22 weeks today


Friday’s “regular” OB appointment was “perfect”. My tummy is measuring at 21 weeks, my weight was up a couple of pounds, my blood pressure was 126/68 and baby girl’s heartbeat was 156 bpm. Perfect huh? Yeah, except what about all of the parts that are making this pregnancy a complete nightmare? Funny how something can be so right and so wrong all at the same time. It just makes me so angry.

I don’t have much else on my mind this week except our ultrasound tomorrow. It will be been exactly 3 weeks since I sat in the same office and was told about the complications with our baby. Time is now marked by the time before and the time after that happening. Time has been marked by how long until this next ultrasound, and now it’s the day before.

There is some sort of bliss in ignoring what happened on that day. But yet, I can never really ignore it fully. Tomorrow we are faced with reality again. And while I really want to know what is going on inside of me, a huge part of me doesn’t care to face that. Doesn’t care to hear the dire statistics again. Doesn’t care to be told that my baby is dying inside of me.

I have no clue what I’m doing.
I’m nervous.
I’m terrified.

I want to be told tomorrow that it was all some sort of huge mistake. That our baby is perfect and thriving, but I know that isn’t going to happen.  My happy ending has changed.

I envision a positive scenario that includes things like “she’s the same”, or even “the fluid has reduced a little”, or “we still can’t find a heart defect.” Those are my positive scenarios. But I know there’s a chance we’ll hear that she’s doing worse than 3 weeks ago.

I believe in healing.
I believe in miracles.
I believe that God is bigger than the 2-7% chance this baby has to live.
And yet… I know that my plans are not His plans.

I pray that whatever the news is tomorrow that I am strong enough to take it.