June 10, 2011

Some days I have a really hard time not being bitter.  It's the type of feeling that invades your soul.  I can feel it seize my insides and fill me with hate at times.  Sometimes to the point where I feel physically sick.  I don't like it.  It is an attack on my being and my soul.  I can feel it start happening, and I brace myself, and try to rid myself quickly of the feeling.

Lately it has been about vacations.  I'm not even talking big, fancy go to Hawaii type of vacations.  I'm talking a few precious days, even spent lounging in the sun around the local pool types.  Its pretty much summer, and school is now officially out around here, and all I hear constantly everywhere I go is the chatter about summer and vacations.  Vacations are a part of a normal, happy, family life.  Everyone needs time to relax and recharge.

And there is my problem - normal life ..... happy..... family .... those things are not in my vocabulary right now.  I'm abnormal.... sad .... broken.  

To hear and watch families all giddy about their vacations makes me bitter.  It makes me realize that I have no vacation time this year as it will all be used up to help with my "maternity leave" - whatever that might be, and to cover my oodles of Dr. appointments.  And... that would be OK, if I would be guaranteed a healthy, live baby at the end of that.  But I'm not.  Even if I could take time off, I wouldn't be allowed to go more than an hour away, as I'm on travel restrictions right now per my doctor.  Just imagine if that was your every day reality. 

So... I listen and I watch, and I find myself filled with emotions that I don't like:  bitterness, envy, hatred, even self-loathing.  It's hard to live with those feeling for long.  I figured acknowledging it here was my first step towards figuring out how to deal with it. 

I only wish for one day I could once again walk around in a normal world, and do normal things - like vacations.  Someday... someday I hope I can do that again.  It's simply a reminder of how quickly life can change - how uncertain life can be, and how precious every single jab and kick I feel really is.

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  1. I felt very similar when I was pregnant with my son, Lincoln. I was due in Sept. and May 14th my water broke and that was the last day I saw the outside world for 8 weeks (basically all summer). I had all these fun plans for our last summer before baby and couldn't do any of it. I felt like I missed out on so much and like you, I wasn't guaranteed a baby in the end. Thankfully I did get a healthy little boy but I was bitter for a long time because I missed out on a "normal" pregnancy. I know this is no where close to what you are experiencing but I've experienced the same emotions at least. Know that I am praying for you and that sweet baby girl.


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