These are NOT My PlansJuly 19, 2011
Reading this on incourage today, really got me thinking about plans. The author, Sara Frankl, says in the article that, "The truth is that if you are still breathing, He still has plans for you..." I woke up this morning, and was still breathing, despite the oppressive humidity. And my sweet baby girl - who is ALMOST 29 weeks - was still kicking. As I read those words, and they hit me smack between my dry and tired eyeballs!
Here's the thing about HIS plans. I really don't want to accept them. I am tired of the "I'm sure there are great plans for this baby", or "God always has a plan". What about my plans?
My plan to lose weight, and have an amazing perfect pregnancy because of it.
My plan to know what it is finally like to take a baby home from the hospital a few days after its born.
My plan to breastfeed normally instead of having an almost illicit affair with a breast pump.
My plan to buy lots and lots of cute pink clothes, and finally get to buy one of those gorgeous little girl Christmas dresses.
My plan to give "L" a sister than he can love, run, jump, and play with.
What about those plans? Doesn't anyone, including God, care about my plans? I have been waiting for over 6 years now for any of this to work out easily. I have done everything I could to control the situation - including losing 115 pounds! I did everything ever asked or required of me to make sure MY PLANS came to fruition.
And in the end? I find out I'm not in control. I was never in control. Talk about frustration!
Once upon a time, I had some plans - I wanted a baby. But first I suffered through a miscarriage and infertility. Then when I thought I had it all under control, I almost lost my life the night my son was born to a rare disorder that strikes about .2% of pregnancies. In the months that followed I could not understand the why of it all. It was all so unfair and traumatic But... 3 years ago from that moment I knew exactly why it happened. I knew that his plans were bigger and better than my plans. I was humbled.
I heard someone say today "God doesn't always give us what we want, he gives us what we need."
I'm not sure what he thinks I need right now. I feel like I need a good appointment, no more bad news, and to have a perfect baby like 99.9% of everyone else seems to, but maybe that is just more what I want. I do know that the night my son was born, I didn't know what I needed then either.
This is not what I want. These are not my plans. I don't like it. I don't understand it. I certainly hope someday I will.