One Month From TodayAugust 16, 2011
One month from today at this time I'll be being prepped for surgery - my C-section. Yes, after last week's appointment we officially have a date! September 16th at 8:00 am appears to be this baby's birth date... ( please don't send out the news crew, OK?).
Of course I got the "lecture" about best laid plans. Um... tell me about it. Who do you think you are talking to? I know my doctor doesn't think I'll make it, but I am going to trust that I will. I will be 37 weeks. Yes, we are purposefully delivering this baby early, and please reserve your comments about how horrible that is for someone else. Seems like this whole pregnancy is a nightmare, and the doctors (and me) would rather be dealing with this baby on the outside, as soon as it is safe to do so. So, on Thursday, September 15th I will undergo
an amnio. a procedure where a large GIANT needle is inserted in my belly, and if the baby's lungs are fully developed, I'll be OR bound the next morning at 8:00 to meet my little girl.
I'm not sure if I'm happy, terrified, or both. If I think about it too long, I feel like I need a Valium (or fifty). I am so tired of living in this nightmare pregnancy. I don't know.. is this the end, or just the beginning of the nightmare? I don't think most people can even grasp what we've been told may lie in front of us. There could be multiple surgeries and months of hospitalizations. There could be years or even a lifetime of special needs for this baby. Or... maybe not. What a scary, and at the same time amazing mystery. That God is so all-knowing that he can knit together a baby in a woman's womb, that even some of the best doctor's can't unravel the secrets of. I've finally stopped wondering, and have just started waiting. Waiting to find out what the verdict will be. Waiting to find out what mystery baby has in store for our lives.
Will we have our verdict at birth? Maybe not... they may never be able to tell us exactly what is "wrong" with our baby. We may spend more years waiting and watching her every move to see what "might happen." If you know anything about me, you know I am not a patient person. My family can stop laughing now. In fact, I might very well be the polar opposite of patient. I do know, though, that this has changed me. I'm not saying poof... I'm suddenly a patient person, but right now I have made peace with the waiting.
Every Thursday for the past several weeks as I drive to the doctor's office I hear this song on the radio. I have stopped believing it is a coincidence, since now it has been 4 weeks in a row!
There is a line that says:
Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak
For now I wait one more month... and try to believe the best I can that somehow my patience will all be worth it in the end.