is no doubt, and my future has certainly been changed beyond what I could ever have believed, but once again I feel heavy in spirit.  My heart longs for another child.  In a way, I feel like I am back in that same spot that I was 4 years ago. I feel the same despair that my future will not be changed, and this time I can't blame it on being fat.  For some reason, being able to blame it on fat seemed easier.  I at least had a scapegoat.  I held up my end of the bargain.  I took control of what I could, I lost the weight that was creating the issues... the problem is... the issues didn't go away.  So what do you do with that?  Tonight I want to cry and swear and eat too much and drink too much.  I want to cover my head up and lay in bed and not come out.  The thought of going through a holiday season with this burden is overwhelming to me tonight - and it came suddenly out of nowhere very quickly today.  It feels so eerily familiar.  It takes me back to a very dark time in my life, and I hate it. 

But then I am reminded that as much as God takes away he gives, and his timing is always perfect  
And I I know what I am MOST thankful for tonight.  That what I don't have is lessened, and I remember to stop and enjoy every single minute of that which is right in front of me - this sweet, precious, sometimes sassy, little life I am blessed to be a mom to.  I am thankful BEYOND MEASURE!  It is hard to believe there was a time I didn't think he would come into our lives.  I am remembering that tonight, and the happy ending I am now living in.  It gives me hope.  It makes me KNOW I have a future.  I cannot wait to watch this little man grow up, and learn the plans that life has for him.

I hope that the attitude of being grateful will be the focus of your Thanksgiving this year.  As your family, be it one or one thousand gathers around the table tomorrow, I hope you'll remember what you DO have and not what you DON'T.  

Now...

May Your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes n’ gravy,
Have nary a lump,
May your yams be delicious,
May your pies be the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs.
(Owen K. Lorion)

Happy Thanksgiving!

You Might Also Like

3 comments

  1. That was beautiful Sarah. I appreciate you sharing that. It's so hard when we focus on our loss and what we feel we don't have. But it can be so turned around when we focus on what we do have! Thanks for the reminder and you look beautiful!!

    ~Margene

    ReplyDelete
  2. I also have PCOS and am very scared that I won't be able to have a baby, I am losing the weigh for me and in hopes that I someday can be a mom. Thanks for sharing your story. It is truly inspirational.

    ReplyDelete

I LOVE hearing your thoughts and feedback. Please leave me a comment

Instagram