Finding ComfortJune 11, 2011
Outside today the weather is deceiving. You look and its sunny, but I ventured outside to see how my little veggie garden was doing this morning and it was really chilly - like need a Columbia fleece on chilly.
Sometimes I feel like my weight loss journey is that way lately. I'm supposed to be a role model... I guess. It's probably why you are reading this right now. You want to be inspired by my 115 pound weight loss, so that you too, can lose weight. It is probably no surprise I feel less than inspiring right now. Maybe it is pregnancy hormones, maybe it is the uncertainty that each day brings around here in the last 4 weeks. I'm not sure.
The one thing I do know is that I feel like I'm back to my old habits - soothing my hurts with food. There, I admitted it. I have been eating whatever I want lately, and since my nausea is 90% gone, its not just because I can't stomach healthy things anymore. Its because it makes me feel better. Its because the rest of life really just sucks so much right now, but good food is always good. You know what I mean, right?
I've always found good food comforting, but especially now, in the midst of probably the darkest time in my life, I am finding it especially comforting. To the point where I am scared:
Scared that I won't be able to control this.
Scared that I'll gain all my weight back.
Scared that I'll wake up one morning and be back to 281 pounds!
Scared that I'll never ever be able to lose my pregnancy weight.
So I eat another donut or muffin, or take a few Red Vines licorice from the bag, have a giant bowl of ice cream, or maybe a handful of chips (pass the dip please), allow myself the fries with lunch instead of choosing fruit. Temporarily, it makes the scariness of those things, the frightening reality of this pregnancy and of my family's future, and the hurt, depression, and pain go away. Sure... it only lasts as long as the bowl of ice cream or to the end of the licorice twist, but it is momentary relief - sweet relief (sometimes literally) - enough to get me through to the next day.
I want so bad to be in control.
I AM NOT.
I've gained 24 pounds in 23-1/2 weeks of pregnancy! I feel uninspiring, full of self-loathing, and FAT!
I want to say, NO MORE EXCUSES! I will start to control myself, eat healthier, and throw away the licorice today. That is what I have been about for the past 2 years. That is the very reason why I lost this weight. But, I know if I say that, I'll just be lying... to you... to myself. I don't have any answers right now, and even while I feel this needs to be addressed, I really don't have the strength for any more big battles right now.
1 year ago today I ran my first 5k ever - after only 7 weeks of training. It was an amazing morning, shared with amazing people! This morning, I am missing that feeling of accomplishment, empowerment, and of control in my life. I am missing last year and the amazing things that happened in it. I am wanting so bad to go back, to skip this time in my life, and relive 2010 instead. I hope sometime soon to be tapped on the shoulder and woken up from what seems like an awful nightmare, but each day passes, and that never comes.
As the lyrics from one of my favorite songs by Mandisa says:
There's a time for yes
And a time for no
There's a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
(Mandisa - He is with you)
So... this is certainly a different season in my life - the rules have changed - and sometimes I feel like I'm feeling my way around in the dark. There was a time to run, and now this is a time to face it. I know finding comfort in food won't change things. I guess for now just knowing is enough.