One Month From Today

August 16, 2011

One month from today at this time I'll be being prepped for surgery - my C-section.  Yes, after last week's appointment we officially have a date!  September 16th at 8:00 am appears to be this baby's birth date... ( please don't send out the news crew, OK?). 

Of course I got the "lecture" about best laid plans.  Um... tell me about it.  Who do you think you are talking to?  I know my doctor doesn't think I'll make it, but I am going to trust that I will.  I will be 37 weeks.  Yes, we are purposefully delivering this baby early, and please reserve your comments about how horrible that is for someone else.  Seems like this whole pregnancy is a nightmare, and the doctors (and me) would rather be dealing with this baby on the outside, as soon as it is safe to do so.  So, on Thursday, September 15th I will undergo an amnio. a procedure where a large GIANT needle is inserted in my belly, and if the baby's lungs are fully developed, I'll be OR bound the next morning at 8:00 to meet my little girl. 

I'm not sure if I'm happy, terrified, or both.  If I think about it too long, I feel like I need a Valium (or fifty).  I am so tired of living in this nightmare pregnancy.  I don't know.. is this the end, or just the beginning of the nightmare?  I don't think most people can even grasp what we've been told may lie in front of us.  There could be multiple surgeries and months of hospitalizations.  There could be years or even a lifetime of special needs for this baby.  Or... maybe not.  What a scary, and at the same time amazing mystery.  That God is so all-knowing that he can knit together a baby in a woman's womb, that even some of the best doctor's can't unravel the secrets of.  I've finally stopped wondering, and have just started waiting.  Waiting to find out what the verdict will be.  Waiting to find out what mystery baby has in store for our lives.

Will we have our verdict at birth?  Maybe not... they may never be able to tell us exactly what is "wrong" with our baby.  We may spend more years waiting and watching her every move to see what "might happen." If you know anything about me, you know I am not a patient person.  My family can stop laughing now.  In fact, I might very well be the polar opposite of patient.  I do know, though, that this has changed me.  I'm not saying poof... I'm suddenly a patient person, but right now I have made peace with the waiting. 

Every Thursday for the past several weeks as I drive to the doctor's office I hear this song on the radio.  I have stopped believing it is a coincidence, since now it has been 4 weeks in a row! 

There is a line that says:
Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak

For now I wait one more month... and try to believe the best I can that somehow my patience will all be worth it in the end.

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  1. You are amazing to me Sarah and such an inspiration!! You have so much love, strength, faith and hope. Maybe you don't think so, but I do! Even with the unknown of what is happening with your daughter, you still keep your eyes on the Lord and trust Him. You're the only Mama for this baby, God knows what He is doing!! Many Blessings to you. Praying for you all. Love & Hugs!

  2. Will be continuing to prayer for you & your little girl. Your story is touching many lives and helping us to count our blessings big & small.

  3. Hi Sarah- This is Laura (Sarah B's sis-in-law in Prinsburg) again. As I read your posts, I just sit in amazement at how close our stories are. We had such different problems, but so many of the same feelings. My pregnancy also baffled the doctors (several of them:) I too, had to come to peace with just "waiting on a verdict", I too waited daily to feel every movement of my precious baby girl as confirmation that she was still o.k, and I too was in awe of our God at how He could continue this pregnancy that was a mystery to everyone else. I won't say "I know how you feel", because our problems were very different and I always hated when people told me that. I thought " you have NO idea how I feel!:) But if you ever want to talk to someone who's had many of the same feelings, feel free to contact me. I pray for peace for you, your hubby, and little L. And I pray for your sweet baby girl!

  4. It is beautiful how you have come to peace. I can tell you are trusting our Savior for that peace! I can't wait to hear how she is beautiful and perfect after Sept 16!

    You can do have amazed the drs this far and will continue!

  5. Sarah, I have read your blog for some time, have been following even closer throughout your pregnancy and have been praying. I think September 16th is the best day for you to meet your beautiful little miracle; it's my birthday! Keep your chin up, I'll continue to pray. :)

  6. Ive been following along with your blog for some time now. My pregnancy journey with my son was very similar. I know how scary the last few weeks can be, just wanted to pass on the following post from my sons blog

  7. I am praying very diligently for you. How amazing to have an end date in sight- for the mystery, the waiting to hopefully be over. I don't know exactly what you will have to face, but I have to say that what we were "forced" to face was not pretty- it took them 5 weeks after birth to figure out exactly why she couldn't breathe on her own and finally send us home with a ton of equipment attached to our little bundle. And we survived. And our baby thrived. And I look back now on these "horrible" memories and uncertainties and can only remember that it was the beginning of our little girl's life, and absolutely can't remember what we did before her. and her surgeries. and hospital stays. and the oxygen machine in our house. It's part of her story, and I love it all.
    Praying for you and your daughter!

  8. Continued prayers for you and your family. You are an amazing person.

  9. Hi Sarah, I'm a Pointer from way back, but just found your blog through the recent contest. I've just read the last few blogs, but I can tell it is an amazing story...and you ARE inspirational. Wishing you and your family the very best...


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