I sit here today and I am 23 weeks pregnant. It has been a full 4 weeks since that day. I sit here today not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that I am 4 weeks farther and I’m still pregnant. I am 1 week away from the gestational age of viability (which is 24 weeks in Minnesota) and I’m still pregnant.


I am in a state of acceptance.

Acceptance that this is not the pregnancy I longed for or imagined, but the pregnancy that I have been blessed with anyways.
Acceptance that I will NEVER get an easy pregnancy. I will never know what it is to have the pure bliss of being an anticipating mother to be, without all the stress that comes along with that.
Acceptance that I may either need to prepare for the death of my baby.
OR Acceptance of the earth-shattering life changes that would come along with her permanently joining our family.
Acceptance that I don’t know how I will provide for this baby if she has challenges. Would she be able to attend a regular daycare? How will I work?
Acceptance that I will not be delivering in the convenient suburban hospital, with a free parking lot, but instead in a downtown hospital, where the way is wrought with nasty traffic, road construction, and pay through your teeth parking (if you know me I hate driving into the city, and I hate traffic!)
Acceptance that I am not in control of any of the above.
Acceptance of how once bad news, is now the ‘not so bad news’

Acceptance has allowed me to have somewhat of a break from the 24 hour/day vigilant monitoring of the movements in my belly, and the complete exhaustion that brings me day after day. I have had many moments of freeing relief from just being able to think about and do something else for awhile. A mental break that was definitely needed. This is certainly an answer to prayer.

Acceptance has allowed me to walk across the street to the neighbor’s garage sale and purchase one tiny, newborn, pink and white polka-dotted dress with frilly bloomers to sit quietly in the closet and pray every single night that my daughter my someday wear it. Acceptance has allowed me to accept 2 bags of maternity clothes from a friend, and 1 bag of baby girl clothes. It has not allowed me to wash them and place them in drawers yet though.

Last week as you know we had another ultrasound appointment. We follow up with another ultrasound a week from Thursday – and then rinse and repeat every 2 weeks. My maternal fetal medicine specialist (Dr. P) will take all of my care from now on, so she’ll be doing my OB appointments too. Next Thursday I’ll have my gestational diabetes screen. I swear, if I have it, I honestly think poking myself with a needle several times a day may just be the thing to send me over the edge, but I have other things to worry about until then.

Yesterday we met with a pediatric cardiologist at the hospital. An echocardiogram – which is basically a heart ultrasound – was done on the baby. Right now the only heart defect they are seeing is a VSD – which is basically a defect that is a type of hole in the heart. We’ve been told it is small and may resolve on its own, or it may not. I will have another echo done in a month, because they are still checking for a defect known as CoA or Coarctation of the Aorta – which about 1 out of 3 babies with a cystic hygroma have. They were not able to rule CoA out yesterday because of the baby’s position and the inability to see exactly what they were looking for. We are hoping and praying that the VSD is the only defect, and our baby’s heart stays healthy and strong.

24 weeks – 28 weeks – 30 weeks… those are my next goals - like a child that needs a paper chain to count down to the end of school, or a Disney vacation – I only plan for and take one day at a time.